Going Home?

I am sitting in the airport about to board the plane to head back to Tanzania. I cannot really discern the plethora of emotions running through me. It feels strange that Tanzania isn't home but it feels good for Georgia to be home again. I feel sad and happy at the same time. I am so excited but don't know what to really expect. How can I just visit? How can I not go and stay? How can I leave that place again with all of those people? I am afraid that I will feel like an outsider. I just feel a little not quite so normal. Although, what is normal really, especially for me? I know I am where God wants me and I feel peace and joy in that. I have loved my time back in America. Honestly, I think I just feel a little torn.

I am heading back for three weeks which seems like a really long time that is too short. I will hit the ground running. I arrive Saturday night and on Sunday will fly down to Dar es Salaam for our first ever national conference for Christian education. Seeing this dream become a reality is such a sweet reminder of God's faithfulness. He is a big God, that loves for us to dream big. I think sometimes He is just quietly whispering to us and saying no that isn't big enough, go bigger. Let me show you what I can really do! Isn't God amazing!

I will be able to update my blog regularly. Well, I hope. That is assuming there is internet and assuming it works and assuming there is power. I might have gotten a little too used to the world of power everyday with fast internet! =)

The Definition of Poverty

How would you define poverty? Is it even important to define it? Working at soup kitchens as a teenager broke my heart. I remember one Thanksgiving a family came in for a thanksgiving meal but they were one of the last people to arrive. For most of the day, we were able to provide the families with clothes, jackets, and other items to help with the cold. By the time this family arrived, we had given everything away. While this sweet family sat there enjoying their meal, the father asked if we had any more socks because his children did not have any and they were freezing and having some other complications. I felt helpless and just went to a back room and cried. I thought this was poverty. Then I went to China. I saw people go to trash bins where human waste was mingled in with leftover food and use their chopsticks to eat off the street, literally. I have never been that hungry. The same level of poverty hit me while I was in Africa, children dying because they cannot get food or clean water. The problem was that these were no longer children that I saw on TV but children that sat in front of me.

However, last Sunday night, I sat next to a man from Malawi at a dinner party to learn more about his work with Opportunity International. (Which is a fantastic organization!) He asked that question: What is the definition of poverty? The common responses of his staff in Malawi and probably most people anywhere would be the lack of money or lack of ability to get the resources needed to survive. Webster dictionary defines it as "the state or condition of having little or no money, goods, or means of support." What this man said is that that is not the definition of poverty but rather the result of poverty. In reality, poverty is the lack of knowledge. If people had the knowledge of how to provide for themselves, then poverty can be eradicated.

I had never really thought of it that way. It was really quite interesting to me. And, actually, very encouraging. The ministry that I have the privilege of serving is about educating people and loving them. You want to restore people's dignity and worth as a person, as an image bearer of God. One of the things that I love about the work that I am involved with is that I have seen horrible results of poverty, people living in conditions that shock you to your core, but I feel hope because I know that lives are being transformed and people are coming out of poverty, lives are changing. The education of the children at our schools is impacting not only the children, but their parents, on others in the community. People are dreaming and hoping for a future that many never even knew existed. It's amazing.

I miss my dog

Unfortunately I think my body lost its immunity to the wonderful array of pollen that infest the otherwise beautiful state of Georgia. When the season of blooming flowers began, I used to be able to innocently and naively enjoy them and feel slight empathy for my friends that were suffering from the onslaught of the tortuous pollen allergy. I move to Tanzania and somehow I have become susceptible to the enemy of pollen. ARGH! I should have timed my return better. 

Needless to say, I am coughing, sneezing, sniffling and all that jazz. To make matters worse, it has developed into a sinus infection and breathing seems to be more of an effort. I even get to enjoy the delights of constant temperature changes in my own body. To all of you that have suffered with these allergies for years, I am so sorry for not caring enough about what you were going through. I was so insensitive! 

What does pollen have to do with my dog? I am getting there. I wish that I was a tough, strong woman that laughed in the face of illness. I was a missionary, in Africa, with snakes, and spiders, and all sorts of other crazy things. I have seen and eaten things that scare away most. However, when it comes to being sick, I am a big baby. Tragic but true. So, now that I am back, I can enjoy the wonderful world of renting movies. So, I rented "Marley and Me".  As I sat there watching the sweet story of the family and their dog, it made me miss my sweet Matty (short for Mathematics).  Just to be clear, they thought that they had the world's worst dog, he is small potatoes, does not even hold a candle to my beloved Matty. And, then he was also epileptic. He had grand mal, cluster seizures.  But, he was a world class snuggler. I don't think that he realized that he weighed forty pounds and was not actually a lap dog, but I didn't mind. Whenever I was sick or down, Matty would snuggle. He was a sweet dog. 

Taking a dog to Tanzania is not practical, so I had to find a home for my dog. That process was hard since most people did not and really could not take on the responsibility of caring for a dog with epilepsy. In the eleventh hour, (typical God style) an amazing family agreed to take him. There is so much to that story that showed me God was good and faithful. They were the perfect family for Matty and loved him so much. 

Even though they gave him lots of quality time (his love language) and took great care of him, the seizures increased in intensity and frequency. Matty had a hard time when I went away for the weekend, so the change proved to be too much for him. That sweet family gave so much of themselves to care for him and I felt so helpless thousands of miles away. Eventually, the vet felt that it would be best to put him down.  This was about five months after I arrived in Tanzania. When I felt God calling me to be a missionary, I didn't really understand all that was involved. God is good. He loves me. He is sovereign. He knew when he called me to Tanzania, that Matty would end up being put down. Sometimes it seems silly to be so sad over a dog, but I can't help it.  I loved my dog and I miss him. 

Did I really just ask that?

Do you ever have surreal moments? You know those moments where you are watching yourself and realize that life has changed more than you ever thought possible or you have changed or even you realize that your understanding of life is a whole lot different. My first couple of trips to Tanzania were filled with the smiles and laughter of children. That melody of the children's laughter has played over and over in my heart. What a sweet sound. So, you can imagine that the tears of those same children make my heart feel like it is being ripped into pieces. Furthermore, I feel very protective of those children and when someone causes them pain or to cry, I want to defend them and to make it stop. 

One day, I was hanging out with some of the children as they were waiting to get a health screening. After finishing a meeting, I was just out in one of the villages catching up with the children. One of the boys that I do not often see came up to talk to me. This boy in particular can be elusive and I know has had a rough time. I had visited him several times with his sponsor and was hoping that his sponsor was there that day. The distance from Atlanta to Tanzania is hard to imagine for a child that has never been outside of his village. =)  Since I knew how much his sponsor loved and prayed for him, I began asking questions to get more of an update. 

I know that many of you are rather observant. Unfortunately, I do not have keen observational skills and do not always notice things. This was one of those rare moments where I actually saw pain in the eyes of a child, a child that is maybe 12 years old. As we began to talk, I realized that this precious child was hurting more than I could imagine. I knew that his mother had a drinking problem and that they lived in extreme poverty. In the past, there had been a problem of his mother selling the gifts that were given by the sponsor in order to purchase alcohol. I can't imagine how that sweet boy must have felt to see his mother take something that was given to him in order to purchase alcohol for herself. At what point, do you emotionally shut down, when you have experienced all that he has? 

We talked for a while and then a little light when on in my head. His mother has no money and no real way to get money other than a small garden that he takes care of. She drinks all the time. How does she get the money? So, I asked him if  a lot of men came to visit his mom? You could see the devastation on his face as he replied yes. That little boy had to be in the house as his mother prostituted herself to get money for her alcohol and possibly even food. I am not sure even how to process all of that.  On a practical note, that sweet boy is no longer living with his mother and is in a healthier living environment. Can you imagine what he has seen,what he has experienced? I am so thankful that God is a redeemer and a healer but those wounds seem so deep, almost too deep. 

That was the surreal moment for me. I was sitting on the ground in the middle of nowhere Africa, covered in dirt from playing with children earlier, having a conversation with a child in another language asking if his mother was prostituting herself.  When I felt God calling me to Tanzania, I had no idea what I was getting involved in. Life is so much messier than I realized. 

Upside Down

So, we know that God is in control and that as God, He probably knows what He is doing. He has seen the future. He might be aware of a few more things than me and has at least a little more wisdom than me. Just a little though. =) But, still I question him. I wonder what He is up to. I wonder if He has really thought through everything and has considered everything. I try to give him advice. When will I ever learn? I am so thankful that He is so patient and gracious with me. Can you believe the arrogance of trying to tell God what He should do for me? After everything that I have been through, you would think that by now I would just simply trust Him. I am guessing that until I get to heaven, I am going to be a mess. 

As some of you know, I am back in the states again. I returned to Tanzania in mid January and had a whirlwind of activity. Great stuff that God did, amazing stuff really. And, as I was climbing Mt. Meru at about 11,500 feet, I received a phone call. Can't believe that there are hardly any paved roads in Tanzania but I can get cell phone coverage on the side of a mountain at that high of an elevation.  My mother had called to tell me that my beloved grandmother had passed away. I felt like I had been physically hit, like someone had sucker punched me. It still does not seem real. I returned home to go to her funeral. 

After a lot of prayer, I decided to stay here for now. I am still praying about the future and the next step.  I will be updating more. 

There were lots of interesting, crazy, amazing, and heartbreaking stories that I never had the chance to write about, so I will be writing more of those stories even though they are from a while ago.  So keep on looking....

What a day!

Do you ever have one of those days that is just plain fun? You know one of those days where you laugh a lot and just really enjoy all that is happening. Monday was one of those days. We are in the midst of a week long training for the head teachers from each of our projects. We brought an expert in from the states who is absolutely fabulous! The training time has been unbelievable, definitely very powerful and impactful. However, my favorite part was when we took them flying. 

Because we are traveling to a different village each day, we do not have the time to spend 6 hours in the car one way with five villages to travel to.  Granted, we had time to travel six hours round trip on rough roads but not six hours one way. So, we needed to fly to that village.  When the teachers arrived on Sunday night, the upcoming flight was the center of the conversations. Everyone wanted to know who had flown before. They were so giddy, like the night before Christmas. One of them even said that she didn't think she could sleep. 

I took a TON of pictures. Flying on a big plane, but flying on a small Cessna that lands on a dirt road/field sort of air strip thing is a pretty exciting way to have your first flight.  So many fun times. One of them said, she thought this was the beginning of a new life for her.

I had attempted to explain our phrase of butterflies in the stomach. During the flight, one of the headteachers commented that he thought he understood about those butterflies but that his were quite big and flying around a lot. 

It was SO much fun! 

Once a troublemaker, always a troublemaker

For those of you that know me, I am sure it comes as a complete shock that I was ever a trouble maker.  I am so clearly a person that goes with the flow and always does what she is told. This would be one of those moments where my mother would be screaming for everyone to get out of dodge because lightning is about to strike and where my dad would be doubled over with laughter. They know the real story. I have been trouble since the day I was born, always causing mischief. As I have gotten older, I have learned to disguise it better, or at least I think I have. 

I am an adult now, and am supposed to be mature and responsible, but not really sure that I have achieved that just yet. Unfortunately, I tend to have a lot of fun getting into trouble. Somehow, even when I am not trying, I seem to get into trouble. I am pretty sure it is a hereditary disease, so technically not my fault. =) I blame my dad completely. 

So, there we were in one of the villages, WAY out in the bush. There are some frequent visitors from one of our partnering church in the states that have come to observe and serve at the school. One of the classes we visited was the kindergarten. We actually have two levels, K1 and K2. Since some of the teachers were in training for a couple of days, both classes were together, making a class of sixty 5 and 6 year old, incorrigible students. Also, the classrooms that were due to be finished before the beginning of the year are still not done. Hence, all of the students are jumbled together in the dining hall. Bottom line, the situation was already a little chaotic before I even got there. 

It started fine, with no trouble in sight. I was responsible and adult like. After introducing our visitors and singing a few songs with the class, I went over the the side of the room to sit down to allow one of the women to lead the children in some songs and talk with them a little. During the down time in between songs, I began a simple, innocent, little game of "peek-a-boo".  As many of you know, the giggles and squeals of delight of children are slightly addictive. If you don't know about this, tickle a child and see their laughter and then you are hooked forever. I think the disease might intensify slightly here in Tanzania. So, needless to say, I continued with the game for a while, expanding on the ways in which to hide and the silly faces that I would show. The more laughter I got, the crazier the actions and the faces.  (Like I said, total addict). 

Also, I tend to get caught up in my own little world at times and not realize what is going on around me. So, suddenly, I realized that the few students that I began playing with had quickly grown in the whole class of sixty. Every eye was on me, including the eyes of the teachers and our visitors. Oops! It seems that once again, I had gotten a tiny bit carried away. I had distracted two whole classes of students from the task at hand.  Once a trouble maker, always a trouble maker. But I couldn't help myself, those kids are just way too cute!!!! If you don't believe me, you should come here and see for yourself. Actually, even if you do believe, you should still come and see for yourself. =) 

I LOVE Africa

The other day I was at a friend's home sitting outside looking out at the vast African savannah with beautiful acacia trees (the trees with a flat top) and gorgeous Mt. Meru as the background and I couldn't help but think that I could live here for the rest of my life. Tanzania is unbelievably gorgeous and I love the people.  Some of the things that drive me crazy are what I love most (not all of them). My feet are never clean; I never know what to expect when I get in my car, where will I be rerouted, will I be run over by the military, will I be cut off by a daladala, etc. Life here is never boring. However, I have to say that there have been times that I have not necessarily wanted to sing for joy, definitely rough times. 

Recently, I have started to think that adapting to a new culture is a bit like a marriage. Granted, I have never been married so I could be making all of this up; this is based on the rumors I have heard over the years.  In the eloquent words of one of my Tanzanian friends, "Marriage is not always Alleluia." But, let me explain. When people come over for two weeks(me included), they get completely enamored and starry eyed with Africa. The dust, dirt, slow pace, everything is wonderful and different. None of the things that happen are really a problem, it is just part of Africa's charm. You fall in love with Africa.  Then, you move here. (For me, I knew God called me in addition to the charm of Africa).  When you get here (which I think is a bit like marrying or a bit time commitment), you still love it. You think of life in Africa with big, dreamy eyes, you are in the honeymoon stage. But, as I have heard with marriages, the honeymoon ends. Those quirks that were adorable are now annoying and make you want to scream. Same thing goes for the culture. When you just visit, the slow pace is no problem, but when you need to actually accomplish work with deadlines and finances and overseas partners, the romance of the slow pace vanishes pretty quickly. Many of my friends have told me that after the honeymoon period they have looked at their spouse and thought, "who is this person?"; "who did I marry?" "was I out of my mind?". I can relate to all of those feelings.  I have definitely had thoughts of what nutso moves to Africa, this is not what I expected, this is not what I thought, what happened! 

Now, I might be wrong but once again, the word on the street is that marriage is not easy and you have to work at it. You have to be willing to put in the time and really make an effort. Same is true here. I have to work at understanding the culture and trying to compromise and adapt. Learning the language has been rough. It takes work.  But, then as you go deeper in your marriage, you realize that you love that person more than you ever though possible and it is a lot deeper than the initial infatuation, more substantial, longer lasting. Still work, but so worth it. That is where I am at now. It still takes work. I still get frustrated at times, but I love Tanzania. It is such a sweet and wonderful blessing to have the opportunity to be here. I am so thankful. 

Murphy's Law, Raffles, and Me

I know that many of you out there live a somewhat charmed life, if you do not then we should hang out. Murphy's law could probably be changed to Meagan's law. Part of the problem is that I am a total klutz. I used to blame this on the fact that I grew too fast and it took a while for my coordination to catch up. However, at thirty two, I might not be able to use that excuse anymore. To top all that off, I am not the most observant. I miss things that are right in front of me. I can be forgetful as well. Bottom line, I probably bring some of the Murphy's law on myself. 

Don't you just love hanging out with those people that things always work out for? You know those people that just happened to get bumped up to first class or get a free car because of some weird glitch in the system? My uncle is one of those people. Plus, he can talk his way into or out of (depending on the situation) anything. I have no idea how he does it, but he does. Last time I traveled with him, I got to go through the first class line, not sure how but he did it. 

All of this is why, I know for a fact when crazy things happen, God was in the middle of it all.  So, I think you all know a whole bunch of my stuff got stolen. But, what you might not know is that crazy, unbelievable, amazing friends of mine decided to do a raffle to help raise the money to cover the cost of what was stolen. Who does that? Who puts in that kind of work for others? Not only did it help raise money for my stuff but also towards at least half of the unplanned trip back to the states which was a bit expensive.  Insane, overwhelming! I am not done. On a whim, I decided to enter a raffle a couple of months ago while at a Christmas fair. I did not even know what the prizes were. (That is the whole not aware thing) =) Being able to exercise is very important to me, especially with the traveling I do and the stress, etc. (Plus, I am hoping to climb Kilimanjaro). However, going for a run is not so easy. Sometimes I just simply gawked at, other times I am run off the road, and the others guys decide that they want to run with me and convince me to marry them. All in all, not the best experience.  I know that this seems like a little thing, but it has been a big deal for me.  There are two gyms in town, but they are WAY out of my price range.  So, I thought all hope was lost. But, let's not forget who our God is and of course his crazy method of showing His love for me, raffles. =) That's right, while I was back in the states, they had the drawing for the raffle and I won a year's membership at one of the gyms. Can you believe it?! Insane! Isn't God good?

I can't wait to see what is next. Please remind of all of this when I doubt God's goodness and faithfulness. 

It's going to be okay

I am back home in Tanzania! Yeah! It feels so good to be back here again. Lots of weird mixed emotions all that same time. Now that I am here, I never want to leave again. I just want to stay. However, I loved being back home in the states with my friends and family and didn't want to leave there. Bottom line, I think I am much better at staying than I am at leaving. Aren't we all though? 

Since the robbery, God has been doing a lot of healing in my heart and growing me in a lot of ways. Two nights before I left, I had my first nightmare from the robbery.  God has been so gracious that I have not had any before and have not felt any anxiousness about returning.  The reality is that I could get robbed again and it could be worse. I will do what I can to prevent things and be safe but there is never any guarantee. There are too many things that I can't control.  But, that is okay. I think through all of this and other things as well, I have learned that I am going to be okay. That doesn't mean that I won't get hurt physically or emotionally. It doesn't mean that everything will always work out perfectly. I know that. But, God will always be there. He will get me through whatever comes my way.  Life will be hard at times but God is who He says He is and I will be okay.  

In my nightmare, I was back here with my roommate Julia.  It was late at night and I was sleeping but awake. We heard a tapping on the window and were not sure who it was and if we should answer the door. Some of the details are a little hazy, but I am pretty sure she was on the phone. Suddenly, we realized that the men who robbed us were back. It was them tapping on the window. They were trying to get in the house. In my dream, my body was asleep but my mind was awake and I kept on telling my body to wake up. I couldn't move my body, but I knew we needed to call for help. I had an overwhelming sense of helplessness. Eventually, I woke up from my nightmare. 

As I laid in bed, I just prayed. That was all I could do. And, then I started praying for others. I don't know what life holds for me, but I know that God uses all things for good and for His glory. There is such a peace that comes from that and I am so thankful. I know that no matter what, I will be okay. 

You know you're NOT in Africa if.....

As many of you know, there have been many moments during my time in Tanzania where I have had to laugh because it is just one of those "only in Africa" moments. Things like seeing a man ride his bike with a cow head on the back or two dozen chickens in a cart on the side of the road. However, as I am enjoying my time here in the states, I can't help but have moments that remind me, I am not in Africa. Since I have attempted a little humor before, I thought I would try again. So here goes.....

You know you're not in Africa if every child you see does not scream with delight and wave enthusiastically whenever you walk by.

You know you're not in Africa if the only sign of wild life is the crazy drivers on I285 during rush hour.

You know you're not in Africa if every road is a smooth road. (I will never take those for granted again).

You know you're not in Africa if you have to precise with your scheduling of visits with friends and can't just stop by tea that lasts all day.

You know you're not in Africa if there is no dancing at church and people stare at you funny if you raise your hands to worship.

You know you're not in Africa if people just flippantly use ziploc bags like they are cheap and easy to get. (Yet one more thing that I will not take for granted again.)

You know you're not in Africa if you have eaten rice today. =) (If you have don't worry, it does not mean that you are going to magically transported there.)

You know you're not in Africa if you blink and you miss the sunset instead of getting to watch unbelievably beauty last for seemingly forever.

You know you're not in Africa if you can go to one place to do all of your grocery shopping.

There are so many other things that show the distinct difference in the way of life. My time in Tanzania has made me appreciate so many things more here in the states. However, it has also showed how much we miss out on.

Home for the Holidays

To say that it is good to be home for the holidays, is a gross understatement.  There is nothing like mom's home cooked food and playing games with my dad. Getting to sit by the fire and drink hot cocoa is one of my absolute favorite things in the world. I am very happy to be home.  However, the weird thing is that this does not completely feel like home anymore.  I just don't think that you get to go to Tanzania and come back the same.  Seeing children want nothing more than to hold your hand and giggle with delight is such a treasure. It is unbelievable to be a part of something bigger than yourself; it puts things in perspective. I have been so blessed to have the opportunity to go to Africa. God is changing lives (mostly mine, probably). God is a God of hope and purpose and peace and love. When you have nothing else, you see it much more clearly. I have learned so much from my African brothers and sisters. I love them. I miss them. 

As I process through the robbery and everything, God is so gracious and good. I know that everything is going to be okay. I know that I am going to get through all of this. My faith in God is stronger now because of all of this. How could it not be after all that I have seen. God really is who He claims to be.  God's tender mercy and love are real, it is not just some fairy tale that we tell to make ourselves feel better. I am so happy to be at home with my friends and family but I am happy that I will be going back to Tanzania to be with my other friends and family again as well. 

Back in the Saddle again

I have learned that life goes on, and that it is important to take things one day at a time. I have continued to be amazed at the overwhelming amount of people that are praying for me. The first week after the robbery, I was scheduled to teach at the teachers college and help teach at a seminar for one of the schools with around 45 teachers.  One day,  I was sharing about how to treat and teach children differently in the light of the fact that they are created by God. We talked about how being a Christian affects how we teach the material and how we relate and care for the children. It was an exciting time with them. Of course, the poor teachers had to listen to most of the examples be about math. I still don't really understand why everyone does not love math. There is nothing like a really challenging math problem and getting right. What a feeling of accomplishment, yeah, I did it! Furthermore, our understanding of math helps to see more of God's character. Before you call a mental health professional for me, let me explain! I am a total math nerd, but it really is unbelievable.  The more we understand about infinity and that we can never stop counting, the more we can start to have a glimpse of who God is. He is infinite, never ending. We cannot imagine how big God is.  He can hold the entire universe in the palm of His hand. Then, think of the infinitesimal, things that are microscopic that cannot be seen with the naked eye. God is a God of precision and accuracy. He created order and the laws of the universe.  God knows the hairs on our head. Nothing is too small for Him because He is a tender and loving God. Isn't that amazing! I would keep on going but I fear that I might put many of you to sleep. =)

The point is that I love the opportunity to open up children's minds to who God is and help create a love for learning.  We need to teach in such a way that we feed their curiousity, and their awe and wonder.  There is nothing like seeing a child's face light up with excitement as he learns something new that blows him away.  So, part of our responsibility is to help train the teachers in how to do it and even teach them importance of doing it. I really enjoyed my time at the seminar. Also, it has been good to be back at the teachers college again. I love the teachers there so much and thrilled with how much they have grown since I first met them. It will be wonderful when they start at our schools this January. 

Even though there have been so many great moments, there have been hard moments as well. I find that I am not able to handle as much. I feel less motivated.  I have a desire to withdraw at times. I have extreme reactions to things that do not usually affect me. I feel all over the place emotionally.  I know this is normal and I need time so I am just trying to hang on.  I have decided to go home for the holidays, and I can hardly wait I am so excited.  However, just making that decision was incredibly difficult.  I am usually a quick decision maker that is not afraid to take risks. For the time being, that is gone.  I think it is going to take a while to get back to normal. 

Looking Back

As the days pass, I look back more and more on what happened and I am just in awe of God's goodness and love. The Bible has come alive in ways that I never imagined. Verses like Isaiah 54:17 that says,"No weapon formed against you shall prosper." And, so many of the psalms, like Psalm 91: 2, " This I declare of the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place for safety; he is my God, and I am trusting Him."  My time with Lord has been so rich and I am thankful for the peace in the midst of everything that He has given me. 

One of my love languages is physical touch.  So, whenever I feel overwhelmed with emotions, all I need is someone to put their hand on my shoulder or my back and I feel calm and peace and like I could get through whatever I am going through. Throughout the whole time that we were being robbed, I felt God's hand on my back, keeping me calm helping me get through the ordeal. 

However, what is even more amazing to me, is that I think that God was preparing me for what was going to happen.  As I think many of you know, I was robbed back in August at knife point while going for a run down in Dar es Salaam. Even though I never felt my life was in danger, I have had some issues since that time. Whenever I walking by myself, I tense up. I start thinking about what I will do if I get attacked again.  I knew that I needed to change my thinking and not assume that every man that I passed was going to attack me. Recently, I had decided to hike Mt. Kilimanjaro over Christmas. In order to train, I have been going for long walk/runs near the house where we were staying. The area I would go to was perfect for training with lots of hills and around a nice lake.  I decided that I was not going to live in fear and made a point to greet people first and assume the best but be prepared for the worst. I realized that it was possible that I would be robbed again, but I would be okay.  I thought through I would react and what I could do. 

Last Wednesday, I heard from some long term missionaries here that several years ago, the area around the lake was known for its robberies, and I should check things out to see if things had improved. I did ask around and heard that security had improved significantly and that there had not been an attack in a long time. Nonetheless, I was a little scared before I went for my run on Thursday morning. However, I did not want to live my whole life locked up in my house. I want to be wise and not put myself in danger. I was assured that I was not in any danger, so I felt like there was nothing unwise about going for the run.  Still, this made me continue to process what I would do and how to stay calm and how to treat someone if he attacked me. 

Friday morning, as I shared earlier, I led the devotions and told the story of the Nepal missionary who was attacked. Because I had shared this story, I talked with one of my co-workers for a while afterwards about God's love and how He is always at work. I, often, watch the DVD of the concert of Les Miserables, my favorite broadway show. I was telling my co-worker about the time when Jean Valjean steals from the priest. After he was arrested, the priest said he gave those items to him and even gave him more. Once the police had left and Jean Valjean was free, the priest tells him to use those things to start an honest life. Even thinking about that, I feel prepared me. It helped me to process that things are replaceable, but that might be our only chance to love that person.  Friday night, I was not in a place to do that but I do think it helped. As silly as that sounds, I think God used Les Mis to help prepare me. God will use just about anything. =) 

Furthermore, as I was sitting reading the book Friday night, I realized that we weren't safe. We had not been staying in that house for long so I had not really thought about the safety myself but taken it for granted because we knew the people that had lived there.  In our previous house, I knew that we were as safe as we could be. Obviously, we could never be completely safe but a lot of things had been put in place. As I sat there, I realized that there was nothing to prevent anyone from coming in before we went to bed and the land around the house was very easy to break into. 

About two hours later, the men came into our house.  I think because God was preparing me, I wasn't overcome with shock. I felt the Lord's hand on my back and felt peace.  The first man said he was going to kill me, and I thought okay, how do I prevent this? My mission became to keep the situation calm, give them what they want, and help us to make it out of that situation alive.  

There is no explanation other than God for why we are still alive. We saw their faces. They were professionals. 

After they left, my body started trembling all over and continued for a long time.  These past few days, I have cried a lot and fallen apart. But, I know, that God was at work while they were there and in preparing me for what was going to take place. So, I am even more in awe of God's goodness and sovereignty.  He is not the author of evil but He knew what was going to happen. He prepared me and was ever present with us during the whole incident and protected us. 

The Details

Sometimes I close my eyes and I see the men walking in again. I can picture everything so clearly. Sometimes I feel like I am dreaming.  God has been so good and gracious during this time. I have felt his presence and his peace. The amount of prayers, love, and words of encouragement have been my legs to keep on going when I could not do it myself. I am so thankful. 

In order to shed more light on what occurred, I thought I would share the details. I will try to summarize but sometimes I forget things and some of the small things seemed so big to me. First off, we had moved from our former home and were staying in the home of other missionaries while they were home in Australia for a few months. The view and area is absolutely beautiful but a little isolated. 

This is my version of what happened. They divided us in the beginning. 

As I was sitting and reading a book around 8:30 Friday night, I saw a group of men enter  the house from the corner of my eye. At first, I was confused. I could not figure out why people would be entering our home.  We had just settled down after an incident with one of the dog's who had got his paw caught.  It was a beautiful, calm night and I had just finished a good book and was looking forward to starting another.  Before I fully comprehended what was going on, Julia screamed. Nothing made sense to me. Then, one of the men came over to me and said, "I am going to kill you." Stunned, I just stared back at him. He became fiercer and more adamant that he was going to kill me. After seeing the look in his eyes, I believed him. 

From that moment on, my purpose became calming the situation and doing whatever I could to keep them satisfied.  My computer was next to me, so I offered it to him and said he did not need to kill us. We would give them whatever he wanted, not to worry. He demanded money.  "No problem," I replied, "it is in my room, we can go together." He led me in there and I got out my money for him. He was angry that I did not have more American dollars, most of what I had was Shillings.  He pulled me out into the hall where another man held Julia. He was being quite rough with her, holding a gun up to her and pulling her hair.  The man that was holding Julia became angry as well because there was not a lot of American dollars. I think they were expecting to get a lot of cash, but we just did not have any.  The first man that was with me, looked at me and threatened me again if I did not produce dollars. I said, "really, we do not have any more. That was all that we had. We have already given you everything."  I explained that this was not our house, but that we were simply staying here while the couple was away in Australia.  They asked where the husband was, so it seemed like they knew that a man lived there. When the man that held Julia saw my watch, he grabbed it and was yanking it off my wrist. I offered to help and give it to him.  As they were holding us against the wall, the other men were in the other rooms searching through things, throwing them on the floor.  

After a minute, they brought us into the master bedroom and became more insistent about the dollars.  One of the men, came close to me and pointed the gun at me threatening to kill me. I said again, "that we had already given them everything." He seemed satisfied that I was telling the truth.  They took more items from that bedroom and then eventually locked is in.  We could hear them going through the rest of the house looking for more of our valuables.  Later, we saw the evidence of the search from the items thrown everywhere. 

We sat there for a while straining to hear if they had gone or not.  Because the dogs were barking loudly, it was difficult to know for sure. We sat and waited, minds and emotions reeling.  After a while, I ventured out the back door of the room that went out to the porch in order to get back in another door to unlock the bedroom door for Julia. 

Once we looked around, we could not believe what had just happened.  My whole body was trembling and I think I was just in shock. Now, we had to figure out what to do. We had no way to communicate with anyone.  Julia's phone was stolen and providentially, I had left mine at the office.  Our computers were stolen.  We pondered the thought of just leaving with our car but were still a little fearful of people waiting for us. Plus, to leave would mean unlocking all the gates in the dark, which makes us nervous on a normal nigh. The workers for the house live next door, right outside the gate. So, we decided that we needed to get to them to get help.  We knew we did not want to stay in the house that night.  We wanted out. We realized how unsafe we really were, how little security was in place.  However, to get to the workers meant going outside in the dark, not a very exciting prospect considering what had just happened. But, we knew we had to do it. So, I got a flashlight and made the first step outside. I was so scared, constantly looking around for any sign of them again.  I kept on telling myself that they would have fled by now, not have waited around. Even though my arguments were reasonable, I still didn't quite believe them and was trembling. I made it the fence and called out several times hoping that one of the workers would here. After it became a apparent that they were not going to hear me, I moved towards the gate.  I just stared at the gate and the key in my hands trying to decide if I really wanted to step outside. We were no safer inside the house, so I opened the gate and ran.  When I arrived at  their home, I explained what happened. Basic words in swahili seemed to escape me. Somehow, the message came across and they came over to help us. 

All we really wanted was to leave, get in our car and go away. Every Tuesday, we had been staying the night at the house of a couple from our church that led our home group. They have been missionaries for twenty years and we knew would take care of us. First, the workers recommended that we go to the police to file a report. We did. They came and were very kind and helpful.  But, were still anxious to go. After about an hour, we were finally able to go to the office to get my phone so that we could call.  Gary came and got us and brought us home. 

There is so much to be thankful for and we are amazed at God's protection. No one can believe that they did not wear masks, they allowed us to see their faces, and we were not killed. That is not how it works. God was there.  We have cried a lot these past few days but God is comforting us and getting us through this. I have been amazed at all of the love I have received.  I am going to be okay, it is just going to take some time. 

God's protection

One thing that I have learned is that I have no idea how much God is always doing on my behalf. God is always at work. 

Yesterday morning I led the devotions with the staff at Imara. I shared a story that I read recently that had really impacted me. Even as I shared it with the others, I struggled to hold back the tears because of the amazement of God's goodness and care. The story is a wonderful illustration of God's sovereignty and providence and faithfulness and so much more. It is out of a book called "On Being a Missionary" by Thomas Hale. 

I thought I would share a brief summary of that story. It is about a man that was a medical missionary in a rural area of Nepal. He would have to travel two days each way by bicycle to get to the town where he could get the needed medicine for his village. Since there were not any villages on the way, he would just sleep outside by a tree. On one trip going to get the medicine, he met a young man along the way.  He began to build a relationship with that man and after leaving was looking forward to seeing him again. After several months, he came upon that man again and talked with him.  The young man shared that he and several of his friends had planned to kill him and rob him on the way back from the trip when they first met. They knew his route and where he stayed. 

So, he and his friends went to the spot where he was sleeping and were hiding in the bushes planning their attack. As they looked at the man, they saw 26 men with weapons standing around guarding him.  They were shocked. Each of them counted individually and confirmed that there was 26, so they left. When the young man told the missionary the story, he could not believe it. He said that there were not any men guarding me. But the young man was emphatic that they all saw them.  

While the missionary was back in the states visiting, he shared the story with his home church. One man stood up and asked about the approximate date and time of that occurrence. After hearing the details, the man said that day he was on his way to work and felt like the Lord was leading him to pray for the missionary. He returned home and called several others to pray as well. He asked all the men that prayed that day to stand up. And, sure enough it was 26 men.  

That missionary had no idea what God was doing. He did not ask for that prayer, he did not pray it himself, but God knew. God was at work. 

When I shared that story yesterday morning, I had no idea how real it would become for me only a short time later. As some as you may know, five men broke into our house with a gun and machete and threatened to kill us and stole a lot of our stuff, some things that are irreplaceable. But, when I looked into the eyes of the man that threatened to kill me, I knew that he was willing to do it. It was not an idle threat meant to scare us. They had a mission and if we got in the way, then they were willing to do what was necessary. Often, people get injured or killed during a break in. God protected us. We are not hurt. I know that God was at work in ways that I will never know. More than ever, I am overwhelmed with the number of people that pray for me and are standing with me in this. Thank you so much. 

I will share more of the details later, but I wanted to let you all know that we are safe and staying in the home of friends and feeling the protection and love of God. 

Look at me, Daddy

My poor dad heard that phrase probably more times than most. I can remember being at the pool with my dad and wanting to show him all my new ways of jumping off the side of the pool. I seriously doubt there was as much creativity as I thought there was. I would walk up to the side of the pool, and scream look at me daddy, look at me and then whoosh off I went trying to jump as I high as I possibly could hopefully with a little bit of a twist mid air before I splashed into the water. As soon as I hit the water, I scrambled to the top with a giant grin on my face to see if my dad was watching. When he smiled back at me, I thought I could fly to the moon I was so excited. My whole body was tingling because my dad had seen me and given me his approval. I wanted that rush again, so I quickly swam to the side of the pool and started the process all over again. After 20 or so times, I think my dad's enthusiasm might have started to wane slightly. =) I can't imagine why. I am not sure what it is about children that want so much to have the affirmation and encouragement of others but it definitely transcends cultures, countries, and language.

Last week, I traveled to one of the villages to meet with the teachers and the pastor. I love the teachers. They are wonderful, amazing people that sacrifice so much and work so hard for the children. However, they do not come close to being as cute as those kids. So, I tend to take breaks during meetings to go play with the kids. Who wouldn't? Right?

While I was greeting the 1st grade class, I walked around and looked at their work. I asked how old they were, 5th grade, 6th grade, and they all just giggled. Who is the strange white woman who keeps coming back to our school! I asked about what they were learning and talked for a little while. Then, I walked over to one of the children and looked at his work and commented on how well he did. Actually, I might have just simply smiled and sayed that it was good. The student got that look, that all over tingle from the happiness of approval look. All of the students brought me their exercise books for their chance to have me look at their book and smile and say good job. They would all just look up at me mesmerized with these huge, ginormous smiles on their face like I had just given them a million dollars. They just wanted a little love and approval. Isn't neat to see how we are made by the same God and have the same desire for love ?

Yes, no, maybe so......

For a little over a month now, I have been almost paralyzed when making decisions. For some reason, the simplest of things have become overwhelming for me to choose. When I was in language school at the beginning of October, I first noticed the problem. Zanzibar is supposed to be one of the most beautiful places in all Africa and a common vacation spot here in Tanzania. After a year and a half, I was finally planning on going the weekend after I finished language school. But, there was no peace. I couldn't figure out why there wouldn't be peace about going to a beautiful place to rest and have fun on the beach and in the ocean. So, I didn't go. A day or two after that decision, I was faced with simply deciding if I would leave language school on Friday night or Saturday morning. I walked back and forth to the transport office completely unable to decide. It seemed completely ridiculous to not be able to make such a simple decision. What was the big deal? I would make the decision and then start walking to the reception area to tell them my plans and then stop almost frozen completely unsure if I was making the right decision.

I was not sure what was happening, because this is definitely not like me. Usually, I am a very quick decision maker and a risk taker with no problems. Over this past month, I have struggled with other issues like this. A friend asked me if I wanted to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro with her over Christmas. It seemed like it would be perfect timing and something that I have wanted to do. Once again, I went back and forth and just never felt peace. Needless to say, when people ask me how long I will be staying here I have no way of answering. That answer is definitely way out there in no man's land.

Even though this seems like a simple issue that I should be able to just snap out of, it is not happening. I am not really sure why. As I pray and try to sort through it, a couple of things have come up. I think somewhere in my desire to adapt to the culture, I got a little lost. Plus, I have a very strong personality that can be difficult at times. I do not have the gentle, meek spirit that it talks about in the Bible. I have pretty much the opposite personality. I started thinking that I need to stop doing this because it is bothering that person, and hold back when I am in this situation, and be careful not to come across in the wrong way. I was constantly afraid that I was going to do something or say something to offend someone.

Yes, it is important to be culturally sensitive. Yes, it is important to allow God to mold us more into who He wants us to be. However, somewhere in the midst of all of that I started to think that my personality was a sin. I thought that there was something wrong with me. Why can't I be like other women who are kind, and gentle, and quiet, and supportive? Why do I always charge full steam ahead and think later? Sometimes being me is just plain exhausting! =) I was afraid to be me. I think that was the reason I was so paralyzed with decisions. I no longer trusted myself to make the right decision.

Now, I am trying to fight lies with truth. God created me just the way I am. God loves me just the way I am. My personality is not a sin it is a gift from God. Jesus was gentle in spirit and he overthrew tables, so it might look a little different than what I think. I am definitely still in process dealing with all of this but starting to feel hope and freedom. I have a long way to go, but I am so thankful that God is gracious and caring and is never going to give up on me. He will be there with me through it all.

My Special Talent

Don't you just love talented people? I am always amazed at people's skills and talents. Isn't unbelievable to sit and listen to someone play the piano in ways that just move you, or sing so beautifully that you cry? Talent looks so different. One of my friends special skills is teaching in a way that captures students' interests and makes them see that they are capable of more than they realized. Everyone seems to have a talent of their own. My special talent seems to be putting my foot in my mouth. I am amazing at it. Everyone can see that is about to happen, even me, but yet I seem powerless to stop it. I try to think before I speak but I think the connector between my brain and jaw short circuited years ago! You would think that my foot is made of chocolate with amount of times that I have had to eat it.

One of the favorite things that I have done in the past is to explain something to someone who turns out to be an expert. You know when you might have read an article in a magazine about something and now think you know a lot and then explain it to someone else. That person is usually very gracious and listens attentively. However, later you friend pulls you aside and tells you that the person you were just talking to was the creator, or the foremost expert, or something else ridiculous like that. My life is so full of the ridiculous. And, unfortunately, I never learn!

But, it gets worse. I do the same thing with God. I try to tell Him how to do things, how I think things should be done, what I think is best. I question Him, get angry at Him. And, as embarassing as it is to say, I even throw little tantrums trying to get my way with God. Imagine a 2 year old who wants to play with a toy that is his brother's. He rolls over on his stomach and bangs his fist crying and screaming NO! You have just witnessed my reaction to God most of the time. I don't know why I don't just trust Him. Why do I want things my own way? Why do I think I know more than God? Where does this arrogance come from?

And, God does not give me the whooping that my backside deserves. He picks me up and holds me and waits for me to finish my tantrum and then gently comforts me. Every time, He is right. Every time, He is good. Every time, He is loving and gracious.

I am not sure that I will ever change. Hopefully, with age and maturity, the amount of times I stick my foot in my mouth will decrease. The amazing part is that God knows it all. He knows how much of a mess I really am and still loves me!

Never a Dull Moment

Are you bored with life? Are you tired of the same old dull routine? Ready for a change? Ready to do things that you never thought you would or actually could and in some cases would even want to? Exhausted with watching the stock exchange go up and down and up and down. Move to Africa, or at least swing by for a bit. I can promise that life will never be the same again.

Life here is never boring. Today was full of little suprises that kept me on my toes. I'll share just two. As we were driving along in one of the villages, the car began to overheat. We were in the pastor's car that unfortunately does not have a hand break and needed to stop on a slight incline. The head teacher was a bit afraid of the steam and pressure under the hood, so the pastor needed to get out and help. Suddenly, the car began to roll backwards. I had to leap over the seat and sprawl out to reach the break with my hands and hold it there until someone came to help. However, both the head teacher and I were laughing so hard it is a wonder that we did not crash into a house.

Upon returning to the office, I found that the mechanic had fixed the problem in our car, basically a smell that was just plain awful. Since we had chased the rats out of the house and killed several of their friends, they decided to attach our car. One of them had crawled up into our car and die just to spite us. Our dashboard had to be removed in order to get the poor little guy out.

But, alas, I am now home safe and sound enjoying the fact that my battery lasts a long time since the power just went out and thrilled to feel clean after spending a LONG time scrubbing my feet.

Trust me, you do not want to miss out on life here! Sell your stocks, cash in your IRAs and come on over. :)