Yes, no, maybe so......

For a little over a month now, I have been almost paralyzed when making decisions. For some reason, the simplest of things have become overwhelming for me to choose. When I was in language school at the beginning of October, I first noticed the problem. Zanzibar is supposed to be one of the most beautiful places in all Africa and a common vacation spot here in Tanzania. After a year and a half, I was finally planning on going the weekend after I finished language school. But, there was no peace. I couldn't figure out why there wouldn't be peace about going to a beautiful place to rest and have fun on the beach and in the ocean. So, I didn't go. A day or two after that decision, I was faced with simply deciding if I would leave language school on Friday night or Saturday morning. I walked back and forth to the transport office completely unable to decide. It seemed completely ridiculous to not be able to make such a simple decision. What was the big deal? I would make the decision and then start walking to the reception area to tell them my plans and then stop almost frozen completely unsure if I was making the right decision.

I was not sure what was happening, because this is definitely not like me. Usually, I am a very quick decision maker and a risk taker with no problems. Over this past month, I have struggled with other issues like this. A friend asked me if I wanted to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro with her over Christmas. It seemed like it would be perfect timing and something that I have wanted to do. Once again, I went back and forth and just never felt peace. Needless to say, when people ask me how long I will be staying here I have no way of answering. That answer is definitely way out there in no man's land.

Even though this seems like a simple issue that I should be able to just snap out of, it is not happening. I am not really sure why. As I pray and try to sort through it, a couple of things have come up. I think somewhere in my desire to adapt to the culture, I got a little lost. Plus, I have a very strong personality that can be difficult at times. I do not have the gentle, meek spirit that it talks about in the Bible. I have pretty much the opposite personality. I started thinking that I need to stop doing this because it is bothering that person, and hold back when I am in this situation, and be careful not to come across in the wrong way. I was constantly afraid that I was going to do something or say something to offend someone.

Yes, it is important to be culturally sensitive. Yes, it is important to allow God to mold us more into who He wants us to be. However, somewhere in the midst of all of that I started to think that my personality was a sin. I thought that there was something wrong with me. Why can't I be like other women who are kind, and gentle, and quiet, and supportive? Why do I always charge full steam ahead and think later? Sometimes being me is just plain exhausting! =) I was afraid to be me. I think that was the reason I was so paralyzed with decisions. I no longer trusted myself to make the right decision.

Now, I am trying to fight lies with truth. God created me just the way I am. God loves me just the way I am. My personality is not a sin it is a gift from God. Jesus was gentle in spirit and he overthrew tables, so it might look a little different than what I think. I am definitely still in process dealing with all of this but starting to feel hope and freedom. I have a long way to go, but I am so thankful that God is gracious and caring and is never going to give up on me. He will be there with me through it all.