Going Home?

I am sitting in the airport about to board the plane to head back to Tanzania. I cannot really discern the plethora of emotions running through me. It feels strange that Tanzania isn't home but it feels good for Georgia to be home again. I feel sad and happy at the same time. I am so excited but don't know what to really expect. How can I just visit? How can I not go and stay? How can I leave that place again with all of those people? I am afraid that I will feel like an outsider. I just feel a little not quite so normal. Although, what is normal really, especially for me? I know I am where God wants me and I feel peace and joy in that. I have loved my time back in America. Honestly, I think I just feel a little torn.

I am heading back for three weeks which seems like a really long time that is too short. I will hit the ground running. I arrive Saturday night and on Sunday will fly down to Dar es Salaam for our first ever national conference for Christian education. Seeing this dream become a reality is such a sweet reminder of God's faithfulness. He is a big God, that loves for us to dream big. I think sometimes He is just quietly whispering to us and saying no that isn't big enough, go bigger. Let me show you what I can really do! Isn't God amazing!

I will be able to update my blog regularly. Well, I hope. That is assuming there is internet and assuming it works and assuming there is power. I might have gotten a little too used to the world of power everyday with fast internet! =)

The Definition of Poverty

How would you define poverty? Is it even important to define it? Working at soup kitchens as a teenager broke my heart. I remember one Thanksgiving a family came in for a thanksgiving meal but they were one of the last people to arrive. For most of the day, we were able to provide the families with clothes, jackets, and other items to help with the cold. By the time this family arrived, we had given everything away. While this sweet family sat there enjoying their meal, the father asked if we had any more socks because his children did not have any and they were freezing and having some other complications. I felt helpless and just went to a back room and cried. I thought this was poverty. Then I went to China. I saw people go to trash bins where human waste was mingled in with leftover food and use their chopsticks to eat off the street, literally. I have never been that hungry. The same level of poverty hit me while I was in Africa, children dying because they cannot get food or clean water. The problem was that these were no longer children that I saw on TV but children that sat in front of me.

However, last Sunday night, I sat next to a man from Malawi at a dinner party to learn more about his work with Opportunity International. (Which is a fantastic organization!) He asked that question: What is the definition of poverty? The common responses of his staff in Malawi and probably most people anywhere would be the lack of money or lack of ability to get the resources needed to survive. Webster dictionary defines it as "the state or condition of having little or no money, goods, or means of support." What this man said is that that is not the definition of poverty but rather the result of poverty. In reality, poverty is the lack of knowledge. If people had the knowledge of how to provide for themselves, then poverty can be eradicated.

I had never really thought of it that way. It was really quite interesting to me. And, actually, very encouraging. The ministry that I have the privilege of serving is about educating people and loving them. You want to restore people's dignity and worth as a person, as an image bearer of God. One of the things that I love about the work that I am involved with is that I have seen horrible results of poverty, people living in conditions that shock you to your core, but I feel hope because I know that lives are being transformed and people are coming out of poverty, lives are changing. The education of the children at our schools is impacting not only the children, but their parents, on others in the community. People are dreaming and hoping for a future that many never even knew existed. It's amazing.

I miss my dog

Unfortunately I think my body lost its immunity to the wonderful array of pollen that infest the otherwise beautiful state of Georgia. When the season of blooming flowers began, I used to be able to innocently and naively enjoy them and feel slight empathy for my friends that were suffering from the onslaught of the tortuous pollen allergy. I move to Tanzania and somehow I have become susceptible to the enemy of pollen. ARGH! I should have timed my return better. 

Needless to say, I am coughing, sneezing, sniffling and all that jazz. To make matters worse, it has developed into a sinus infection and breathing seems to be more of an effort. I even get to enjoy the delights of constant temperature changes in my own body. To all of you that have suffered with these allergies for years, I am so sorry for not caring enough about what you were going through. I was so insensitive! 

What does pollen have to do with my dog? I am getting there. I wish that I was a tough, strong woman that laughed in the face of illness. I was a missionary, in Africa, with snakes, and spiders, and all sorts of other crazy things. I have seen and eaten things that scare away most. However, when it comes to being sick, I am a big baby. Tragic but true. So, now that I am back, I can enjoy the wonderful world of renting movies. So, I rented "Marley and Me".  As I sat there watching the sweet story of the family and their dog, it made me miss my sweet Matty (short for Mathematics).  Just to be clear, they thought that they had the world's worst dog, he is small potatoes, does not even hold a candle to my beloved Matty. And, then he was also epileptic. He had grand mal, cluster seizures.  But, he was a world class snuggler. I don't think that he realized that he weighed forty pounds and was not actually a lap dog, but I didn't mind. Whenever I was sick or down, Matty would snuggle. He was a sweet dog. 

Taking a dog to Tanzania is not practical, so I had to find a home for my dog. That process was hard since most people did not and really could not take on the responsibility of caring for a dog with epilepsy. In the eleventh hour, (typical God style) an amazing family agreed to take him. There is so much to that story that showed me God was good and faithful. They were the perfect family for Matty and loved him so much. 

Even though they gave him lots of quality time (his love language) and took great care of him, the seizures increased in intensity and frequency. Matty had a hard time when I went away for the weekend, so the change proved to be too much for him. That sweet family gave so much of themselves to care for him and I felt so helpless thousands of miles away. Eventually, the vet felt that it would be best to put him down.  This was about five months after I arrived in Tanzania. When I felt God calling me to be a missionary, I didn't really understand all that was involved. God is good. He loves me. He is sovereign. He knew when he called me to Tanzania, that Matty would end up being put down. Sometimes it seems silly to be so sad over a dog, but I can't help it.  I loved my dog and I miss him. 

Did I really just ask that?

Do you ever have surreal moments? You know those moments where you are watching yourself and realize that life has changed more than you ever thought possible or you have changed or even you realize that your understanding of life is a whole lot different. My first couple of trips to Tanzania were filled with the smiles and laughter of children. That melody of the children's laughter has played over and over in my heart. What a sweet sound. So, you can imagine that the tears of those same children make my heart feel like it is being ripped into pieces. Furthermore, I feel very protective of those children and when someone causes them pain or to cry, I want to defend them and to make it stop. 

One day, I was hanging out with some of the children as they were waiting to get a health screening. After finishing a meeting, I was just out in one of the villages catching up with the children. One of the boys that I do not often see came up to talk to me. This boy in particular can be elusive and I know has had a rough time. I had visited him several times with his sponsor and was hoping that his sponsor was there that day. The distance from Atlanta to Tanzania is hard to imagine for a child that has never been outside of his village. =)  Since I knew how much his sponsor loved and prayed for him, I began asking questions to get more of an update. 

I know that many of you are rather observant. Unfortunately, I do not have keen observational skills and do not always notice things. This was one of those rare moments where I actually saw pain in the eyes of a child, a child that is maybe 12 years old. As we began to talk, I realized that this precious child was hurting more than I could imagine. I knew that his mother had a drinking problem and that they lived in extreme poverty. In the past, there had been a problem of his mother selling the gifts that were given by the sponsor in order to purchase alcohol. I can't imagine how that sweet boy must have felt to see his mother take something that was given to him in order to purchase alcohol for herself. At what point, do you emotionally shut down, when you have experienced all that he has? 

We talked for a while and then a little light when on in my head. His mother has no money and no real way to get money other than a small garden that he takes care of. She drinks all the time. How does she get the money? So, I asked him if  a lot of men came to visit his mom? You could see the devastation on his face as he replied yes. That little boy had to be in the house as his mother prostituted herself to get money for her alcohol and possibly even food. I am not sure even how to process all of that.  On a practical note, that sweet boy is no longer living with his mother and is in a healthier living environment. Can you imagine what he has seen,what he has experienced? I am so thankful that God is a redeemer and a healer but those wounds seem so deep, almost too deep. 

That was the surreal moment for me. I was sitting on the ground in the middle of nowhere Africa, covered in dirt from playing with children earlier, having a conversation with a child in another language asking if his mother was prostituting herself.  When I felt God calling me to Tanzania, I had no idea what I was getting involved in. Life is so much messier than I realized. 

Upside Down

So, we know that God is in control and that as God, He probably knows what He is doing. He has seen the future. He might be aware of a few more things than me and has at least a little more wisdom than me. Just a little though. =) But, still I question him. I wonder what He is up to. I wonder if He has really thought through everything and has considered everything. I try to give him advice. When will I ever learn? I am so thankful that He is so patient and gracious with me. Can you believe the arrogance of trying to tell God what He should do for me? After everything that I have been through, you would think that by now I would just simply trust Him. I am guessing that until I get to heaven, I am going to be a mess. 

As some of you know, I am back in the states again. I returned to Tanzania in mid January and had a whirlwind of activity. Great stuff that God did, amazing stuff really. And, as I was climbing Mt. Meru at about 11,500 feet, I received a phone call. Can't believe that there are hardly any paved roads in Tanzania but I can get cell phone coverage on the side of a mountain at that high of an elevation.  My mother had called to tell me that my beloved grandmother had passed away. I felt like I had been physically hit, like someone had sucker punched me. It still does not seem real. I returned home to go to her funeral. 

After a lot of prayer, I decided to stay here for now. I am still praying about the future and the next step.  I will be updating more. 

There were lots of interesting, crazy, amazing, and heartbreaking stories that I never had the chance to write about, so I will be writing more of those stories even though they are from a while ago.  So keep on looking....

What a day!

Do you ever have one of those days that is just plain fun? You know one of those days where you laugh a lot and just really enjoy all that is happening. Monday was one of those days. We are in the midst of a week long training for the head teachers from each of our projects. We brought an expert in from the states who is absolutely fabulous! The training time has been unbelievable, definitely very powerful and impactful. However, my favorite part was when we took them flying. 

Because we are traveling to a different village each day, we do not have the time to spend 6 hours in the car one way with five villages to travel to.  Granted, we had time to travel six hours round trip on rough roads but not six hours one way. So, we needed to fly to that village.  When the teachers arrived on Sunday night, the upcoming flight was the center of the conversations. Everyone wanted to know who had flown before. They were so giddy, like the night before Christmas. One of them even said that she didn't think she could sleep. 

I took a TON of pictures. Flying on a big plane, but flying on a small Cessna that lands on a dirt road/field sort of air strip thing is a pretty exciting way to have your first flight.  So many fun times. One of them said, she thought this was the beginning of a new life for her.

I had attempted to explain our phrase of butterflies in the stomach. During the flight, one of the headteachers commented that he thought he understood about those butterflies but that his were quite big and flying around a lot. 

It was SO much fun! 

Once a troublemaker, always a troublemaker

For those of you that know me, I am sure it comes as a complete shock that I was ever a trouble maker.  I am so clearly a person that goes with the flow and always does what she is told. This would be one of those moments where my mother would be screaming for everyone to get out of dodge because lightning is about to strike and where my dad would be doubled over with laughter. They know the real story. I have been trouble since the day I was born, always causing mischief. As I have gotten older, I have learned to disguise it better, or at least I think I have. 

I am an adult now, and am supposed to be mature and responsible, but not really sure that I have achieved that just yet. Unfortunately, I tend to have a lot of fun getting into trouble. Somehow, even when I am not trying, I seem to get into trouble. I am pretty sure it is a hereditary disease, so technically not my fault. =) I blame my dad completely. 

So, there we were in one of the villages, WAY out in the bush. There are some frequent visitors from one of our partnering church in the states that have come to observe and serve at the school. One of the classes we visited was the kindergarten. We actually have two levels, K1 and K2. Since some of the teachers were in training for a couple of days, both classes were together, making a class of sixty 5 and 6 year old, incorrigible students. Also, the classrooms that were due to be finished before the beginning of the year are still not done. Hence, all of the students are jumbled together in the dining hall. Bottom line, the situation was already a little chaotic before I even got there. 

It started fine, with no trouble in sight. I was responsible and adult like. After introducing our visitors and singing a few songs with the class, I went over the the side of the room to sit down to allow one of the women to lead the children in some songs and talk with them a little. During the down time in between songs, I began a simple, innocent, little game of "peek-a-boo".  As many of you know, the giggles and squeals of delight of children are slightly addictive. If you don't know about this, tickle a child and see their laughter and then you are hooked forever. I think the disease might intensify slightly here in Tanzania. So, needless to say, I continued with the game for a while, expanding on the ways in which to hide and the silly faces that I would show. The more laughter I got, the crazier the actions and the faces.  (Like I said, total addict). 

Also, I tend to get caught up in my own little world at times and not realize what is going on around me. So, suddenly, I realized that the few students that I began playing with had quickly grown in the whole class of sixty. Every eye was on me, including the eyes of the teachers and our visitors. Oops! It seems that once again, I had gotten a tiny bit carried away. I had distracted two whole classes of students from the task at hand.  Once a trouble maker, always a trouble maker. But I couldn't help myself, those kids are just way too cute!!!! If you don't believe me, you should come here and see for yourself. Actually, even if you do believe, you should still come and see for yourself. =)