Looking Back

As the days pass, I look back more and more on what happened and I am just in awe of God's goodness and love. The Bible has come alive in ways that I never imagined. Verses like Isaiah 54:17 that says,"No weapon formed against you shall prosper." And, so many of the psalms, like Psalm 91: 2, " This I declare of the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place for safety; he is my God, and I am trusting Him."  My time with Lord has been so rich and I am thankful for the peace in the midst of everything that He has given me. 

One of my love languages is physical touch.  So, whenever I feel overwhelmed with emotions, all I need is someone to put their hand on my shoulder or my back and I feel calm and peace and like I could get through whatever I am going through. Throughout the whole time that we were being robbed, I felt God's hand on my back, keeping me calm helping me get through the ordeal. 

However, what is even more amazing to me, is that I think that God was preparing me for what was going to happen.  As I think many of you know, I was robbed back in August at knife point while going for a run down in Dar es Salaam. Even though I never felt my life was in danger, I have had some issues since that time. Whenever I walking by myself, I tense up. I start thinking about what I will do if I get attacked again.  I knew that I needed to change my thinking and not assume that every man that I passed was going to attack me. Recently, I had decided to hike Mt. Kilimanjaro over Christmas. In order to train, I have been going for long walk/runs near the house where we were staying. The area I would go to was perfect for training with lots of hills and around a nice lake.  I decided that I was not going to live in fear and made a point to greet people first and assume the best but be prepared for the worst. I realized that it was possible that I would be robbed again, but I would be okay.  I thought through I would react and what I could do. 

Last Wednesday, I heard from some long term missionaries here that several years ago, the area around the lake was known for its robberies, and I should check things out to see if things had improved. I did ask around and heard that security had improved significantly and that there had not been an attack in a long time. Nonetheless, I was a little scared before I went for my run on Thursday morning. However, I did not want to live my whole life locked up in my house. I want to be wise and not put myself in danger. I was assured that I was not in any danger, so I felt like there was nothing unwise about going for the run.  Still, this made me continue to process what I would do and how to stay calm and how to treat someone if he attacked me. 

Friday morning, as I shared earlier, I led the devotions and told the story of the Nepal missionary who was attacked. Because I had shared this story, I talked with one of my co-workers for a while afterwards about God's love and how He is always at work. I, often, watch the DVD of the concert of Les Miserables, my favorite broadway show. I was telling my co-worker about the time when Jean Valjean steals from the priest. After he was arrested, the priest said he gave those items to him and even gave him more. Once the police had left and Jean Valjean was free, the priest tells him to use those things to start an honest life. Even thinking about that, I feel prepared me. It helped me to process that things are replaceable, but that might be our only chance to love that person.  Friday night, I was not in a place to do that but I do think it helped. As silly as that sounds, I think God used Les Mis to help prepare me. God will use just about anything. =) 

Furthermore, as I was sitting reading the book Friday night, I realized that we weren't safe. We had not been staying in that house for long so I had not really thought about the safety myself but taken it for granted because we knew the people that had lived there.  In our previous house, I knew that we were as safe as we could be. Obviously, we could never be completely safe but a lot of things had been put in place. As I sat there, I realized that there was nothing to prevent anyone from coming in before we went to bed and the land around the house was very easy to break into. 

About two hours later, the men came into our house.  I think because God was preparing me, I wasn't overcome with shock. I felt the Lord's hand on my back and felt peace.  The first man said he was going to kill me, and I thought okay, how do I prevent this? My mission became to keep the situation calm, give them what they want, and help us to make it out of that situation alive.  

There is no explanation other than God for why we are still alive. We saw their faces. They were professionals. 

After they left, my body started trembling all over and continued for a long time.  These past few days, I have cried a lot and fallen apart. But, I know, that God was at work while they were there and in preparing me for what was going to take place. So, I am even more in awe of God's goodness and sovereignty.  He is not the author of evil but He knew what was going to happen. He prepared me and was ever present with us during the whole incident and protected us. 

The Details

Sometimes I close my eyes and I see the men walking in again. I can picture everything so clearly. Sometimes I feel like I am dreaming.  God has been so good and gracious during this time. I have felt his presence and his peace. The amount of prayers, love, and words of encouragement have been my legs to keep on going when I could not do it myself. I am so thankful. 

In order to shed more light on what occurred, I thought I would share the details. I will try to summarize but sometimes I forget things and some of the small things seemed so big to me. First off, we had moved from our former home and were staying in the home of other missionaries while they were home in Australia for a few months. The view and area is absolutely beautiful but a little isolated. 

This is my version of what happened. They divided us in the beginning. 

As I was sitting and reading a book around 8:30 Friday night, I saw a group of men enter  the house from the corner of my eye. At first, I was confused. I could not figure out why people would be entering our home.  We had just settled down after an incident with one of the dog's who had got his paw caught.  It was a beautiful, calm night and I had just finished a good book and was looking forward to starting another.  Before I fully comprehended what was going on, Julia screamed. Nothing made sense to me. Then, one of the men came over to me and said, "I am going to kill you." Stunned, I just stared back at him. He became fiercer and more adamant that he was going to kill me. After seeing the look in his eyes, I believed him. 

From that moment on, my purpose became calming the situation and doing whatever I could to keep them satisfied.  My computer was next to me, so I offered it to him and said he did not need to kill us. We would give them whatever he wanted, not to worry. He demanded money.  "No problem," I replied, "it is in my room, we can go together." He led me in there and I got out my money for him. He was angry that I did not have more American dollars, most of what I had was Shillings.  He pulled me out into the hall where another man held Julia. He was being quite rough with her, holding a gun up to her and pulling her hair.  The man that was holding Julia became angry as well because there was not a lot of American dollars. I think they were expecting to get a lot of cash, but we just did not have any.  The first man that was with me, looked at me and threatened me again if I did not produce dollars. I said, "really, we do not have any more. That was all that we had. We have already given you everything."  I explained that this was not our house, but that we were simply staying here while the couple was away in Australia.  They asked where the husband was, so it seemed like they knew that a man lived there. When the man that held Julia saw my watch, he grabbed it and was yanking it off my wrist. I offered to help and give it to him.  As they were holding us against the wall, the other men were in the other rooms searching through things, throwing them on the floor.  

After a minute, they brought us into the master bedroom and became more insistent about the dollars.  One of the men, came close to me and pointed the gun at me threatening to kill me. I said again, "that we had already given them everything." He seemed satisfied that I was telling the truth.  They took more items from that bedroom and then eventually locked is in.  We could hear them going through the rest of the house looking for more of our valuables.  Later, we saw the evidence of the search from the items thrown everywhere. 

We sat there for a while straining to hear if they had gone or not.  Because the dogs were barking loudly, it was difficult to know for sure. We sat and waited, minds and emotions reeling.  After a while, I ventured out the back door of the room that went out to the porch in order to get back in another door to unlock the bedroom door for Julia. 

Once we looked around, we could not believe what had just happened.  My whole body was trembling and I think I was just in shock. Now, we had to figure out what to do. We had no way to communicate with anyone.  Julia's phone was stolen and providentially, I had left mine at the office.  Our computers were stolen.  We pondered the thought of just leaving with our car but were still a little fearful of people waiting for us. Plus, to leave would mean unlocking all the gates in the dark, which makes us nervous on a normal nigh. The workers for the house live next door, right outside the gate. So, we decided that we needed to get to them to get help.  We knew we did not want to stay in the house that night.  We wanted out. We realized how unsafe we really were, how little security was in place.  However, to get to the workers meant going outside in the dark, not a very exciting prospect considering what had just happened. But, we knew we had to do it. So, I got a flashlight and made the first step outside. I was so scared, constantly looking around for any sign of them again.  I kept on telling myself that they would have fled by now, not have waited around. Even though my arguments were reasonable, I still didn't quite believe them and was trembling. I made it the fence and called out several times hoping that one of the workers would here. After it became a apparent that they were not going to hear me, I moved towards the gate.  I just stared at the gate and the key in my hands trying to decide if I really wanted to step outside. We were no safer inside the house, so I opened the gate and ran.  When I arrived at  their home, I explained what happened. Basic words in swahili seemed to escape me. Somehow, the message came across and they came over to help us. 

All we really wanted was to leave, get in our car and go away. Every Tuesday, we had been staying the night at the house of a couple from our church that led our home group. They have been missionaries for twenty years and we knew would take care of us. First, the workers recommended that we go to the police to file a report. We did. They came and were very kind and helpful.  But, were still anxious to go. After about an hour, we were finally able to go to the office to get my phone so that we could call.  Gary came and got us and brought us home. 

There is so much to be thankful for and we are amazed at God's protection. No one can believe that they did not wear masks, they allowed us to see their faces, and we were not killed. That is not how it works. God was there.  We have cried a lot these past few days but God is comforting us and getting us through this. I have been amazed at all of the love I have received.  I am going to be okay, it is just going to take some time. 

God's protection

One thing that I have learned is that I have no idea how much God is always doing on my behalf. God is always at work. 

Yesterday morning I led the devotions with the staff at Imara. I shared a story that I read recently that had really impacted me. Even as I shared it with the others, I struggled to hold back the tears because of the amazement of God's goodness and care. The story is a wonderful illustration of God's sovereignty and providence and faithfulness and so much more. It is out of a book called "On Being a Missionary" by Thomas Hale. 

I thought I would share a brief summary of that story. It is about a man that was a medical missionary in a rural area of Nepal. He would have to travel two days each way by bicycle to get to the town where he could get the needed medicine for his village. Since there were not any villages on the way, he would just sleep outside by a tree. On one trip going to get the medicine, he met a young man along the way.  He began to build a relationship with that man and after leaving was looking forward to seeing him again. After several months, he came upon that man again and talked with him.  The young man shared that he and several of his friends had planned to kill him and rob him on the way back from the trip when they first met. They knew his route and where he stayed. 

So, he and his friends went to the spot where he was sleeping and were hiding in the bushes planning their attack. As they looked at the man, they saw 26 men with weapons standing around guarding him.  They were shocked. Each of them counted individually and confirmed that there was 26, so they left. When the young man told the missionary the story, he could not believe it. He said that there were not any men guarding me. But the young man was emphatic that they all saw them.  

While the missionary was back in the states visiting, he shared the story with his home church. One man stood up and asked about the approximate date and time of that occurrence. After hearing the details, the man said that day he was on his way to work and felt like the Lord was leading him to pray for the missionary. He returned home and called several others to pray as well. He asked all the men that prayed that day to stand up. And, sure enough it was 26 men.  

That missionary had no idea what God was doing. He did not ask for that prayer, he did not pray it himself, but God knew. God was at work. 

When I shared that story yesterday morning, I had no idea how real it would become for me only a short time later. As some as you may know, five men broke into our house with a gun and machete and threatened to kill us and stole a lot of our stuff, some things that are irreplaceable. But, when I looked into the eyes of the man that threatened to kill me, I knew that he was willing to do it. It was not an idle threat meant to scare us. They had a mission and if we got in the way, then they were willing to do what was necessary. Often, people get injured or killed during a break in. God protected us. We are not hurt. I know that God was at work in ways that I will never know. More than ever, I am overwhelmed with the number of people that pray for me and are standing with me in this. Thank you so much. 

I will share more of the details later, but I wanted to let you all know that we are safe and staying in the home of friends and feeling the protection and love of God. 

Look at me, Daddy

My poor dad heard that phrase probably more times than most. I can remember being at the pool with my dad and wanting to show him all my new ways of jumping off the side of the pool. I seriously doubt there was as much creativity as I thought there was. I would walk up to the side of the pool, and scream look at me daddy, look at me and then whoosh off I went trying to jump as I high as I possibly could hopefully with a little bit of a twist mid air before I splashed into the water. As soon as I hit the water, I scrambled to the top with a giant grin on my face to see if my dad was watching. When he smiled back at me, I thought I could fly to the moon I was so excited. My whole body was tingling because my dad had seen me and given me his approval. I wanted that rush again, so I quickly swam to the side of the pool and started the process all over again. After 20 or so times, I think my dad's enthusiasm might have started to wane slightly. =) I can't imagine why. I am not sure what it is about children that want so much to have the affirmation and encouragement of others but it definitely transcends cultures, countries, and language.

Last week, I traveled to one of the villages to meet with the teachers and the pastor. I love the teachers. They are wonderful, amazing people that sacrifice so much and work so hard for the children. However, they do not come close to being as cute as those kids. So, I tend to take breaks during meetings to go play with the kids. Who wouldn't? Right?

While I was greeting the 1st grade class, I walked around and looked at their work. I asked how old they were, 5th grade, 6th grade, and they all just giggled. Who is the strange white woman who keeps coming back to our school! I asked about what they were learning and talked for a little while. Then, I walked over to one of the children and looked at his work and commented on how well he did. Actually, I might have just simply smiled and sayed that it was good. The student got that look, that all over tingle from the happiness of approval look. All of the students brought me their exercise books for their chance to have me look at their book and smile and say good job. They would all just look up at me mesmerized with these huge, ginormous smiles on their face like I had just given them a million dollars. They just wanted a little love and approval. Isn't neat to see how we are made by the same God and have the same desire for love ?

Yes, no, maybe so......

For a little over a month now, I have been almost paralyzed when making decisions. For some reason, the simplest of things have become overwhelming for me to choose. When I was in language school at the beginning of October, I first noticed the problem. Zanzibar is supposed to be one of the most beautiful places in all Africa and a common vacation spot here in Tanzania. After a year and a half, I was finally planning on going the weekend after I finished language school. But, there was no peace. I couldn't figure out why there wouldn't be peace about going to a beautiful place to rest and have fun on the beach and in the ocean. So, I didn't go. A day or two after that decision, I was faced with simply deciding if I would leave language school on Friday night or Saturday morning. I walked back and forth to the transport office completely unable to decide. It seemed completely ridiculous to not be able to make such a simple decision. What was the big deal? I would make the decision and then start walking to the reception area to tell them my plans and then stop almost frozen completely unsure if I was making the right decision.

I was not sure what was happening, because this is definitely not like me. Usually, I am a very quick decision maker and a risk taker with no problems. Over this past month, I have struggled with other issues like this. A friend asked me if I wanted to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro with her over Christmas. It seemed like it would be perfect timing and something that I have wanted to do. Once again, I went back and forth and just never felt peace. Needless to say, when people ask me how long I will be staying here I have no way of answering. That answer is definitely way out there in no man's land.

Even though this seems like a simple issue that I should be able to just snap out of, it is not happening. I am not really sure why. As I pray and try to sort through it, a couple of things have come up. I think somewhere in my desire to adapt to the culture, I got a little lost. Plus, I have a very strong personality that can be difficult at times. I do not have the gentle, meek spirit that it talks about in the Bible. I have pretty much the opposite personality. I started thinking that I need to stop doing this because it is bothering that person, and hold back when I am in this situation, and be careful not to come across in the wrong way. I was constantly afraid that I was going to do something or say something to offend someone.

Yes, it is important to be culturally sensitive. Yes, it is important to allow God to mold us more into who He wants us to be. However, somewhere in the midst of all of that I started to think that my personality was a sin. I thought that there was something wrong with me. Why can't I be like other women who are kind, and gentle, and quiet, and supportive? Why do I always charge full steam ahead and think later? Sometimes being me is just plain exhausting! =) I was afraid to be me. I think that was the reason I was so paralyzed with decisions. I no longer trusted myself to make the right decision.

Now, I am trying to fight lies with truth. God created me just the way I am. God loves me just the way I am. My personality is not a sin it is a gift from God. Jesus was gentle in spirit and he overthrew tables, so it might look a little different than what I think. I am definitely still in process dealing with all of this but starting to feel hope and freedom. I have a long way to go, but I am so thankful that God is gracious and caring and is never going to give up on me. He will be there with me through it all.

My Special Talent

Don't you just love talented people? I am always amazed at people's skills and talents. Isn't unbelievable to sit and listen to someone play the piano in ways that just move you, or sing so beautifully that you cry? Talent looks so different. One of my friends special skills is teaching in a way that captures students' interests and makes them see that they are capable of more than they realized. Everyone seems to have a talent of their own. My special talent seems to be putting my foot in my mouth. I am amazing at it. Everyone can see that is about to happen, even me, but yet I seem powerless to stop it. I try to think before I speak but I think the connector between my brain and jaw short circuited years ago! You would think that my foot is made of chocolate with amount of times that I have had to eat it.

One of the favorite things that I have done in the past is to explain something to someone who turns out to be an expert. You know when you might have read an article in a magazine about something and now think you know a lot and then explain it to someone else. That person is usually very gracious and listens attentively. However, later you friend pulls you aside and tells you that the person you were just talking to was the creator, or the foremost expert, or something else ridiculous like that. My life is so full of the ridiculous. And, unfortunately, I never learn!

But, it gets worse. I do the same thing with God. I try to tell Him how to do things, how I think things should be done, what I think is best. I question Him, get angry at Him. And, as embarassing as it is to say, I even throw little tantrums trying to get my way with God. Imagine a 2 year old who wants to play with a toy that is his brother's. He rolls over on his stomach and bangs his fist crying and screaming NO! You have just witnessed my reaction to God most of the time. I don't know why I don't just trust Him. Why do I want things my own way? Why do I think I know more than God? Where does this arrogance come from?

And, God does not give me the whooping that my backside deserves. He picks me up and holds me and waits for me to finish my tantrum and then gently comforts me. Every time, He is right. Every time, He is good. Every time, He is loving and gracious.

I am not sure that I will ever change. Hopefully, with age and maturity, the amount of times I stick my foot in my mouth will decrease. The amazing part is that God knows it all. He knows how much of a mess I really am and still loves me!