Lost in another world

Arusha has recently hit the big time! That's right, we have a movie theatre! I think the presence of the United Nations and their hunger for entertainment has benefitted the rest of us. Each week it plays one western movie and one Bollywood movie. Very exciting. Of course, the movies are not always quality but beggars cannot be choosers! Last week, we went to see a good movie. It was nice feel good, romantic comedy. After the movie ended and we walked out of the theatre, I realized that I was in Africa. I had gotten so absorbed that I completely forgot. The fact that I live in a developing country had completely left my mind. Then, I felt a little sad. I miss America. I loved my life there. So many times over the past few years, I would stop and be overwhelmed with all the ways that God had blessed me. An amazing job that I loved and felt passionate about that had the best people to work for and work with; a wonderful church where I felt invested in and strong community; quality friends that knew me and loved me, my fantastic family that is way too much fun; and so much more.

I was not running away from life in America. Anything but... The only reason I came is because I know that God called me here. I am exactly where He wants me to be. When the days are long or I feel completely useless or I feel like I have taken ten steps backward, I cling to that truth. God knows what he is doing. He is sovereign. And, what is even more amazing is that He has given me such a love for the people here and I feel so overwhelmed at times with all the ways He has blessed me here. I guess God's blessings are dependent on location, He follows you everywhere!

Happy Turkey day!

I cannot believe that Thanksgiving has already come and gone. The day kind of came out of nowhere. Without the changing the leaves and cold weather, I think I would often forget that it is fall season which is definitely my favorite time of year. Since most of the people I work with are Tanzanians and the rest are from other western countries, no one else took the day off of work. However, Julia and I decided that we were definitely not going to work on the yummiest of all holidays.

This Thanksgiving looked nothing like any other Thanksgiving I have ever had. We did not have turkey, stuffing, Dad's famous cranberry sauce, my brother's favorite green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, or my favorite pecan pie. We were not with family or even with a big group of people: it was simply Julia and I. Without the usual comforts and delights of this wonderful day, we decided to do something completely different: go hike up to a waterfall. Enjoying God's creation seemed like the best plan possible. The night before when we returned home late from one of the villages, we discovered our car was in pieces... again. The mechanic had to do a lot of work on it and it would not be ready for several days. So, no transportation.

So, what to do... Julia and I slept in a bit and then went to one of the nice hotels in town and had a buffet breakfast. Mmmmm.... so yummy. Afterwards we walked around town a bit and eventually ended up underneat a huge tree sitting on the grass. As we sat there, we shared various stories of God's faithfulness through the years. We told amazing tales of God's goodness, provision, and love. What a sweet time!

Then, we returned home, watched a movie on our computer and made some homemade spaghetti. To give us a taste of the holiday, we made butternut squash with some cinnamon and pumpkin spice. Very good!

While processing through day, I could not help but be overwhelmed with thankfulness for all that God has done for me. How funny that this Thanksgiving looked so different and it was the first time that I think that I really got it....

I hope you all had a wonderful day!

Blessings!

One of my favorite scriptures is Malachi 3:10 which says, "'Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,' says the LORD Almighty, 'and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.'" As I sat at church on Sunday that is nothing more than some pieces of wood on some tree posts with tarps for a roof overlooking a stunning view of a beautiful hillside, I realized all that God had done for me this past week and felt overwhelmed. He is always looking out for me. He is always caring for me and working on my behalf. I can trust Him.

While admiring God's beautiful creation, I couldn't help but realize all the ways that He has blessed me this week and those are just things that I see and do not include the million things that I did not see. Probably not a suprise to most, but I am a bit of a people person and relationships are of utmost importance to me. Developing relationships takes time especially when you are the new kid on the block. Monday was when I felt like my world was crashing down on me. Tuesday night, a friend that has been hear for several years came by for dinner. We have tried for several months but our traveling schedules never matched. What a blessing to hear from someone that I am normal and this is part of the process. Wednesday night, Julia, my lovely roommate and I went out with a friend from work for dinner and a movie on the lawn. It was fun to do something social. Thursday night, we went to the home of one of the project managers and visited with him and his family. Saturday night, a good friend came over. She is returning back to the UK soon and it was sooooo good to have quality time with her. Finally, Sunday, what a blessing to worship with Tanzanians and to see so many of the people that I work with in a social setting.

Throughout this past week, there have been uncountable ways that God has shown me that He will not leave me or abandon me. He loves me and will always be there. I cannot tell you how much the prayers and words of encouragement have meant to me at a time when I did not think that I would make it another day. I am so overwhelmed by your love and support. Ninakushukuru sana!

Light Bulb moment

Do you ever have one of those moments where the light bulb turns on and things start to make more sense? You see how things fit together or you see why you have been feeling a certain way. I have definitely been struggling lately for various reasons, one of those reasons has been the language. My relationships can not go deep unless I speak their language. I miss parts of conversations, things take longer, and people are much less likely to listen to me and respect me when I speak in English and use a translator. As I think many of you know, I have been praying that I will be able to converse with ease by Christmas time. I want that click to happen where I do not have to translate everything in my head and I can have deep and meaningful conversations with others. I know that I will acheive fluency by that time but I hope to be well on my way. I began praying that some time this summer and felt like it was from the Lord.

Throughout these past months, I felt like I have made significant progress. I am definitely able to speak a lot more but lately I feel like I am on a plateau and the progression has not been as great. I have begun to doubt God and His faithfulness, even though time and time and time again He has showed me that He is faithful and good.

While I was driving my tutor home yesterday, I had a light bulb moment. Because right now, I can't speak like I hope to in six weeks, I assume that means God isn't faithful. He has not already done what I have prayed will happen in the future. I don't see how it can happen. I feel so far. Then it clicked, Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Having faith in God, means trusting Him even when it doesn't make sense even when it seems impossible. So right now, I am trusting by faith that God will finish the work He has begun. It is not about me, but about Him. I have worried, stressed, freaked out, and so much more over the language. God is able. I can trust Him. He is there.

Would you please pray that I would keep my eyes focused on Him, that He would grow my faith, and that He would continue to deepen my trust?

Survival of the fittest

If Darwinism really existed, I am not sure that my kind would have survived. We would have been extinct long, long ago. We typically like to pretend that we can handle everything and not pay attention to the warning signs. We could be in a room with a Cobra that is about to attack and not realize because we are lost in our thoughts. We tend to be very black and white unlike most of the world. We tend to not be that patient even though most of the world needs to time to think and process. We tend to not be very gentle even though the people respond better to a gentle touch. We tend to value efficiency over relationships. My species might have survived in the west, but definitely not in Africa. They all would have died off with the dinosaurs. But, still,... I am here.

I am learning that I need to be the one to change and adjust but that I also need to realize what I can and cannot handle and make adjustments accordingly. I went for run yesterday morning. Man, did that feel good. Of course my legs today are a little sore. I haven't gone running since I got here because I get stared enough and I did not want to be this strange white woman going for a run in a country where most people have to walk miles everyday. But, I decided I have to do it. I need to exercise. I need to be able to clear my head even though it is strange culturally. I want to do the best I can to adapt and fit in culturally but I need to recognize that I am still American and that will never change and I need to do some things even if it is considered strange. I am praying and processing through a lot of things to try and figure out what I need to do to help myself.

On Monday, I felt like a sinking ship. I felt like I was going down quickly and I was gasping for air. Today, I feel like my boat is afloat and but still has holes. I am trying to find those holes and repair them so that I can continue sailing through here. Thank you all so much for your prayers they are keeping me afloat!

Not as strong as I thought...

Do you ever keep on going and just hope that you will be strong enough to handle things? I want to be able to handle things. I do not want to be weak. I do want to be a burden to others. I want to just suck it up, have a good attitude, and perservere. Do you have times where you think it will be fine tomorrow, just keep going? I am not sure that that is actaully dealing with things. Oh well. I usually prefer to pretend rather than be honest. Did you know that it is hard to be far from home, to be far from everything that is familiar, far from family and friends and even my puppy dog, far from help? It is a bit harder than I expected. I grew up overseas. I have traveled a lot. I have been on lots of mission trips. I did foreign exchange programs. I have even been a missionary for a year before. Surely, I should be able to handle all of this. I knew that things will be difficult, but I am tough I can handle it. But apparently, I am not so tough... I am not sure what to say or how to ask you to pray but please pray. Right now more than anything I want to go home see my parents, curl up on the couch with my dog, go on a bike ride with my dad, hang out with my brothers and their families, and laugh with old friends who have known me for years and love me for who I am knowing all my faults. I think this is more than homesickness though. I am not sure.

Marriage is what brings us together today

Okay, mom, breathe. Breathe in, breathe out. I am not talking about me... Well, sort of, but not really. For those of you that do not recognize that quote, it is from one of the all time best movies and books, "Princess Bride". I highly recommend it. It is the scene where Princess Buttercup is being forced to marry Prince Humperdink. Really, would you want to be Mrs. Humperdink. I think not!

Back to my point, marriage. I haven't actually been married. I hope that I can really say that I haven't been married yet! We'll see. So, if you happen to know a VERY tall, ruggledly handsome, Jesus loving, funny man that has the patience of a saint... But I am getting off topic again. Can you tell that I was ADD as a child?

What I am getting at is that I think being a missionary is a little like being married. Of course, this is all speculation but I have had about 14 roommates get married so this is based on some of what I have heard.

My first couple of trips were like dating. You meet the person and you instantly feel a connection. You can tell that there is something different, something special. You definitely want to pursue this relationship. You get to know them better and really enjoy them. They have quirky cute little habits. As you pray about them, you feel like God is brining you together. Eventually, you feel complete peace and know that God is calling you two together. So, you take the plunge. In my case, you move across the world.

Next, is the the honeymoon stage. You are so excited about the newness. Everything is wonderful. You see each other every day and you don't really care that they make funny sounds and chew with their mouth open. It's okay that they do things differently than you thought. You know that you are exactly where God wants you to be.

But, then the honeymoon ends and you realize to make this work it is going to take a lot of work. To have a successful, God honoring relationship will take a lot of effort, time, patience, compromise, sacfrifice, humility, persistence, love, and so much more. You go deeper and you see underneath the surface. You see the hurt, pains, ugliness, junk and everything else. Loving someone at this level takes commitment and the love of God. You are definitely aware at this point that they are not perfect and those quirky little habits are not so cute anymore. But you still know you are exactly where God wants you to be.

I can relate a lot to those feelings. As I go deeper in my understanding of the people and the culture and what it takes to work here, I realize that I am exactly where God wants me to be but it will take work.

Finishing the Race

I have always been excellent at starting things but finishing them has never been my strength. I start with such gusto but quickly fade away. So, I do actually like to finish things but that requires details. ARGH! Definitely not my favorite thing. Isn't that what husbands are for? But I digress, let me bring it back to the point. Swahili! Did you know that it is actually quite difficult to achieve fluency in a language especially if you have tendencies towards impatience? I made some great progress early on in the process but now that I actually want to be fluent, I feel so far away. It feels like I will never get there. I doubt my ability to finish what I have started, my track record is not all that good. We have devotions at the office every morning and I find myself more focused on trying to understand the Swahili than the message. I study myself to sleep every night and usually study while eating breakfast. I feel so anxious to master this language and be able to communicate with ease.

Some fun pictures!

Special Perks

I don't know about you, but I always thought that missionaries should get special perks from God. You know like the stoplights always being green when you pull up, never having car troubles, ATM's always working, and certainly, under no circumstances should any missionary have GREY hair! Last night, my roommate, Julia and I were hanging out with a friend when they noticed a very long, very grey hair. Can you believe it! This is not supposed to happen. I thought for sure that being a missionary was the gateway to eternal youth. So, just in case any of you weren't sure: life is still very ordinary as a missionary. I have grey hair. My car is outside right now being repaired for the umpteenth time; I usually have to go to three or four ATMs to find one that works or that has not run out of money and we have one traffic light in town and it is never green! Oh Well.... =) God is still good! He shows that in so many ways even though I have grey hair.

Proud accomplishments

So, years from now I hope that there will be things that I will think of fondly remembering how God worked both through me and in me. However, I have to say that one of my proudest accomplishments will be teaching the children of Africa to give me five and say "Alright" with a little bit of attitude. I had so much fun yesterday playing with the children. We were in Likamba taking pictures of the children as we start up our child sponsorship program there and I just couldn't help myself. As others were working, I sang and danced with them. When they sing, they usually do lots of fun dance moves. One of my favorites is about the elephant who wants to ride the bus. He can't get in and they ask why, why, why? He says, because I'm too big, because I'm too big. While doing this, cute little five year olds wiggle their bottoms back and forth and put their hands to their heads in exasperation while singing. Hilarious! Why work when you can play with kids....

We did get all of our work done, mom, so don't worry. I am not a total slacker! =)