Just Like Home

As I am sure you can imagine, things stateside are just a little bit different than things back in Tanzania. Life is so different and sometimes I feel like I am on a different planet but yesterday something happened that made me feel like I was back home in my beloved Tanzania. My dad has graciously allowed me to work out at his gym. Yesterday morning, I was striding away on the elliptical machine, you will never guess what happen... That's right, the power went out! It made me feel like life was normal again. Everything being reliable and working all the time was starting to mess with my head. I couldn't help but laugh at everyone else's response to the "emergency" situation. Needless to say, I felt right at home.

Fitting in...

I am not sure if any of you were ever a cool kid. Even though this might be shock to many of you, I was not. But, boy, did I try hard to be one, to fit in. More than anything in the world I wanted to fit in, to belong, to feel like I was part of the group. As I look back, I am ashamed of a lot of the things that I did in my elusive attempt at fitting in. I compromised so much of who I was and became who I thought others wanted me to be. I lied, exaggerated, told ridiculous stories all so that the cool kids would think that I was interesting. Now, by the grace of God, I am much more comfortable with who I am and have finally come to the realization that I am not a cool kid and never will be. However, I have also learend that community is very important to me. I do desire to belong, to have a place and feel like I fit in. God designed us for community, so it does not make me a freak for desiring it; some of my other quirky habits take care of that. =) So, now there is a problem. I don't really feel like I fit in anywhere. Throughout this past year in Tanzania, I have often thought I am never going to fit in. I will always be an outsider. No matter how well I speak the language, how long I live there, how much I have adapted to the culture, I will always be a visitor. The color of my skin is the first thing that is noticed regardless of anything else. While I was thinking about things that I was looking forward upon my return, honestly, one of the them was just being able to blend in, not always being stared at. I wanted to be normal, to be ordinary, to be just another person on the bus. Here, the color of my skin doesn't mean anything which I love, but I still can't help feeling like I don't fit in, like I don't belong. I feel different now. So, the thing I am struggling with the most right now is that I don't feel like I fit in anywhere....

Books, wireless, and Frappacinos

Right now I am snuggled in a little cove at a Barnes and Noble after just finishing my very first Frappacino in a over a year. I have dreamed of this moment, a blended drink, that is cold that has ice in it that does not make my whole body tremble in fear. I know the water is safe what a liberating feeling! As I sit here catching up on emails, there is a group of kids outside the window. Of course I can see all of their underwear since their pants are hanging so low and the beloved spiked mohawk is apparently still in style. I thought it died in the 80s. Oh well some things just never go away. However, I can't help but feel that life is oddly normal. I am a bit suprised by how effortlessly I drifted back into this way of life. Back in Tanzania, I expected to be angry at all the people that just live their lives as if the most important thing in the world is their next cup of coffee. But I don't. I am not really sure why. I haven't really expected anything different from them. I think as I struggle through the differences in two very different worlds I have realized that God loves me just as much when I am doing nothing of value as He does when I am "serving Him". His love has nothing to do with what I do but with who I am. Being back home has been strange because no expects me to do anything, they just want to see me and visit with me and talk to me. They love me because of who I am not because of what I do. I had not realized how much pressure I had put on myself back in Tanzania. And, it really was me not anyone else putting that pressure. I lived in Tanzania surrounded by poverty and social injustice. The work never ended and I never let it end. How exhausting! So, now I am just working through resting in God and realizing that I can be a complete failure, a total nobody, and God will not love me any less.

Culture Shock

I cannot believe that it has been one week since I left. As I prepared for my return, I was not sure what would be the hardest part about returning. Would it be the accessibility of everything, the smooth roads, the cost of things, Target? It is hard to know what would be hard. For me, it has been the strangest things, the little things. When I first arrived in Atlanta and went through the security check, I was dumbfounded by all the ziploc bags just sitting out for people to use. Granted these were because of the new security issues but I live in a place where they are incredibly hard to find and sooo expensive. They are like gold. I looked at all of those ziploc bags and couldn't believe they could be lying out so carelessly. Next up, in my strange world: Target. What girl doesn't love Target. However, as I made my first trip back I was not sure what to expect. How would I handle seeing all the clothes, shoes, DVDs, etc? How would I handle all that stuff after being where I have been? Suprisingly, no real issues... not until I got home and I unpacked my bag. Bags are so hard to come by and we need them often, so I wasn't sure what to do. Should I pack it up in my suitcase to take home with me? Surely, I couldn't just discard it. At dinner one night, we finished a jar of salsa. As happy as I was to finally eat salsa, for me all I could think about was how valuable and useful that jar was. Earlier today I was driving through Atlanta and passed my beloved school, Georgia Tech. On the billboard they were advertising football tickets and I just started crying. I felt sad about missing another football season. Then, I just felt strange that I was crying about football of all things. Needless to say, I am taking things one day at a time and just trying to cling to God through all of it!

Upside down, Inside out, and Walking Backwards

That is a little like what I feel like right now as I sit in the Amsterdam airport on a computer that has internet that works at a speed that I forgot that the Western world lived in. I did not have to log in go get a book, take a nap, and come back! Which is a good thing since I am only paying for fifteen minutes. Can you imagine what it would be like if someone told us that we had been lied to or maybe just misinformed and now scientists have discovered that the sky is not blue it is in fact, red. This one simple thing changes everything. If the sky is blue, then what color is the sun, the stars, the grass, the ocean, everything? All of sudden our understanding and perception of everything would be altered, forever different. It would take a while for us to adjust to it and I think that some of us would fight it for a while before we would accept it but eventually we would adjust. However, in the beginning it would feel weird and we would no longer be sure of anything. If the sky is red, is the ocean red too if it was originally blue? We would know that the grass is not green but what color is it. We know that everything is different but we are not sure exactly what the new reality is. As bizarre and mystic as this all sounds, that is how I feel right now. I feel different, strange, not quite myself, and not quite sure of how to look at things, to feel, just about anything. So, if you happen to see a strange white woman wondering around looking a bit lost, it might be me.....