Being a Hypocrite

I came to Tanzania to help the poor. I came wanting to serve the least and the lost, the poorest of the poor. All of that seems rather good and noble, until I realized my true character. I only want to help others when it is convenient for me. I do not want to help others when I am tired or hungry, even though I probably cannot imagine what it really means to be tired and hungry. I have never gone a day without a meal, I have never slept outside, on the ground because I had no place else to go. I get tired and irritable and do not want to be bothered with the needs of others when I have other things that I want to do. I will only help people when it is part of my schedule. I need to be efficient and have a well organized plan, not just waste my day by helping every person I see.

Everywhere I turn I see need. It is exhausting and at times I find myself wanting to escape, to retreat, to block it all out. There are days, where I feel like I just can't handle it. I think it is easier to have it be a scheduled activity because then I keep it compartmentalized and I don't have to get my hands dirty. Things get too messy. I like to stay in my nice, safe little house rather than be the hands and feet.

It is hard to see yourself as a hypocrite. I thank God for His grace in my life and that He is in the business of redeeming people.