Fitting in...

I am not sure if any of you were ever a cool kid. Even though this might be shock to many of you, I was not. But, boy, did I try hard to be one, to fit in. More than anything in the world I wanted to fit in, to belong, to feel like I was part of the group. As I look back, I am ashamed of a lot of the things that I did in my elusive attempt at fitting in. I compromised so much of who I was and became who I thought others wanted me to be. I lied, exaggerated, told ridiculous stories all so that the cool kids would think that I was interesting. Now, by the grace of God, I am much more comfortable with who I am and have finally come to the realization that I am not a cool kid and never will be. However, I have also learend that community is very important to me. I do desire to belong, to have a place and feel like I fit in. God designed us for community, so it does not make me a freak for desiring it; some of my other quirky habits take care of that. =) So, now there is a problem. I don't really feel like I fit in anywhere. Throughout this past year in Tanzania, I have often thought I am never going to fit in. I will always be an outsider. No matter how well I speak the language, how long I live there, how much I have adapted to the culture, I will always be a visitor. The color of my skin is the first thing that is noticed regardless of anything else. While I was thinking about things that I was looking forward upon my return, honestly, one of the them was just being able to blend in, not always being stared at. I wanted to be normal, to be ordinary, to be just another person on the bus. Here, the color of my skin doesn't mean anything which I love, but I still can't help feeling like I don't fit in, like I don't belong. I feel different now. So, the thing I am struggling with the most right now is that I don't feel like I fit in anywhere....

Books, wireless, and Frappacinos

Right now I am snuggled in a little cove at a Barnes and Noble after just finishing my very first Frappacino in a over a year. I have dreamed of this moment, a blended drink, that is cold that has ice in it that does not make my whole body tremble in fear. I know the water is safe what a liberating feeling! As I sit here catching up on emails, there is a group of kids outside the window. Of course I can see all of their underwear since their pants are hanging so low and the beloved spiked mohawk is apparently still in style. I thought it died in the 80s. Oh well some things just never go away. However, I can't help but feel that life is oddly normal. I am a bit suprised by how effortlessly I drifted back into this way of life. Back in Tanzania, I expected to be angry at all the people that just live their lives as if the most important thing in the world is their next cup of coffee. But I don't. I am not really sure why. I haven't really expected anything different from them. I think as I struggle through the differences in two very different worlds I have realized that God loves me just as much when I am doing nothing of value as He does when I am "serving Him". His love has nothing to do with what I do but with who I am. Being back home has been strange because no expects me to do anything, they just want to see me and visit with me and talk to me. They love me because of who I am not because of what I do. I had not realized how much pressure I had put on myself back in Tanzania. And, it really was me not anyone else putting that pressure. I lived in Tanzania surrounded by poverty and social injustice. The work never ended and I never let it end. How exhausting! So, now I am just working through resting in God and realizing that I can be a complete failure, a total nobody, and God will not love me any less.

Culture Shock

I cannot believe that it has been one week since I left. As I prepared for my return, I was not sure what would be the hardest part about returning. Would it be the accessibility of everything, the smooth roads, the cost of things, Target? It is hard to know what would be hard. For me, it has been the strangest things, the little things. When I first arrived in Atlanta and went through the security check, I was dumbfounded by all the ziploc bags just sitting out for people to use. Granted these were because of the new security issues but I live in a place where they are incredibly hard to find and sooo expensive. They are like gold. I looked at all of those ziploc bags and couldn't believe they could be lying out so carelessly. Next up, in my strange world: Target. What girl doesn't love Target. However, as I made my first trip back I was not sure what to expect. How would I handle seeing all the clothes, shoes, DVDs, etc? How would I handle all that stuff after being where I have been? Suprisingly, no real issues... not until I got home and I unpacked my bag. Bags are so hard to come by and we need them often, so I wasn't sure what to do. Should I pack it up in my suitcase to take home with me? Surely, I couldn't just discard it. At dinner one night, we finished a jar of salsa. As happy as I was to finally eat salsa, for me all I could think about was how valuable and useful that jar was. Earlier today I was driving through Atlanta and passed my beloved school, Georgia Tech. On the billboard they were advertising football tickets and I just started crying. I felt sad about missing another football season. Then, I just felt strange that I was crying about football of all things. Needless to say, I am taking things one day at a time and just trying to cling to God through all of it!

Upside down, Inside out, and Walking Backwards

That is a little like what I feel like right now as I sit in the Amsterdam airport on a computer that has internet that works at a speed that I forgot that the Western world lived in. I did not have to log in go get a book, take a nap, and come back! Which is a good thing since I am only paying for fifteen minutes. Can you imagine what it would be like if someone told us that we had been lied to or maybe just misinformed and now scientists have discovered that the sky is not blue it is in fact, red. This one simple thing changes everything. If the sky is blue, then what color is the sun, the stars, the grass, the ocean, everything? All of sudden our understanding and perception of everything would be altered, forever different. It would take a while for us to adjust to it and I think that some of us would fight it for a while before we would accept it but eventually we would adjust. However, in the beginning it would feel weird and we would no longer be sure of anything. If the sky is red, is the ocean red too if it was originally blue? We would know that the grass is not green but what color is it. We know that everything is different but we are not sure exactly what the new reality is. As bizarre and mystic as this all sounds, that is how I feel right now. I feel different, strange, not quite myself, and not quite sure of how to look at things, to feel, just about anything. So, if you happen to see a strange white woman wondering around looking a bit lost, it might be me.....

Dog people vs. Cat People

Yes, the century long battle continues between the sweet, loving, and loyal group of dog lovers vs. the snobby, too good for you, leave me alone group of cat people. I am sure it is impossible at this point to tell which group I belong to. I will let the suspense continue for a little while longer. =) Either way, we are all pet lovers. Do you know what it is about having a pet that makes us happy? Why do kids beg and plead to get one? For me, having a dog was so much fun. It was great to have my little guy to go for walks with and play with and snuggle with. But then, one morning I awoke to weird sounds only to discover that my dog was having a grand mal seizure that lasted about 5 minutes. I thought he was dying. I just cried and held him. Throughout the next year, my little Matty had many more seizures. Because he had grand mal cluster seizures, I had to take him to the vet emergency clinic often. The amount of money that I spent on my dog was definitely significant. Eventually, they became so frequent and severe that too much damage had been done and he needed to be put down. I loved my dog.

This morning when I got online, one of the news headlines was about wheelchairs for pets. As I looked at the cute little dog in his wheelchair, I just started to cry. It came out of nowhere. I wasn't expecting it. However, I wasn't crying because of the dog, I was crying because of the people that I see here. I was crying because of all the people I see crippled, many of whom do not even have wheelchairs and if they do they are nothing like what we have in the States. I am not sure what to do with the things that I see everyday. How do I help? How do I not help? How do I not hurt for these people that I see limping along who have to walk miles just to get water? How does my heart not break for people that have little to no value in their society and are cast offs? But, how do I live in a perpetual state of brokenness? In it is not every once in a while that I see these things, it is every day.

As Julia and I were driving yesterday, she told me the story of a woman that was just heartbreaking that she saw earlier. I think the man in the wheelchair along the side of the road whose legs were size of a tiny tree branch might have been what reminded her of that woman but I am not sure. I couldn't help but think that we have barely begun to scratch the surface of the despair and poverty in this country and really all over.

Honestly, sometimes it is too much for me. I just want to run away and hide and forget about all the things that I have seen. I just want to go home and go back to my old life and let these people just be people that I see occassionally on the news or that I hear stories about rather than real people that I know. But I know I can't...

Systems, processes, and other practical things

When people come to Africa to serve, I think the dream is often to help by feeding a starving child or giving medicine to someone suffering from AIDS or building a house for a widow. I know that is what I thought about. Some of my favorite times this past year have been when I was sitting on a rock in someone's mud hut that is too small for me to even stand and listening to their story and praying for them. However, as I have gone deeper into the ministry as a whole, I have realized that a lot more is needed. If people want to feed a starving child, food needs to be bought, a cook needs to be found, people to distribute food need to be hired. To give someone medicine means making sure the right health people are involved and that there is proper care. To build a house means getting a quote and bill of quantity for all the supplies and finding the right people to help. On an ever grander scale, building a school! WOW! The work that takes from the classrooms to the desks and chairs, from the septic tank to the retaining walls. We have learned that in the process of all of this we need better communication and involvement of the community and pastors. Throughout my time here, I felt frustrated, disappointed, discouraged, disheartened and whole other range of emotions because of mundane, practical things. So, last week when I finished my week I felt this enormous since of progress! I felt like we were making head way on developing systems and processes and had created a few simple forms. YEAH!

Sometimes it's the little things....

Perspective

Do you ever lose perspective? Do you ever get so focused on the things that are right in front of you that you forget to take a step back and look at the big picture? Do you ever get so caught up in all the things that you have to do that you forget all the things that have already been done? That sometimes you are not working with your head up, but with your head down.
I am hoping that I am not alone in this! I am so thankful that God so often steps into my life and helps me see what He sees. Yesterday, I felt like God took my head in His hands and lifted up to take a look around.

We went to the village of Karanse with a long agenda of things to discuss. These things varied from teams that are coming to communication, from painting of the school to a sewing class for widows. So many things to do and so little time. There is so much to do. After we finished meeting with the pastor and social worker, we needed to go and greet the teachers. At that time, school was just finishing and all the students were lined up for the end of the day assembly. As they worshipped God, singing with all of their heart as loud as they can, I just cried. It is so easy to lose perspective and get caught up in the little things. I so often forget what God has already done and what He is doing. These children are loved and cared for. They are receiving one of the best educations in all of Tanzania. They are poor village kids that live in mud huts yet they get to learn and have awe and wonder in the discovery of so many amazing things. On a daily basis, they are taught that God loves them and are shown that love through their teachers and other workers. They have hope. Their lives are forever changed. WOW! What a good God we serve!