My Tanzania Adventure

Going Home?

2009-07-31T12:06:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in the airport about to board the plane to head back to Tanzania. I cannot really discern the plethora of emotions running through me. It feels strange that Tanzania isn't home but it feels good for Georgia to be home again. I feel sad and happy at the same time. I am so excited but don't know what to really expect. How can I just visit? How can I not go and stay? How can I leave that place again with all of those people? I am afraid that I will feel like an outsider. I just feel a little not quite so normal. Although, what is normal really, especially for me? I know I am where God wants me and I feel peace and joy in that. I have loved my time back in America. Honestly, I think I just feel a little torn.

I am heading back for three weeks which seems like a really long time that is too short. I will hit the ground running. I arrive Saturday night and on Sunday will fly down to Dar es Salaam for our first ever national conference for Christian education. Seeing this dream become a reality is such a sweet reminder of God's faithfulness. He is a big God, that loves for us to dream big. I think sometimes He is just quietly whispering to us and saying no that isn't big enough, go bigger. Let me show you what I can really do! Isn't God amazing!

I will be able to update my blog regularly. Well, I hope. That is assuming there is internet and assuming it works and assuming there is power. I might have gotten a little too used to the world of power everyday with fast internet! =)

The Definition of Poverty

2009-05-06T13:07:00.000-07:00

How would you define poverty? Is it even important to define it? Working at soup kitchens as a teenager broke my heart. I remember one Thanksgiving a family came in for a thanksgiving meal but they were one of the last people to arrive. For most of the day, we were able to provide the families with clothes, jackets, and other items to help with the cold. By the time this family arrived, we had given everything away. While this sweet family sat there enjoying their meal, the father asked if we had any more socks because his children did not have any and they were freezing and having some other complications. I felt helpless and just went to a back room and cried. I thought this was poverty. Then I went to China. I saw people go to trash bins where human waste was mingled in with leftover food and use their chopsticks to eat off the street, literally. I have never been that hungry. The same level of poverty hit me while I was in Africa, children dying because they cannot get food or clean water. The problem was that these were no longer children that I saw on TV but children that sat in front of me.

However, last Sunday night, I sat next to a man from Malawi at a dinner party to learn more about his work with Opportunity International. (Which is a fantastic organization!) He asked that question: What is the definition of poverty? The common responses of his staff in Malawi and probably most people anywhere would be the lack of money or lack of ability to get the resources needed to survive. Webster dictionary defines it as "the state or condition of having little or no money, goods, or means of support." What this man said is that that is not the definition of poverty but rather the result of poverty. In reality, poverty is the lack of knowledge. If people had the knowledge of how to provide for themselves, then poverty can be eradicated.

I had never really thought of it that way. It was really quite interesting to me. And, actually, very encouraging. The ministry that I have the privilege of serving is about educating people and loving them. You want to restore people's dignity and worth as a person, as an image bearer of God. One of the things that I love about the work that I am involved with is that I have seen horrible results of poverty, people living in conditions that shock you to your core, but I feel hope because I know that lives are being transformed and people are coming out of poverty, lives are changing. The education of the children at our schools is impacting not only the children, but their parents, on others in the community. People are dreaming and hoping for a future that many never even knew existed. It's amazing.

I miss my dog

2009-04-08T12:16:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately I think my body lost its immunity to the wonderful array of pollen that infest the otherwise beautiful state of Georgia. When the season of blooming flowers began, I used to be able to innocently and naively enjoy them and feel slight empathy for my friends that were suffering from the onslaught of the tortuous pollen allergy. I move to Tanzania and somehow I have become susceptible to the enemy of pollen. ARGH! I should have timed my return better.

Needless to say, I am coughing, sneezing, sniffling and all that jazz. To make matters worse, it has developed into a sinus infection and breathing seems to be more of an effort. I even get to enjoy the delights of constant temperature changes in my own body. To all of you that have suffered with these allergies for years, I am so sorry for not caring enough about what you were going through. I was so insensitive!

What does pollen have to do with my dog? I am getting there. I wish that I was a tough, strong woman that laughed in the face of illness. I was a missionary, in Africa, with snakes, and spiders, and all sorts of other crazy things. I have seen and eaten things that scare away most. However, when it comes to being sick, I am a big baby. Tragic but true. So, now that I am back, I can enjoy the wonderful world of renting movies. So, I rented "Marley and Me". As I sat there watching the sweet story of the family and their dog, it made me miss my sweet Matty (short for Mathematics). Just to be clear, they thought that they had the world's worst dog, he is small potatoes, does not even hold a candle to my beloved Matty. And, then he was also epileptic. He had grand mal, cluster seizures. But, he was a world class snuggler. I don't think that he realized that he weighed forty pounds and was not actually a lap dog, but I didn't mind. Whenever I was sick or down, Matty would snuggle. He was a sweet dog.

Taking a dog to Tanzania is not practical, so I had to find a home for my dog. That process was hard since most people did not and really could not take on the responsibility of caring for a dog with epilepsy. In the eleventh hour, (typical God style) an amazing family agreed to take him. There is so much to that story that showed me God was good and faithful. They were the perfect family for Matty and loved him so much.

Even though they gave him lots of quality time (his love language) and took great care of him, the seizures increased in intensity and frequency. Matty had a hard time when I went away for the weekend, so the change proved to be too much for him. That sweet family gave so much of themselves to care for him and I felt so helpless thousands of miles away. Eventually, the vet felt that it would be best to put him down. This was about five months after I arrived in Tanzania. When I felt God calling me to be a missionary, I didn't really understand all that was involved. God is good. He loves me. He is sovereign. He knew when he called me to Tanzania, that Matty would end up being put down. Sometimes it seems silly to be so sad over a dog, but I can't help it. I loved my dog and I miss him.

Did I really just ask that?

2009-04-02T11:18:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have surreal moments? You know those moments where you are watching yourself and realize that life has changed more than you ever thought possible or you have changed or even you realize that your understanding of life is a whole lot different. My first couple of trips to Tanzania were filled with the smiles and laughter of children. That melody of the children's laughter has played over and over in my heart. What a sweet sound. So, you can imagine that the tears of those same children make my heart feel like it is being ripped into pieces. Furthermore, I feel very protective of those children and when someone causes them pain or to cry, I want to defend them and to make it stop.

One day, I was hanging out with some of the children as they were waiting to get a health screening. After finishing a meeting, I was just out in one of the villages catching up with the children. One of the boys that I do not often see came up to talk to me. This boy in particular can be elusive and I know has had a rough time. I had visited him several times with his sponsor and was hoping that his sponsor was there that day. The distance from Atlanta to Tanzania is hard to imagine for a child that has never been outside of his village. =) Since I knew how much his sponsor loved and prayed for him, I began asking questions to get more of an update.

I know that many of you are rather observant. Unfortunately, I do not have keen observational skills and do not always notice things. This was one of those rare moments where I actually saw pain in the eyes of a child, a child that is maybe 12 years old. As we began to talk, I realized that this precious child was hurting more than I could imagine. I knew that his mother had a drinking problem and that they lived in extreme poverty. In the past, there had been a problem of his mother selling the gifts that were given by the sponsor in order to purchase alcohol. I can't imagine how that sweet boy must have felt to see his mother take something that was given to him in order to purchase alcohol for herself. At what point, do you emotionally shut down, when you have experienced all that he has?

We talked for a while and then a little light when on in my head. His mother has no money and no real way to get money other than a small garden that he takes care of. She drinks all the time. How does she get the money? So, I asked him if a lot of men came to visit his mom? You could see the devastation on his face as he replied yes. That little boy had to be in the house as his mother prostituted herself to get money for her alcohol and possibly even food. I am not sure even how to process all of that. On a practical note, that sweet boy is no longer living with his mother and is in a healthier living environment. Can you imagine what he has seen,what he has experienced? I am so thankful that God is a redeemer and a healer but those wounds seem so deep, almost too deep.

That was the surreal moment for me. I was sitting on the ground in the middle of nowhere Africa, covered in dirt from playing with children earlier, having a conversation with a child in another language asking if his mother was prostituting herself. When I felt God calling me to Tanzania, I had no idea what I was getting involved in. Life is so much messier than I realized.

Upside Down

2009-03-31T08:41:00.000-07:00

So, we know that God is in control and that as God, He probably knows what He is doing. He has seen the future. He might be aware of a few more things than me and has at least a little more wisdom than me. Just a little though. =) But, still I question him. I wonder what He is up to. I wonder if He has really thought through everything and has considered everything. I try to give him advice. When will I ever learn? I am so thankful that He is so patient and gracious with me. Can you believe the arrogance of trying to tell God what He should do for me? After everything that I have been through, you would think that by now I would just simply trust Him. I am guessing that until I get to heaven, I am going to be a mess.

As some of you know, I am back in the states again. I returned to Tanzania in mid January and had a whirlwind of activity. Great stuff that God did, amazing stuff really. And, as I was climbing Mt. Meru at about 11,500 feet, I received a phone call. Can't believe that there are hardly any paved roads in Tanzania but I can get cell phone coverage on the side of a mountain at that high of an elevation. My mother had called to tell me that my beloved grandmother had passed away. I felt like I had been physically hit, like someone had sucker punched me. It still does not seem real. I returned home to go to her funeral.

After a lot of prayer, I decided to stay here for now. I am still praying about the future and the next step. I will be updating more.

There were lots of interesting, crazy, amazing, and heartbreaking stories that I never had the chance to write about, so I will be writing more of those stories even though they are from a while ago. So keep on looking....

What a day!

2009-02-11T11:10:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have one of those days that is just plain fun? You know one of those days where you laugh a lot and just really enjoy all that is happening. Monday was one of those days. We are in the midst of a week long training for the head teachers from each of our projects. We brought an expert in from the states who is absolutely fabulous! The training time has been unbelievable, definitely very powerful and impactful. However, my favorite part was when we took them flying.

Because we are traveling to a different village each day, we do not have the time to spend 6 hours in the car one way with five villages to travel to. Granted, we had time to travel six hours round trip on rough roads but not six hours one way. So, we needed to fly to that village. When the teachers arrived on Sunday night, the upcoming flight was the center of the conversations. Everyone wanted to know who had flown before. They were so giddy, like the night before Christmas. One of them even said that she didn't think she could sleep.

I took a TON of pictures. Flying on a big plane, but flying on a small Cessna that lands on a dirt road/field sort of air strip thing is a pretty exciting way to have your first flight. So many fun times. One of them said, she thought this was the beginning of a new life for her.

I had attempted to explain our phrase of butterflies in the stomach. During the flight, one of the headteachers commented that he thought he understood about those butterflies but that his were quite big and flying around a lot.

It was SO much fun!

Once a troublemaker, always a troublemaker

2009-01-29T04:27:00.002-08:00

For those of you that know me, I am sure it comes as a complete shock that I was ever a trouble maker. I am so clearly a person that goes with the flow and always does what she is told. This would be one of those moments where my mother would be screaming for everyone to get out of dodge because lightning is about to strike and where my dad would be doubled over with laughter. They know the real story. I have been trouble since the day I was born, always causing mischief. As I have gotten older, I have learned to disguise it better, or at least I think I have.

I am an adult now, and am supposed to be mature and responsible, but not really sure that I have achieved that just yet. Unfortunately, I tend to have a lot of fun getting into trouble. Somehow, even when I am not trying, I seem to get into trouble. I am pretty sure it is a hereditary disease, so technically not my fault. =) I blame my dad completely.

So, there we were in one of the villages, WAY out in the bush. There are some frequent visitors from one of our partnering church in the states that have come to observe and serve at the school. One of the classes we visited was the kindergarten. We actually have two levels, K1 and K2. Since some of the teachers were in training for a couple of days, both classes were together, making a class of sixty 5 and 6 year old, incorrigible students. Also, the classrooms that were due to be finished before the beginning of the year are still not done. Hence, all of the students are jumbled together in the dining hall. Bottom line, the situation was already a little chaotic before I even got there.

It started fine, with no trouble in sight. I was responsible and adult like. After introducing our visitors and singing a few songs with the class, I went over the the side of the room to sit down to allow one of the women to lead the children in some songs and talk with them a little. During the down time in between songs, I began a simple, innocent, little game of "peek-a-boo". As many of you know, the giggles and squeals of delight of children are slightly addictive. If you don't know about this, tickle a child and see their laughter and then you are hooked forever. I think the disease might intensify slightly here in Tanzania. So, needless to say, I continued with the game for a while, expanding on the ways in which to hide and the silly faces that I would show. The more laughter I got, the crazier the actions and the faces. (Like I said, total addict).

Also, I tend to get caught up in my own little world at times and not realize what is going on around me. So, suddenly, I realized that the few students that I began playing with had quickly grown in the whole class of sixty. Every eye was on me, including the eyes of the teachers and our visitors. Oops! It seems that once again, I had gotten a tiny bit carried away. I had distracted two whole classes of students from the task at hand. Once a trouble maker, always a trouble maker. But I couldn't help myself, those kids are just way too cute!!!! If you don't believe me, you should come here and see for yourself. Actually, even if you do believe, you should still come and see for yourself. =)

I LOVE Africa

2009-01-23T03:03:00.000-08:00

The other day I was at a friend's home sitting outside looking out at the vast African savannah with beautiful acacia trees (the trees with a flat top) and gorgeous Mt. Meru as the background and I couldn't help but think that I could live here for the rest of my life. Tanzania is unbelievably gorgeous and I love the people. Some of the things that drive me crazy are what I love most (not all of them). My feet are never clean; I never know what to expect when I get in my car, where will I be rerouted, will I be run over by the military, will I be cut off by a daladala, etc. Life here is never boring. However, I have to say that there have been times that I have not necessarily wanted to sing for joy, definitely rough times.

Recently, I have started to think that adapting to a new culture is a bit like a marriage. Granted, I have never been married so I could be making all of this up; this is based on the rumors I have heard over the years. In the eloquent words of one of my Tanzanian friends, "Marriage is not always Alleluia." But, let me explain. When people come over for two weeks(me included), they get completely enamored and starry eyed with Africa. The dust, dirt, slow pace, everything is wonderful and different. None of the things that happen are really a problem, it is just part of Africa's charm. You fall in love with Africa. Then, you move here. (For me, I knew God called me in addition to the charm of Africa). When you get here (which I think is a bit like marrying or a bit time commitment), you still love it. You think of life in Africa with big, dreamy eyes, you are in the honeymoon stage. But, as I have heard with marriages, the honeymoon ends. Those quirks that were adorable are now annoying and make you want to scream. Same thing goes for the culture. When you just visit, the slow pace is no problem, but when you need to actually accomplish work with deadlines and finances and overseas partners, the romance of the slow pace vanishes pretty quickly. Many of my friends have told me that after the honeymoon period they have looked at their spouse and thought, "who is this person?"; "who did I marry?" "was I out of my mind?". I can relate to all of those feelings. I have definitely had thoughts of what nutso moves to Africa, this is not what I expected, this is not what I thought, what happened!

Now, I might be wrong but once again, the word on the street is that marriage is not easy and you have to work at it. You have to be willing to put in the time and really make an effort. Same is true here. I have to work at understanding the culture and trying to compromise and adapt. Learning the language has been rough. It takes work. But, then as you go deeper in your marriage, you realize that you love that person more than you ever though possible and it is a lot deeper than the initial infatuation, more substantial, longer lasting. Still work, but so worth it. That is where I am at now. It still takes work. I still get frustrated at times, but I love Tanzania. It is such a sweet and wonderful blessing to have the opportunity to be here. I am so thankful.

Murphy's Law, Raffles, and Me

2009-01-19T01:01:00.000-08:00

I know that many of you out there live a somewhat charmed life, if you do not then we should hang out. Murphy's law could probably be changed to Meagan's law. Part of the problem is that I am a total klutz. I used to blame this on the fact that I grew too fast and it took a while for my coordination to catch up. However, at thirty two, I might not be able to use that excuse anymore. To top all that off, I am not the most observant. I miss things that are right in front of me. I can be forgetful as well. Bottom line, I probably bring some of the Murphy's law on myself.

Don't you just love hanging out with those people that things always work out for? You know those people that just happened to get bumped up to first class or get a free car because of some weird glitch in the system? My uncle is one of those people. Plus, he can talk his way into or out of (depending on the situation) anything. I have no idea how he does it, but he does. Last time I traveled with him, I got to go through the first class line, not sure how but he did it.

All of this is why, I know for a fact when crazy things happen, God was in the middle of it all. So, I think you all know a whole bunch of my stuff got stolen. But, what you might not know is that crazy, unbelievable, amazing friends of mine decided to do a raffle to help raise the money to cover the cost of what was stolen. Who does that? Who puts in that kind of work for others? Not only did it help raise money for my stuff but also towards at least half of the unplanned trip back to the states which was a bit expensive. Insane, overwhelming! I am not done. On a whim, I decided to enter a raffle a couple of months ago while at a Christmas fair. I did not even know what the prizes were. (That is the whole not aware thing) =) Being able to exercise is very important to me, especially with the traveling I do and the stress, etc. (Plus, I am hoping to climb Kilimanjaro). However, going for a run is not so easy. Sometimes I just simply gawked at, other times I am run off the road, and the others guys decide that they want to run with me and convince me to marry them. All in all, not the best experience. I know that this seems like a little thing, but it has been a big deal for me. There are two gyms in town, but they are WAY out of my price range. So, I thought all hope was lost. But, let's not forget who our God is and of course his crazy method of showing His love for me, raffles. =) That's right, while I was back in the states, they had the drawing for the raffle and I won a year's membership at one of the gyms. Can you believe it?! Insane! Isn't God good?

I can't wait to see what is next. Please remind of all of this when I doubt God's goodness and faithfulness.

It's going to be okay

2009-01-16T02:31:00.000-08:00

I am back home in Tanzania! Yeah! It feels so good to be back here again. Lots of weird mixed emotions all that same time. Now that I am here, I never want to leave again. I just want to stay. However, I loved being back home in the states with my friends and family and didn't want to leave there. Bottom line, I think I am much better at staying than I am at leaving. Aren't we all though?

Since the robbery, God has been doing a lot of healing in my heart and growing me in a lot of ways. Two nights before I left, I had my first nightmare from the robbery. God has been so gracious that I have not had any before and have not felt any anxiousness about returning. The reality is that I could get robbed again and it could be worse. I will do what I can to prevent things and be safe but there is never any guarantee. There are too many things that I can't control. But, that is okay. I think through all of this and other things as well, I have learned that I am going to be okay. That doesn't mean that I won't get hurt physically or emotionally. It doesn't mean that everything will always work out perfectly. I know that. But, God will always be there. He will get me through whatever comes my way. Life will be hard at times but God is who He says He is and I will be okay.

In my nightmare, I was back here with my roommate Julia. It was late at night and I was sleeping but awake. We heard a tapping on the window and were not sure who it was and if we should answer the door. Some of the details are a little hazy, but I am pretty sure she was on the phone. Suddenly, we realized that the men who robbed us were back. It was them tapping on the window. They were trying to get in the house. In my dream, my body was asleep but my mind was awake and I kept on telling my body to wake up. I couldn't move my body, but I knew we needed to call for help. I had an overwhelming sense of helplessness. Eventually, I woke up from my nightmare.

As I laid in bed, I just prayed. That was all I could do. And, then I started praying for others. I don't know what life holds for me, but I know that God uses all things for good and for His glory. There is such a peace that comes from that and I am so thankful. I know that no matter what, I will be okay.

You know you're NOT in Africa if.....

2009-01-02T14:46:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, there have been many moments during my time in Tanzania where I have had to laugh because it is just one of those "only in Africa" moments. Things like seeing a man ride his bike with a cow head on the back or two dozen chickens in a cart on the side of the road. However, as I am enjoying my time here in the states, I can't help but have moments that remind me, I am not in Africa. Since I have attempted a little humor before, I thought I would try again. So here goes.....

You know you're not in Africa if every child you see does not scream with delight and wave enthusiastically whenever you walk by.

You know you're not in Africa if the only sign of wild life is the crazy drivers on I285 during rush hour.

You know you're not in Africa if every road is a smooth road. (I will never take those for granted again).

You know you're not in Africa if you have to precise with your scheduling of visits with friends and can't just stop by tea that lasts all day.

You know you're not in Africa if there is no dancing at church and people stare at you funny if you raise your hands to worship.

You know you're not in Africa if people just flippantly use ziploc bags like they are cheap and easy to get. (Yet one more thing that I will not take for granted again.)

You know you're not in Africa if you have eaten rice today. =) (If you have don't worry, it does not mean that you are going to magically transported there.)

You know you're not in Africa if you blink and you miss the sunset instead of getting to watch unbelievably beauty last for seemingly forever.

You know you're not in Africa if you can go to one place to do all of your grocery shopping.

There are so many other things that show the distinct difference in the way of life. My time in Tanzania has made me appreciate so many things more here in the states. However, it has also showed how much we miss out on.

Home for the Holidays

2008-12-15T02:48:00.000-08:00

To say that it is good to be home for the holidays, is a gross understatement. There is nothing like mom's home cooked food and playing games with my dad. Getting to sit by the fire and drink hot cocoa is one of my absolute favorite things in the world. I am very happy to be home. However, the weird thing is that this does not completely feel like home anymore. I just don't think that you get to go to Tanzania and come back the same. Seeing children want nothing more than to hold your hand and giggle with delight is such a treasure. It is unbelievable to be a part of something bigger than yourself; it puts things in perspective. I have been so blessed to have the opportunity to go to Africa. God is changing lives (mostly mine, probably). God is a God of hope and purpose and peace and love. When you have nothing else, you see it much more clearly. I have learned so much from my African brothers and sisters. I love them. I miss them.

As I process through the robbery and everything, God is so gracious and good. I know that everything is going to be okay. I know that I am going to get through all of this. My faith in God is stronger now because of all of this. How could it not be after all that I have seen. God really is who He claims to be. God's tender mercy and love are real, it is not just some fairy tale that we tell to make ourselves feel better. I am so happy to be at home with my friends and family but I am happy that I will be going back to Tanzania to be with my other friends and family again as well.

Back in the Saddle again

2008-12-03T05:24:00.000-08:00

I have learned that life goes on, and that it is important to take things one day at a time. I have continued to be amazed at the overwhelming amount of people that are praying for me. The first week after the robbery, I was scheduled to teach at the teachers college and help teach at a seminar for one of the schools with around 45 teachers. One day, I was sharing about how to treat and teach children differently in the light of the fact that they are created by God. We talked about how being a Christian affects how we teach the material and how we relate and care for the children. It was an exciting time with them. Of course, the poor teachers had to listen to most of the examples be about math. I still don't really understand why everyone does not love math. There is nothing like a really challenging math problem and getting right. What a feeling of accomplishment, yeah, I did it! Furthermore, our understanding of math helps to see more of God's character. Before you call a mental health professional for me, let me explain! I am a total math nerd, but it really is unbelievable. The more we understand about infinity and that we can never stop counting, the more we can start to have a glimpse of who God is. He is infinite, never ending. We cannot imagine how big God is. He can hold the entire universe in the palm of His hand. Then, think of the infinitesimal, things that are microscopic that cannot be seen with the naked eye. God is a God of precision and accuracy. He created order and the laws of the universe. God knows the hairs on our head. Nothing is too small for Him because He is a tender and loving God. Isn't that amazing! I would keep on going but I fear that I might put many of you to sleep. =)

The point is that I love the opportunity to open up children's minds to who God is and help create a love for learning. We need to teach in such a way that we feed their curiousity, and their awe and wonder. There is nothing like seeing a child's face light up with excitement as he learns something new that blows him away. So, part of our responsibility is to help train the teachers in how to do it and even teach them importance of doing it. I really enjoyed my time at the seminar. Also, it has been good to be back at the teachers college again. I love the teachers there so much and thrilled with how much they have grown since I first met them. It will be wonderful when they start at our schools this January.

Even though there have been so many great moments, there have been hard moments as well. I find that I am not able to handle as much. I feel less motivated. I have a desire to withdraw at times. I have extreme reactions to things that do not usually affect me. I feel all over the place emotionally. I know this is normal and I need time so I am just trying to hang on. I have decided to go home for the holidays, and I can hardly wait I am so excited. However, just making that decision was incredibly difficult. I am usually a quick decision maker that is not afraid to take risks. For the time being, that is gone. I think it is going to take a while to get back to normal.

Looking Back

2008-11-25T20:03:00.001-08:00

As the days pass, I look back more and more on what happened and I am just in awe of God's goodness and love. The Bible has come alive in ways that I never imagined. Verses like Isaiah 54:17 that says,"No weapon formed against you shall prosper." And, so many of the psalms, like Psalm 91: 2, " This I declare of the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place for safety; he is my God, and I am trusting Him." My time with Lord has been so rich and I am thankful for the peace in the midst of everything that He has given me.

One of my love languages is physical touch. So, whenever I feel overwhelmed with emotions, all I need is someone to put their hand on my shoulder or my back and I feel calm and peace and like I could get through whatever I am going through. Throughout the whole time that we were being robbed, I felt God's hand on my back, keeping me calm helping me get through the ordeal.

However, what is even more amazing to me, is that I think that God was preparing me for what was going to happen. As I think many of you know, I was robbed back in August at knife point while going for a run down in Dar es Salaam. Even though I never felt my life was in danger, I have had some issues since that time. Whenever I walking by myself, I tense up. I start thinking about what I will do if I get attacked again. I knew that I needed to change my thinking and not assume that every man that I passed was going to attack me. Recently, I had decided to hike Mt. Kilimanjaro over Christmas. In order to train, I have been going for long walk/runs near the house where we were staying. The area I would go to was perfect for training with lots of hills and around a nice lake. I decided that I was not going to live in fear and made a point to greet people first and assume the best but be prepared for the worst. I realized that it was possible that I would be robbed again, but I would be okay. I thought through I would react and what I could do.

Last Wednesday, I heard from some long term missionaries here that several years ago, the area around the lake was known for its robberies, and I should check things out to see if things had improved. I did ask around and heard that security had improved significantly and that there had not been an attack in a long time. Nonetheless, I was a little scared before I went for my run on Thursday morning. However, I did not want to live my whole life locked up in my house. I want to be wise and not put myself in danger. I was assured that I was not in any danger, so I felt like there was nothing unwise about going for the run. Still, this made me continue to process what I would do and how to stay calm and how to treat someone if he attacked me.

Friday morning, as I shared earlier, I led the devotions and told the story of the Nepal missionary who was attacked. Because I had shared this story, I talked with one of my co-workers for a while afterwards about God's love and how He is always at work. I, often, watch the DVD of the concert of Les Miserables, my favorite broadway show. I was telling my co-worker about the time when Jean Valjean steals from the priest. After he was arrested, the priest said he gave those items to him and even gave him more. Once the police had left and Jean Valjean was free, the priest tells him to use those things to start an honest life. Even thinking about that, I feel prepared me. It helped me to process that things are replaceable, but that might be our only chance to love that person. Friday night, I was not in a place to do that but I do think it helped. As silly as that sounds, I think God used Les Mis to help prepare me. God will use just about anything. =)

Furthermore, as I was sitting reading the book Friday night, I realized that we weren't safe. We had not been staying in that house for long so I had not really thought about the safety myself but taken it for granted because we knew the people that had lived there. In our previous house, I knew that we were as safe as we could be. Obviously, we could never be completely safe but a lot of things had been put in place. As I sat there, I realized that there was nothing to prevent anyone from coming in before we went to bed and the land around the house was very easy to break into.

About two hours later, the men came into our house. I think because God was preparing me, I wasn't overcome with shock. I felt the Lord's hand on my back and felt peace. The first man said he was going to kill me, and I thought okay, how do I prevent this? My mission became to keep the situation calm, give them what they want, and help us to make it out of that situation alive.

There is no explanation other than God for why we are still alive. We saw their faces. They were professionals.

After they left, my body started trembling all over and continued for a long time. These past few days, I have cried a lot and fallen apart. But, I know, that God was at work while they were there and in preparing me for what was going to take place. So, I am even more in awe of God's goodness and sovereignty. He is not the author of evil but He knew what was going to happen. He prepared me and was ever present with us during the whole incident and protected us.

The Details

2008-11-23T22:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I close my eyes and I see the men walking in again. I can picture everything so clearly. Sometimes I feel like I am dreaming. God has been so good and gracious during this time. I have felt his presence and his peace. The amount of prayers, love, and words of encouragement have been my legs to keep on going when I could not do it myself. I am so thankful.

In order to shed more light on what occurred, I thought I would share the details. I will try to summarize but sometimes I forget things and some of the small things seemed so big to me. First off, we had moved from our former home and were staying in the home of other missionaries while they were home in Australia for a few months. The view and area is absolutely beautiful but a little isolated.

This is my version of what happened. They divided us in the beginning.

As I was sitting and reading a book around 8:30 Friday night, I saw a group of men enter the house from the corner of my eye. At first, I was confused. I could not figure out why people would be entering our home. We had just settled down after an incident with one of the dog's who had got his paw caught. It was a beautiful, calm night and I had just finished a good book and was looking forward to starting another. Before I fully comprehended what was going on, Julia screamed. Nothing made sense to me. Then, one of the men came over to me and said, "I am going to kill you." Stunned, I just stared back at him. He became fiercer and more adamant that he was going to kill me. After seeing the look in his eyes, I believed him.

From that moment on, my purpose became calming the situation and doing whatever I could to keep them satisfied. My computer was next to me, so I offered it to him and said he did not need to kill us. We would give them whatever he wanted, not to worry. He demanded money. "No problem," I replied, "it is in my room, we can go together." He led me in there and I got out my money for him. He was angry that I did not have more American dollars, most of what I had was Shillings. He pulled me out into the hall where another man held Julia. He was being quite rough with her, holding a gun up to her and pulling her hair. The man that was holding Julia became angry as well because there was not a lot of American dollars. I think they were expecting to get a lot of cash, but we just did not have any. The first man that was with me, looked at me and threatened me again if I did not produce dollars. I said, "really, we do not have any more. That was all that we had. We have already given you everything." I explained that this was not our house, but that we were simply staying here while the couple was away in Australia. They asked where the husband was, so it seemed like they knew that a man lived there. When the man that held Julia saw my watch, he grabbed it and was yanking it off my wrist. I offered to help and give it to him. As they were holding us against the wall, the other men were in the other rooms searching through things, throwing them on the floor.

After a minute, they brought us into the master bedroom and became more insistent about the dollars. One of the men, came close to me and pointed the gun at me threatening to kill me. I said again, "that we had already given them everything." He seemed satisfied that I was telling the truth. They took more items from that bedroom and then eventually locked is in. We could hear them going through the rest of the house looking for more of our valuables. Later, we saw the evidence of the search from the items thrown everywhere.

We sat there for a while straining to hear if they had gone or not. Because the dogs were barking loudly, it was difficult to know for sure. We sat and waited, minds and emotions reeling. After a while, I ventured out the back door of the room that went out to the porch in order to get back in another door to unlock the bedroom door for Julia.

Once we looked around, we could not believe what had just happened. My whole body was trembling and I think I was just in shock. Now, we had to figure out what to do. We had no way to communicate with anyone. Julia's phone was stolen and providentially, I had left mine at the office. Our computers were stolen. We pondered the thought of just leaving with our car but were still a little fearful of people waiting for us. Plus, to leave would mean unlocking all the gates in the dark, which makes us nervous on a normal nigh. The workers for the house live next door, right outside the gate. So, we decided that we needed to get to them to get help. We knew we did not want to stay in the house that night. We wanted out. We realized how unsafe we really were, how little security was in place. However, to get to the workers meant going outside in the dark, not a very exciting prospect considering what had just happened. But, we knew we had to do it. So, I got a flashlight and made the first step outside. I was so scared, constantly looking around for any sign of them again. I kept on telling myself that they would have fled by now, not have waited around. Even though my arguments were reasonable, I still didn't quite believe them and was trembling. I made it the fence and called out several times hoping that one of the workers would here. After it became a apparent that they were not going to hear me, I moved towards the gate. I just stared at the gate and the key in my hands trying to decide if I really wanted to step outside. We were no safer inside the house, so I opened the gate and ran. When I arrived at their home, I explained what happened. Basic words in swahili seemed to escape me. Somehow, the message came across and they came over to help us.

All we really wanted was to leave, get in our car and go away. Every Tuesday, we had been staying the night at the house of a couple from our church that led our home group. They have been missionaries for twenty years and we knew would take care of us. First, the workers recommended that we go to the police to file a report. We did. They came and were very kind and helpful. But, were still anxious to go. After about an hour, we were finally able to go to the office to get my phone so that we could call. Gary came and got us and brought us home.

There is so much to be thankful for and we are amazed at God's protection. No one can believe that they did not wear masks, they allowed us to see their faces, and we were not killed. That is not how it works. God was there. We have cried a lot these past few days but God is comforting us and getting us through this. I have been amazed at all of the love I have received. I am going to be okay, it is just going to take some time.

God's protection

2008-11-22T02:42:00.000-08:00

One thing that I have learned is that I have no idea how much God is always doing on my behalf. God is always at work.

Yesterday morning I led the devotions with the staff at Imara. I shared a story that I read recently that had really impacted me. Even as I shared it with the others, I struggled to hold back the tears because of the amazement of God's goodness and care. The story is a wonderful illustration of God's sovereignty and providence and faithfulness and so much more. It is out of a book called "On Being a Missionary" by Thomas Hale.

I thought I would share a brief summary of that story. It is about a man that was a medical missionary in a rural area of Nepal. He would have to travel two days each way by bicycle to get to the town where he could get the needed medicine for his village. Since there were not any villages on the way, he would just sleep outside by a tree. On one trip going to get the medicine, he met a young man along the way. He began to build a relationship with that man and after leaving was looking forward to seeing him again. After several months, he came upon that man again and talked with him. The young man shared that he and several of his friends had planned to kill him and rob him on the way back from the trip when they first met. They knew his route and where he stayed.

So, he and his friends went to the spot where he was sleeping and were hiding in the bushes planning their attack. As they looked at the man, they saw 26 men with weapons standing around guarding him. They were shocked. Each of them counted individually and confirmed that there was 26, so they left. When the young man told the missionary the story, he could not believe it. He said that there were not any men guarding me. But the young man was emphatic that they all saw them.

While the missionary was back in the states visiting, he shared the story with his home church. One man stood up and asked about the approximate date and time of that occurrence. After hearing the details, the man said that day he was on his way to work and felt like the Lord was leading him to pray for the missionary. He returned home and called several others to pray as well. He asked all the men that prayed that day to stand up. And, sure enough it was 26 men.

That missionary had no idea what God was doing. He did not ask for that prayer, he did not pray it himself, but God knew. God was at work.

When I shared that story yesterday morning, I had no idea how real it would become for me only a short time later. As some as you may know, five men broke into our house with a gun and machete and threatened to kill us and stole a lot of our stuff, some things that are irreplaceable. But, when I looked into the eyes of the man that threatened to kill me, I knew that he was willing to do it. It was not an idle threat meant to scare us. They had a mission and if we got in the way, then they were willing to do what was necessary. Often, people get injured or killed during a break in. God protected us. We are not hurt. I know that God was at work in ways that I will never know. More than ever, I am overwhelmed with the number of people that pray for me and are standing with me in this. Thank you so much.

I will share more of the details later, but I wanted to let you all know that we are safe and staying in the home of friends and feeling the protection and love of God.

Look at me, Daddy

2008-11-20T03:57:00.000-08:00

My poor dad heard that phrase probably more times than most. I can remember being at the pool with my dad and wanting to show him all my new ways of jumping off the side of the pool. I seriously doubt there was as much creativity as I thought there was. I would walk up to the side of the pool, and scream look at me daddy, look at me and then whoosh off I went trying to jump as I high as I possibly could hopefully with a little bit of a twist mid air before I splashed into the water. As soon as I hit the water, I scrambled to the top with a giant grin on my face to see if my dad was watching. When he smiled back at me, I thought I could fly to the moon I was so excited. My whole body was tingling because my dad had seen me and given me his approval. I wanted that rush again, so I quickly swam to the side of the pool and started the process all over again. After 20 or so times, I think my dad's enthusiasm might have started to wane slightly. =) I can't imagine why. I am not sure what it is about children that want so much to have the affirmation and encouragement of others but it definitely transcends cultures, countries, and language.

Last week, I traveled to one of the villages to meet with the teachers and the pastor. I love the teachers. They are wonderful, amazing people that sacrifice so much and work so hard for the children. However, they do not come close to being as cute as those kids. So, I tend to take breaks during meetings to go play with the kids. Who wouldn't? Right?

While I was greeting the 1st grade class, I walked around and looked at their work. I asked how old they were, 5th grade, 6th grade, and they all just giggled. Who is the strange white woman who keeps coming back to our school! I asked about what they were learning and talked for a little while. Then, I walked over to one of the children and looked at his work and commented on how well he did. Actually, I might have just simply smiled and sayed that it was good. The student got that look, that all over tingle from the happiness of approval look. All of the students brought me their exercise books for their chance to have me look at their book and smile and say good job. They would all just look up at me mesmerized with these huge, ginormous smiles on their face like I had just given them a million dollars. They just wanted a little love and approval. Isn't neat to see how we are made by the same God and have the same desire for love ?

Yes, no, maybe so......

2008-11-12T00:32:00.000-08:00

For a little over a month now, I have been almost paralyzed when making decisions. For some reason, the simplest of things have become overwhelming for me to choose. When I was in language school at the beginning of October, I first noticed the problem. Zanzibar is supposed to be one of the most beautiful places in all Africa and a common vacation spot here in Tanzania. After a year and a half, I was finally planning on going the weekend after I finished language school. But, there was no peace. I couldn't figure out why there wouldn't be peace about going to a beautiful place to rest and have fun on the beach and in the ocean. So, I didn't go. A day or two after that decision, I was faced with simply deciding if I would leave language school on Friday night or Saturday morning. I walked back and forth to the transport office completely unable to decide. It seemed completely ridiculous to not be able to make such a simple decision. What was the big deal? I would make the decision and then start walking to the reception area to tell them my plans and then stop almost frozen completely unsure if I was making the right decision.

I was not sure what was happening, because this is definitely not like me. Usually, I am a very quick decision maker and a risk taker with no problems. Over this past month, I have struggled with other issues like this. A friend asked me if I wanted to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro with her over Christmas. It seemed like it would be perfect timing and something that I have wanted to do. Once again, I went back and forth and just never felt peace. Needless to say, when people ask me how long I will be staying here I have no way of answering. That answer is definitely way out there in no man's land.

Even though this seems like a simple issue that I should be able to just snap out of, it is not happening. I am not really sure why. As I pray and try to sort through it, a couple of things have come up. I think somewhere in my desire to adapt to the culture, I got a little lost. Plus, I have a very strong personality that can be difficult at times. I do not have the gentle, meek spirit that it talks about in the Bible. I have pretty much the opposite personality. I started thinking that I need to stop doing this because it is bothering that person, and hold back when I am in this situation, and be careful not to come across in the wrong way. I was constantly afraid that I was going to do something or say something to offend someone.

Yes, it is important to be culturally sensitive. Yes, it is important to allow God to mold us more into who He wants us to be. However, somewhere in the midst of all of that I started to think that my personality was a sin. I thought that there was something wrong with me. Why can't I be like other women who are kind, and gentle, and quiet, and supportive? Why do I always charge full steam ahead and think later? Sometimes being me is just plain exhausting! =) I was afraid to be me. I think that was the reason I was so paralyzed with decisions. I no longer trusted myself to make the right decision.

Now, I am trying to fight lies with truth. God created me just the way I am. God loves me just the way I am. My personality is not a sin it is a gift from God. Jesus was gentle in spirit and he overthrew tables, so it might look a little different than what I think. I am definitely still in process dealing with all of this but starting to feel hope and freedom. I have a long way to go, but I am so thankful that God is gracious and caring and is never going to give up on me. He will be there with me through it all.

My Special Talent

2008-11-04T05:14:00.000-08:00

Don't you just love talented people? I am always amazed at people's skills and talents. Isn't unbelievable to sit and listen to someone play the piano in ways that just move you, or sing so beautifully that you cry? Talent looks so different. One of my friends special skills is teaching in a way that captures students' interests and makes them see that they are capable of more than they realized. Everyone seems to have a talent of their own. My special talent seems to be putting my foot in my mouth. I am amazing at it. Everyone can see that is about to happen, even me, but yet I seem powerless to stop it. I try to think before I speak but I think the connector between my brain and jaw short circuited years ago! You would think that my foot is made of chocolate with amount of times that I have had to eat it.

One of the favorite things that I have done in the past is to explain something to someone who turns out to be an expert. You know when you might have read an article in a magazine about something and now think you know a lot and then explain it to someone else. That person is usually very gracious and listens attentively. However, later you friend pulls you aside and tells you that the person you were just talking to was the creator, or the foremost expert, or something else ridiculous like that. My life is so full of the ridiculous. And, unfortunately, I never learn!

But, it gets worse. I do the same thing with God. I try to tell Him how to do things, how I think things should be done, what I think is best. I question Him, get angry at Him. And, as embarassing as it is to say, I even throw little tantrums trying to get my way with God. Imagine a 2 year old who wants to play with a toy that is his brother's. He rolls over on his stomach and bangs his fist crying and screaming NO! You have just witnessed my reaction to God most of the time. I don't know why I don't just trust Him. Why do I want things my own way? Why do I think I know more than God? Where does this arrogance come from?

And, God does not give me the whooping that my backside deserves. He picks me up and holds me and waits for me to finish my tantrum and then gently comforts me. Every time, He is right. Every time, He is good. Every time, He is loving and gracious.

I am not sure that I will ever change. Hopefully, with age and maturity, the amount of times I stick my foot in my mouth will decrease. The amazing part is that God knows it all. He knows how much of a mess I really am and still loves me!

Never a Dull Moment

2008-10-29T10:15:00.000-07:00

Are you bored with life? Are you tired of the same old dull routine? Ready for a change? Ready to do things that you never thought you would or actually could and in some cases would even want to? Exhausted with watching the stock exchange go up and down and up and down. Move to Africa, or at least swing by for a bit. I can promise that life will never be the same again.

Life here is never boring. Today was full of little suprises that kept me on my toes. I'll share just two. As we were driving along in one of the villages, the car began to overheat. We were in the pastor's car that unfortunately does not have a hand break and needed to stop on a slight incline. The head teacher was a bit afraid of the steam and pressure under the hood, so the pastor needed to get out and help. Suddenly, the car began to roll backwards. I had to leap over the seat and sprawl out to reach the break with my hands and hold it there until someone came to help. However, both the head teacher and I were laughing so hard it is a wonder that we did not crash into a house.

Upon returning to the office, I found that the mechanic had fixed the problem in our car, basically a smell that was just plain awful. Since we had chased the rats out of the house and killed several of their friends, they decided to attach our car. One of them had crawled up into our car and die just to spite us. Our dashboard had to be removed in order to get the poor little guy out.

But, alas, I am now home safe and sound enjoying the fact that my battery lasts a long time since the power just went out and thrilled to feel clean after spending a LONG time scrubbing my feet.

Trust me, you do not want to miss out on life here! Sell your stocks, cash in your IRAs and come on over. :)

Chariots of Fire, Goats, and Maize

2008-10-27T10:38:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, I had one of those sweet God moments that come out of nowhere, when you least expect it. Isn't amazing how you can be doing something seemingly insignificant and feel the pleasure of God. Another one of my favorite movies is "Chariots of Fire." Eric Liddle, an Olympic runner and missionary, does not run to earn God's love or to earn the respect of others. He runs simply because when he does, he feels God's pleasure. Those feelings are such a blessing, to have times where we feel the tender love of our God.

So, this past weekend, there I was traveling in my "chariot," a very old Toyota Hilux that might have had shocks at one point, but those are long gone. We were traveling to visit the homes of some of the widows from the ministry. I was sitting on a giant bag of maize, holding on, desperately hoping that the goats would not pee on me or do even worse. =) I made it unscathed but unfortunately my friend did not. While traveling to their homes through an area with lots of open fields and farms with Mt. Kilimanjaro ahead of me and Mt. Meru behind me, a nice breeze blew and the sun warmed us. Perfect weather. The head teacher and I sat in the back together talking and sharing about the ministry and life. Lots of children ran out to get a chance to see the strange mzungu riding on the back of the truck through bushes way off the "main" road. That was my moment. It had been such a good day of spending time with children, teachers, the team, and others. And, here I was in the middle of nowhere with the opportunity to spend more time with these unbelievable women in their homes. Riding on the back of the truck, I felt the pleasure of God. It was good. I will never compete in the Olympics, never be a hero, never win a medal, but God has still given me so many moments and opportunities to simply be and enjoy His pleasure. Isn't that great....

You mess with me, you mess with my WHOLE family

2008-10-24T00:28:00.000-07:00

Doesn't it feel good when you know you have people in your corner? People that will be there for you when times are tough, and when you need people to back you up, to fight for you. Isn't there something so comforting when people have your back and know that they will defend you and help you?

Today was kind of a crazy day. One of those days where you just can't believe things are happening the way they are. You start your day with one plan and that is not quite the way things work out. We are in the process of moving out of our old home and into someone else's place while they are back in Australia. Needless to say, it has been a long process. When my roommate went back to the house to get something today, she was forbidden from entering. Even though some of our most valuable items were still in the house, we were not allowed to take them. After calling our landlord, she discovered that indeed tell the guard to not allow us in for various reasons. I think in retrospect some of them were cultural misunderstandings some were just insane.

Considering some of the issues, we decided to not go back alone but ask someone from our office to go. After he heard our situation, he was more than willing to help us. One person quickly grew to four. Our first friend had told others and they were all upset that were being treated poorly. We actually only took four because that was all the room there was in the car. Others wanted to come as well. As we were driving, they were all joking about who was the strongest and who would take who. When we arrived, we went to go and talk to our landlord with all of them standing behind me ready to jump in at a moments notice.

Once we were finally allowed into the house, the landlord began to explain some things. All of them came to our defense and were explaining things. They were not going to allow us to be treated poorly. Even though I felt hurt because of the situation, I felt encouraged because of my "brothers". I don't think I really expected to ever find that here, or that people really felt that way about us. I was so grateful.

Now that all that happened, it made me realize how much God has blessed me with people like that in my life. Over the past year and half while here, there have been countless people that have gone to bat for me, that have fought for me when I couldn't fight for myself; people that are in my corner. People have constantly prayed, encouraged, worked on my behalf, and done so much more.

Even though the day did not turn out at all like I expected, it has been a day where I have been overwhelmed by seeing the hand of God in my life at all times. It has been a day where I have been able to see so much of what God is doing. I am so thankful for all the people that God has put in my life. I have done nothing to deserve any of it. Isn't God good!

Overwhelmed

2008-10-07T07:16:00.000-07:00

To say that I am overwhelmed seems like a gross understatement. I am not sure where to start and I feel all over the place. I am in language school right now for a two week course. I have learned so much and feel like I am making a lot of progress which is a huge blessing. Even though I feel like I had already learned a lot, I felt like I was stuck and could not get to the next level of communication. The course here has been wonderful. On top of the language learning, I am surrounded by people that are also involved in community development. I feel like I have arrived to the promise land. In addition, the college is a college for development and there is a plethora of resources. I feel like I just want to stay and read and learn and discuss and process through all the issues that we are dealing with. But, the more I learn, the more I feel like we are far away from where we want to be and the more I realize how much work it will take to get there.

At times, I feel afraid that it is impossible, too much has already happened.I feel completely incapable. I have never been more sure that I am not able to do the work in front me. I forget that God is sovereign. I forget that even though all of this is new to me, it is not new to God. He knows the best way to create sustainable development. He knows the best way to empower the poor and encourage them. He knows the way to help a community be transformed. I forget that many people have been praying before they began the work we are involved with. They sought God's wisdom and guidance. And, even though it might not look like the best way in the eyes of the world, God is working. He is accomplishing His perfect will. Also, it might just not be about me and what I can do, but about God. The fact that I cannot do it ensures that it is clear that it is God doing the work and not me. It is Him that deserves the glory. Although I like to pretend that I don't need God, it might be that He is trying to teach me to depend on Him. I try to do things on my own, in my own strength. I am not sure how to depend on God when making decisions. What does it look like to love God with all your soul, mind, and strength when trying to figure out village government and the best way forward? How do I rest in God when the amount of work seems neverending? How do I enjoy Him when the need of others seems overwhelming?

A priest, rabbi, and a missionary walk into a bar

2008-09-30T07:41:00.001-07:00

.... Okay, not really, but I do have a funny joke that I thought I would share. Please keep in mind that this is not an original. But, I think very eloquently captures the essence of daily life here in Tanzania.

Before we begin, some information to help understand. Daladalas are minibuses that dominate the roads here in Tanzana. Even though they have small seats for about twelve people, itis quite common to see at least 20, if not a whole lot more crammed into the tiny space that the daladala provides. When getting on, you just kind of push your way through. Seeing people hanging outside because it is so full is even common. Daladala drivers race to get to the next stop to get the anxious passengers. Once, when I was about to get on a daladala, the conductor fought with another conductor because he thought that he had stolen me for his daladala. Even when you do not have the pleasure of enjoying a ride in the daladala, you get to interact with them as they weave in and out of traffic. They are on a mission to get to the next stop and nothing will get in their way. They cut you off, knock mirrors of the side of your car, cut each other off, and just in general do whatever they want.

Okay, hopefully that is clear and will help make the joke as funny as possible. Ready! Don't forget, fake laughter and polite chuckles work on me.

One day a priest dies and goes up to heaven. He is forced to wait at the pearly gates while St. Peter reviews his record. Since it is taking quite a long time, the priest feels impatient and slightly indignant. He was a priest. He gave his life for God and sacrficed a lot. It just does not make sense. The priest mentions all of this to St. Peter who simply shrugs his shoulder and asks for a little more time.

As the priest is waiting, a daladala driver arrives. Much to his dismay and shock, the daladala driver is able to enter right away without any problems. After the priest picks his jaw up off the ground, he goes up to St. Peter. At first, he is only to point and stammer because of the shock. St. Peter looks at the priest with patience while he pulls himself together. The priest is confused. He says, "I am a priest. He is a daladala driver. Do you know daladala drivers? Do you know all the crazy things they do and the insane ways they driver?" Peter looks at his record and seems to have found the explanation for what has gone on. He replies, "Well, here is the situation. It has to do with your work. Whenever you did your work, the people slept. Whenever he did his work, the people prayed."

Get it! Ha ha! knee slapper! =)

With a sense of humor like mine, I will completely understand if you decided to never read my blog again and go on to find one with real humor at least substance. =)

I did it

2008-09-26T04:03:00.000-07:00

So, I did it. I made the first step. Isn't amazing how little things can make a huge difference? The first thing I did was go to a local bookstore to find children's story books in Swahili. What I didn't realize is how hard of a task that would be, most of the books are in English. (If even of you out there like to write children's books, there is a great market for you here in Tanzania!) I managed to find a couple. The next stop is a local ministry called Mkombozi or Redeemer. For several years, this ministry has worked with street children. I decided to stop by and find out about their ministry, what they do, and get recommendations for how best to respond. In just a short amount of time, I learned so much and got some practical tips. Plus, I was able to tell them about two little boys that I know that are living on the streets that they will follow up with. Because they seemed to know a lot about the Arusha situation, I asked if they knew of anyone that works with adults that are on the streets. Even though they did not know of anyone right away, they said they would look into it and get back to me.

From all of that, one of the biggest changes is how I feel. I feel less intimidated and useless. I am more ready to engage the people that I see. I so often feel like I am in the middle of something and I have some place to go when I see people on the street begging, so I do not stop to engage them in conversation and get to know them. Selfish! Now, instead of avoiding places I want to go to them to start building relationships. I am not sure what I can do, but I know I can love them.

To finish the day yesterday, I decided to go out of my gate and interact with some of the children. Typically, when we pull in, there are several children hanging around that beg for money, candy, or a gift. Since I don't want to encourage begging, I typically ignore them and go inside my big gate. Today, I came out of my big gate. Once I got outside my gate, I looked around but did not see any children. So, I just went to the pile of concrete blocks to sit and wait. Less than a minute later a group of girls came running because they saw the mzungu. Sure enough, the first words out of their mouths were give us candy, give us money. I said that I brought a book. They stared at me strangely but then shrugged their shoulders and said okay, we will take the book. I smiled and said, I did not come to give them the book but to read with them. They seemed a bit shocked. I am not sure, but the look on their face seemed to say, you are one crazy white lady. So, we sat down and started to read. I fumbled through the swahili which got lots of laughs. Eventually, the older two girls sat next to me and helped me read. Throughout the story, we laughed at the silliness of the story.

After we finished reading the story, we sat and visited some more. Honestly, some times I feel akward. I don't know what to say or what to do which I think is why sometimes I avoid situations. A couple of little boys came up and joined us and wanted to know what we were doing. At first, they both were very shy but eventually relaxed. Since we were in a concrete yard, naturally a contest to see who could the rocks the furtherst quickly ensued. The children were doubled over with laughter when they would see me stretch, warm up, wind up, and look fierce and then throw the rock two feet or drop behind me. Absolutely hilarious. We just had fun together hanging out.

Now, I am looking forward to going home in the hopes of seeing the kids again and playing!

A way forward

2008-09-24T22:44:00.000-07:00

Seeing the depth of your sin, is never easy but it is good because then things can be dealt with. Of course, ultimately, Christ is my savior and even if I am still a complete and total mess until the end of my days, I am going to heaven and He can finish the job up there. =) Let's be honest, the chances are pretty good that I will still be a mess. However, I need to learn to deal with some things better and find a way forward.

The past couple of weeks I have felt incredibly tired all the time and very emotional. I have not felt like myself. I checked on the internet and I don't think that there is an amoeba or parasite that causes people to be more emotional, oh well. While I was at the home of a long term missionary couple, I shared how I was feeling. The immediate response by the wife was it sounds like culture shock. Never in a million years would I have thought that it had anything to do with culture shock. I have lived for over a year now. I have dealt with the strange and different things. I should be fine. Apparently, not so much. We talked through a lot of things and it was really good.

Because I have a tendency to put things in a box and have a plan for things, I felt like I could not deal with the poverty around me. I have my ministry and it is out in the villages. Somewhere I got it in my head, that ministry means having a plan, working with others, having meetings, etc. etc. Once again, I was wrong. (I am starting to get used to that) Ministry is just loving the people that God has put in your life, no matter who they are. Ministry is loving the people around me, my neighbors, the street kids, the kids that come up to me every day as I come home begging for money.

Now I just have to figure out how to do this; how to change how I live my life. I don't want to add extra work, but I have realized not doing anything about the people around me is hurting me emotionally and spiritually. I am often afraid of rejection and this can prevent me from even starting something and then I just make up excuses that sound wise but are full of bologna. I have lots of ideas running around in my head like tutoring some of the children, reading stories to them, inviting them over and just playing with them. When I come home, I don't leave again. I don't go and visit my neighbors. I make myself seperate. I want to start visiting people more to build better relationships. There is a ministry that works with street kids, I want to go and visit them and ask for help in knowing the best way to respond to the kids that I see. I would like to have a discipleship group of young TZ girls. I am not sure how to do any of this or how to make any of this happen, but I know that if this is developed more that I will be better, my work will be better.

When I arrived, I got this one track mind and have been afraid to deviate. Now, I do have a tendency to do too much, so I do want to pray first rather than running full steam ahead first. Would you pray with me? Would you pray that God would guide me in all of this and provide opportunities? Let's see what God does....

Being a Hypocrite

2008-09-23T23:22:00.000-07:00

I came to Tanzania to help the poor. I came wanting to serve the least and the lost, the poorest of the poor. All of that seems rather good and noble, until I realized my true character. I only want to help others when it is convenient for me. I do not want to help others when I am tired or hungry, even though I probably cannot imagine what it really means to be tired and hungry. I have never gone a day without a meal, I have never slept outside, on the ground because I had no place else to go. I get tired and irritable and do not want to be bothered with the needs of others when I have other things that I want to do. I will only help people when it is part of my schedule. I need to be efficient and have a well organized plan, not just waste my day by helping every person I see.

Everywhere I turn I see need. It is exhausting and at times I find myself wanting to escape, to retreat, to block it all out. There are days, where I feel like I just can't handle it. I think it is easier to have it be a scheduled activity because then I keep it compartmentalized and I don't have to get my hands dirty. Things get too messy. I like to stay in my nice, safe little house rather than be the hands and feet.

It is hard to see yourself as a hypocrite. I thank God for His grace in my life and that He is in the business of redeeming people.

The little things

2008-09-22T05:47:00.000-07:00

We know that we have a Big God who created the universe and is all powerful. He cares about our lives. He does great and mighty things, but isn't it neat when we see Him provide in small, seemingly insignificant ways. Things that we would assume that God would not care about. Let's be honest there are a lot of important things that God needs to tend to, so a lot of times I assume that I am on my own for the little things, that I will just have to make do.

Living in Tanzania during the 21st century is nothing like the olden days. Granted the internet is slow, but at least we have internet. Our power is bipolar, but at least we have power. We might not always have a hot shower, but at least we do not have to go and get the water and carry it ourselves. Some things are difficult to get here but for the most part we are fine. Many things here are just two or three times the price of home but they are available. So, really, when you think of what people used to go through, it is no big deal.

Even though certain things are no big deal, I love it when God cares. Friday morning, I realized that I was out of Qtips. Unfortunately, I did not realize this before the most recent team came to ask them to bring some. (The fact that we have teams come over is a huge blessing!) Friday at lunch, I went out to lunch with the team and they had put together a gift bag for me. Guess what was inside....Qtips! Isn't that amazing. I didn't know, but God knew. He knows all the big things going on in my life but all the litte things as well.

From legalism to grace

2008-09-20T09:42:00.000-07:00

Do you know what it is like to be trapped by legalism? To be trapped in a world where you think that you have to do the right thing or say the right thing to be a Christian? Have you ever felt fear that if people knew the real you, your thoughts, your emotions, that they would never think you were a Christian? That people would judge you and condemn you? Have you ever felt like there was no one to go to with the things you are struggling with because they would accuse you and ask how could you really be a Christian? Those feelings must be suffocating, almost like being imprisoned. You have to hide who you really are from the rest of the world in order to be accepted.

Isn't it amazing that our relationship with Christ is not based on what we do? We did nothing to earn God's love and we cannot do anything to make Him stop loving us. Have you ever been with someone who you know is trapped in that world and then finds the way into a world of freedom and grace? Last week, I had the chance to see God open the eyes of a girl to the reality of His love, mercy, and grace.

Isn't it amazing that our relationship with Christ is not based on what we do? We did nothing to earn God's love and we cannot do anything to make Him stop loving us. So, being with someone who you know is trapped in that world of legalism is heartbreaking. However, if and when they find the way into a world of freedom and grace it is wonderful to see. Last week, I had the chance to see God open the eyes of a girl to the reality of His love, mercy, and grace.

As I think I have shared before, it is very difficult to find teachers, even more difficult to find teachers who are Christians, and then on top of that even more difficult to find teachers who are willing to live and work where our projects are. A couple of weeks ago I went up to one of our projects for a meeting with the teachers and to handle some of other issues. Considering the difficulties in finding teachers, you can imagine my suprise when I learn that a woman has shown up to the nursery school asking for a job.

When I first met her, there was a harshness to her personality that came across right away. She was cold and withdrawn and very severe with the children. Later, I learned that she had caned one of the children that morning. Unfortunately this is still quite commonplace in the public schools. Even though they have been taught to not use the stick, that is how they were raised and how they were treated in school. Hence, most revert back to it when they do not know what else to do. After talking to her, I learned that she is an orphan that has a relationship with the pastor and his wife that lead the project. Many of the children at the school in this village are orphans. Because of the relationship, I realize that I will need to interview her despite my desire to dismiss her. We had a long day and everyone was ready to leave and this was not part of the agenda. The interview would make everyone wait and we had a long drive home ahead of us.

Ultimately the decision to hire a teacher is not mine, I am only an advisor. I usually lead the process in an effort to help the pastor, head teacher, and others have a better understanding of the skills and character of the candidate. During the course of the interview, this teacher remained cold and distant and gave trite answers. Eventually, many of the people left the interview including the pastor. Often times this means that they no longer have an interest in that person. But, I continued. In order to understand how a teacher disciplines, we ask a series of "situational" questions. She gave quick answers but insisted that she would never cane. At this point, she did not know that I had already been told. We made sure that she understood what we were asking, and she was clear that she did not cane a child that day. Bottom line, she lied. At this point, I was ready to give up, call it a day, and say thank you for your time.

However, that is not what God had in store. I knew that God wanted there to be more with this girl. She was harsh and severe for a reason. Even though she claimed to be a Christian, there was something missing. So, I asked her if she knew that God loved her. She seemed a bit caught off guard by the question. We talked more about God's love and grace and both the head teacher and I shared times where we saw the goodness of God work in our lives. In addition, we shared that at the school the desire was to have an environment of mercy and grace where teachers felt free to make mistakes and ask for help. There is no shame in making a mistake or doing something wrong. We are there to help and support the teachers because everyone is in process and God is a God of love and acceptance. Watching her eyes and expression soften was amazing. You could see her begin to process it all and find peace and freedom. At the end we asked her if there was any answer she had given before that she would like to change. We knew that she did not know what kind of school we have and what are expectations were, but it is important to be transparent and honest so that we can move forward.

After a few moments, she replied that she did cane a child. You could see a little fear in her eyes when she admitted this. However, we assured her that it was okay. She did not know our rules on caning and even if she had it takes time to learn other ways of discipline and we are here to help and develop her as a teacher. Relief just flooded her face and the harshness was replaced with a huge smile and warmth. We spent time praying with her and offered her the job. Several others quickly commented on the transformation of the girl and asked what occured. I had a plan to interview a possible teacher. God had a plan to take a precious child that He loves and cares deeply about from a place of legalism to the wonderful world of grace. Isn't God good?

It's a bird, it's a plane, no it's Super Christian

2008-09-11T01:21:00.000-07:00

I have never really had aspirations of being a super Christian. Early on, I was painfully aware of my sinful, prideful self. So, needless to say super Christian status was not to be for me. However, I did hope that after becoming a missionary, certain things would just be easier. You know in the Bible where it talks about forgiveness. I like it when it means others have to forgive me when I have made mistakes or even worse hurt them. The other way around is a different story. Despite the reality of how much Christ has forgiven me, I still struggle with forgiveness. I want justice. I want wrongs to be righted. In no way, do I want to forgive someone without them asking for it. I want them to be sorry. I definitely do not want to forgive if they think they have done nothing wrong. Isn't great to see this Christ like attitude in a missionary!

As is the case in all of our lives, I have been hurt by others. Some times I just say it is no big deal and sweep it under the proverbial carpet. Which, as I am sure you will agree, does not actually work. No matter how far you sweep it under the carpet, you still see it again. I am not sure if the carpet shrinks with time or "my junk" just grows. Bottom line, minimizing things is not dealing with them and is not forgiveness because the next something happens every thing gets brought back up again.

While struggling with hurt and forgiveness, I realized my pride, my arrogance, self-righteousness, lack of humility and all sorts of other really fun sins that tend to rear their ugly head. The moment that I realized the ugliness of my own sin in all of this was very humbling. I am so thankful that despite all of my sin, God is still faithful. God is still good. He knew all of that and still loved me and waited and was tender and patient with me. More than ever, I am aware of how much I do not deserve God's grace and mercy.

After realizing all of that, God just seemed to be kneading my heart and preparing me to truly forgive. Now, those issues are done and gone, never to be brought up again. How amazing that the most freeing thing in the world is to forgive someone else.

The latest from You might be living in Africa if....

2008-09-08T02:53:00.000-07:00

More details are to come from last week but I couldn't resist put some of the latest moments that can only happen in Africa. This past week has just been jammed pack with crazy moments, some of them where you don't know if you should laugh or cry, others where you laugh so hard you cry, and others where you just shake your head.
Friday evening, I told a friend about these and asked for some ideas. The next night, we went to the movies and three times during the most exciting moments the power went out. The third time we looked at each other and said you might be living in Africa if....

But, let me just get on with it. Don't forget fake laughter and polite chuckles work on me. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy to get comments that say, you are the funniest mzungu ever! =)

1. You might be living in Africa if your roommate can actually play a joke on you by saying rats have eaten our chocolate cake because you believe it could happen. The rats have eaten just about everything else.

2. You might be living in Africa if you cook four pieces of chicken but can only find three. Solving the great chicken mystery quickly becomes the focus of the day. The only evidence seems to be that the rats climbed up on the stove and stole a piece! (They have climbed up more difficult places and stolen more).

3. You might be living in Africa if the idea of a night's entertainment is watching two ants crawling up the wall carrying a bug much bigger than the two of them. All eyes are on the ants and lively commentating begins. "Look they are losing ground" "Nope, they are going to make it, they are not giving up." "They are going up a little and down a little" "Will they make it?" And finally, a lively round of applause as they succeed.

4. You might be living in Africa if you see an entire office desk on the back of a bicycle.

5. You might be living in Afica if you can put your entire house on a cart and push it through town. Africa's version of a Uhaul.

6. ... if you are willing to pay $14 for creammate.

7. ... if you are willing to pay $5 for a snickers but argue over the $.50 for a mango.

8. ... if you while you are eating a piece of red meat you are able to sit at the table for a short while, get up and go into the kitchen to get something, return to the table, listen to a 20 minute conversation and then finally swallow. Boy do I miss the steaks from home!

Don't forget about the polite chuckles and the fake laughter!

On the Road Again

2008-09-05T04:38:00.000-07:00

So, I have a question for you. Are you more like Donkey or Shrek? I think I can go back and forth between the two. Sometimes, I can be a bit ogreish and want things done my way and to be left alone. Other times, I feel like donkey and just talk way too much. Even though I am not actually a cartoon character, there are times when I feel like I can relate to Donkey. You know the part when he realizes that the princess is actually an ogre and as he is walking out he starts twitching and is sure he is going to need years of therapy. Trust me, I have felt that twitch and I already needed therapy! =) Then of course, there are those social cues that donkey completely misses. Shrek is trying to tell him to leave him alone but Donkey just does not get it. As you can imagine, communication here is just a tad bit different which may be a slight understatement. Even if I am speaking the same language, all sorts of crazy miscommunication seems to happen. One of my favorite seens is when Shrek says that Donkey can stay. Shrek of course mean outside so that he can be alone in his humble abode and Donkey misses that completely. He gets all excited runs into Shreks house and talks about the wonderful time they will have together and then says, "In the morning, I am making waffles" with a big ol' grin on his face. Yep, that one might be a reality way too often for me here in Tanzania. I get all excited and then realize that I missed the entire conversation because in an indirect culture, what wasn't said is more important than what was. Oh well, still learning.

However, what lead me down the road of discovery with Shrek was actually the scene when Donkey sings "On the road again". I love that part, especially when he is forced to hum. As I think you know, I travel quite often to the villages. This week, I traveled to two villages and really feel like God did a lot in those visits. Sometimes I am very excited and am anticipating the time ahead, and then nothing. Other times, like this week, my expectations are low and a lot of great things happen, things that are completely unexpected. More details to come on some of those....

A little teary...

2008-08-27T01:53:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have moments where your emotions just come out of nowhere? Where you feel blindsided? Granted, this might just be a girl thing. I think I might have seen my dad get a little teary eyed once when Penn State came from behind to beat Notre Dame in football or catching a much bigger fish than my uncle Joe, but I am pretty sure I have never seen him tear up while chopping potatoes. And, in the many years that I have known my brother, I don't think we have just been hanging out and he starts to sniffle. Of course, they could just be hiding it and putting on that tough exterior and really just crying on the inside. It is hard to tell with the men folk. But, once again, I digress, back to the point: me and my crazy emotions.

So, there I was just chopping away, and out of nowhere little drops of water just started to leak out of the bottom of my eyes. I had not even begun to chop the onions which are incredibly strong and then could have been easily blamed. Unless these are a different breed of potato, I think it will be hard to blame them. Julia and I were preparing dinner in our kitchen. It was Friday night and earlier in the week we had talked about wanting to do a nice southern meal. We made hamburgers, home fries, green beans, and yummy mango cobbler (no peaches). To help create the mood, we listened to some blue grass whilst we were chopping away. I am happy and looking forward to dinner when out of nowhere for no apparent reason, these emotions just whack upside the head. I began thinking: What is wrong with me? Where did these come from? What is going on? Then, I realized, I was just missing home. Fall is coming and the music and the food made me think of the fall in Georgia with the changing of the leaves and going for a walk outside and barbecuing with friends and family. And, football! Not soccer, real American football where there is blood and guts and glory! I love the Fall. It is my favorite time of the year. I was just sad to be missing it again.

I love being in Tanzania and feel completely clarity from the Lord that I am right where He wants me to be. I had thought that I had gotten through the homesick blues, but apparently they never quite go away....

Roller Coasters and God

2008-08-18T22:08:00.000-07:00

I know you must be thinking that what do roller coasters and God have to do with one another. What crazy tangent am I going off on this time? But, before you stop reading or catch up on facebook or Fox news, hear me out. I think you might be suprised. I don't know about you, but I LOVE roller coasters. They are so much fun. I don't know what is about having the sickening feeling in your stomach as you slowly creep up the hill wandering why did you get on this roller coaster? Why do you put yourself through this torture, what were you thinking? Is there anyway to get off? Is it too late? What if I start crying, would they stop the roller coaster? Then you get to the top and off you go and all you can do is scream, you know that feeling of your stomach hovering over you or being in your throat. You make it to the bottom of the hill and you have lived only to be quickly whisked away to some crazy turn and then looped upside down and more insanity. Finally, the ride is over and you feel that rush. Complete adrenaline rushing through your body. Everybody is windblown saying, "OH MY GOSH, THAT was awesome!" You know that feeling of feeling completely alive, like every little hair on your body is tingling. You jump out of the car and race out so you can quickly get back in line to do it all over again! What is there not to love about roller coasters?! You were afraid but you safely make it through and it feels GREAT!

I have personally always wondered about adrenaline. Why did God create it? What is the purpose behind it? I have no hard data, but my personal opinion is that it might just be a taste of heaven. I think heaven is going to be amazing and that we are going to experience unbelieaveable and exciting things. We will not be twiddling our thumbs or drumming our fingers. . I think that the adventures will just be beginning when we make up to the Pearly Gates. One day as I was journaling, I even drew a roller coaster with "God" in it. "The roller coaster of heaven". I don't even think we will have to wait in long lines in heaven to get on the roller coasters. =)

This past week at church, one of my friends mentioned roller coasters and our lives with God and it got me thinking about all that has gone on in the past few weeks. Life has definitely not been boring. Through all that has happened, the spider bites, savings going away, and being robbed at knife point, God has been there. I have never not been safe, from an eternal perspective. Honestly, there were times when I felt afraid and out of control. I could not get off the roller coaster. I was strapped in and it was already on its way up the hill. However, now as I look back, I am more convinced than ever of God's goodness and love for me. He is amazing. I am not racing out of the car to get back in line to go through all of that again, but I think I wouldn't be afraid if it did. There is something about going through all of that that has made me feel more secure and peaceful than ever before. Incredible, really to realize that the God of the universe is on your side. So, I am just going to hang on tight and enjoy the ride. =)

Every tongue, tribe, and nation

2008-08-12T05:41:00.000-07:00

In the midst of all that happened last week, in typical God fashion, God allowed me to be a part of a sweet, and fun type of worship. He always seems to meet me right where I am and remind me that He is still sovereign. Friday was the last day of our weeklong seminar with the teachers. Throughout all the fabulous teaching and useful tips given, one of the most amazing things was seeing a sense of unity and community developing amongst the teachers of all the Imara schools. So, Friday morning, worship was big giant party, literally. We broke it down, danced around, and all in all just got a great workout, Jesus style. However, my favorite part was the last song that we sang. Here in Tanzania, there are over 120 different tribes. Some are very different from each others, not so much; but, each definitely has its own unique personality and language. What does that have to do with worship, well let me tell you... WOW! I must admit that I am definitely not a Bible scholar. I must admit that there are times when I read the Bible and I feel at a complete loss and don't feel like I understood anything or got much out of it. However, there are times when I feel like my soul has been nourished from a rich time in the word. Friday, I felt like I saw the Bible come to life. In front of me, I saw a passage of scripture played out in front of me. As we were worshipping, the leader called all of the Massai up to dance and worship with their dance. He led them in a song about the people from that tribe knowing God and worshipping and celebrating their way. The Massai are the ones that jump up and down and move their shoulders in ways I didn't realize were possible. After them, he continued to all up all the tribes represented: Chagga, Meru, Pare, and many others. They even let the Wazungu tribe come up, which was just little ol me representing the white people of the world that can't dance. =) I was right in the midst of Revelation 7:9-10, "After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no-one could count, from every nation, tribe, people, and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. And they cried out in a loud voice: 'Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb.'" Aren't you glad that heaven is not going to be sitting on clouds playing harps but a whole lot more fun?

Listen, drop everything, get on a plane and come to Tanzania because worship here is just to amazing to miss!

Planes, Phones, and Spiders

2008-08-10T10:02:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those weeks where life changes a bit? Where your view of life is altered and you realize that you will never look at life the same again? You know where those weeks where you are just going about your business and bam something happens that throws you of course a bit? I think I can get comfortable with life and put safety nets in place. I find safety nets much easier than actually depending on God alone. In my defense, I often fool even myself. I make it appear as though I am being wise and Godly and don't realize that I am putting my hope in things rather than God. So, this week God got a hold of me. As I look back at all that has happened and how different I feel compared to this time last week, I am in a bit of shock. However, it has been a full week so prepare yourself for a bit of a long entry. Maybe, go get a cup of tea, a bag of popcorn, or just some chocolate to help you get through the long entry that is about to begin.

This past week, we had a week long seminar for the teachers from all five of the Imara schools. WOW! God did so much, I will have to share more about that at another time but if I shared that at this time as well, this would quickly become a short novella. As is the case with most seminars, especially here, the first morning is a bit nuts as you run here and there getting all the last minute things together, making sure so and so knows about the thingabob and the other so and so has gotten the whatchamacallit. Needless to say, by lunch time I was bit tired. As we began the session after lunch, I felt like I could finally sit back and enjoy and learn. However, soon after started my foot felt a little strange. When I looked down, it had gotten a bit swollen. Since my ankle sprain several months ago, every once in a while my ankly swells up a bit so I didn't think much of it until I realized that it was the wrong foot. I just love it when I do stuff like that. I continued on but started feeling a bit weird. Quickly, the size of my foot increased significantly and feeling a bit weird grew to feeling dizzy with chestpains. I felt like waiting was no longer the wise choice and going to the doctor might be a good idea.

However, when I got to the doctor he barely acknowledged what I was going through and had me get some bloodwork done and then come back in three hours. I thought he was concerned and wanted to see if my condition was getting worse or better. I was wrong. He just had something else to do. After coming back three hours later and waiting an hour and a half, I learned that he had tested me for malaria, which of course I did not have, and then gave me cipro which is a medicine to kill bacteria when you have a stomach bug. Needless to say, I broke down. That moment was one that I felt the most fear. I felt like there was no one I could trust or depend on that knew what they were doing. Everything is malaria here. Despite the clear evidence of bites on my legs that were hard and hot and the huge size of my lower leg, I got tested for malaria. At that moment, I just sat and realized that I had nothing but God. I had absolutely no control. There was nothing that I could do. My mom called the medical insurace company I use and they asked what country Tanzania is in, so I felt like their knowledge of these things might be slightly limited. Honestly, I cannot think of a time when I felt more scared. Any safety net that doctors provide was completely gone.

Next up on the list, my finances. Because of several crazy situations, my savings account went from healthy to zero. I had been trying to be responsible with my money and make wise decisions. Having a savings account definitely provided a sense of security in case of emergencies and now that is gone completely. A bit scary but once again nothing I can do. The situation is completely out of my control and I have to depend on God.

The finale of this week was a bit of a shock to my system as well. After finishing the seminar on Friday, I headed down to Dar es Salaam for a meeting on Saturday. Before the meeting began, I decided to go for a run. Even though it was quite early, about 7am, lots of people were out. Since I am a bit of a slow runner, well let's be honest, I am more of a shuffler that looks like I am a bit haggard while I run, I prefer for the crowd to not be so big. So, I decided to head towards to beach. As I was on the rocky part making my way to the sand, a man approached me. He picked up large rock and said give me your phone or I will kill you. I was in shock. Was he actually serious? Was I really being robbed? I did not want to give up my phone. This past week there had been multiple issues with it that made me wonder if I should just purchase another one, but with my current financial situation, I felt like I could not do it. So, he was not going to get my phone without a fight. And, fight we did. He struggled to get my phone as I asked him why? I told him that God was here. God knows what he is doing. The struggle continued for a while and then he picked up a broken bottle. Even though I screamed a couple of times, everyone kept on with what they are doing and ignored the situation. Then another man came up. He pulled a knife. At this point, I decided to give up the struggle. However, I wanted my sim card. Having to change my phone number and find all my numbers seemed too much. After being a bit too difficult, they finally conceded but then also took my watch. It was a bit surreal to realize that one guy was holding me with a knife while the other guy took my phone and watch. As they walked away, I told them that God still loved them. They just stared at me like I was crazy. Now, I felt like even my life was not secure. You never know what is going to happen. God is always at work and clearly was protecting me.

On the plane ride home, the whole plane was praying because it was such a scary ride. We had some significant free fall, some large bumps, and did some sliding around. As all of this was happening, I couln't help but think that maybe this past week God was preparing me for what might happen. However, we landed safely.

As I sat in my living room on Sunday night, I was a bit overwhelmed by all that occured in one week and all that God had done. I felt like God used planes, phones, and spiders to rip away any safety net and show me that I really can depend on Him alone. I feel a bit exposed and little unsure but very aware of God's presence.

This morning, one of my favorite passages of scripture became a little more real.

Isaiah 43: 1-2

"Do not fear, I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not overcome you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour."

Spiritual Giants

2008-07-23T06:05:00.001-07:00

Have you read the biographies of Hudson Taylor, Jim Elliot, and many others? WOW! Aren't they inspiring? I am so encouraged by their faith and their dedication to prayer. So much of what you read includes their commitment to pray for their ministry and all the people that they come in contact with. I remember reading about Hudson Taylor and how he would wake up at 4am and read his Bible by candlelight under his mosquito net before anyone else got up.

As you can imagine, not the case with me. This morning when I realized that it was time to get up, I rolled over and reached for my Bible from my bookshelf thankful that I did not have to get out from underneath the covers and then simply placed it down right next to me on my bed, hoping that some of God's truth I could absorb through osmosis as I got fifteen more minutes of sleep. Eventually, I did wake up and read a little. =)

Last night, as I was sitting at home processing through my day and all the things that are going on. Do you know what I prayed for? For Hudson it might have been the health of a Chinese man he worked with, for Jim Elliot the unreached people group that he was desperately trying to reach with the gospel, for me.... a hot shower. By this point, you would think that I would have a greater perspective, but that was all I really wanted and that was what my prayer. In the morning, there was power but no water and when I returned home there was water but no power.

So, here is the bottom line. The others Spiritual Giants, me just a Spiritual microscopic organism. (Once a tech nerd, always a tech nerd) However, isn't it amazing to know exactly who you are and that God loves you fully knowing all of that. And, it doesn't even stop there, the creator of the Universe, our Redeemer and Saviour allows us the privelege to be a part of what He is doing in the lives of so many. Unbelievable!

Leaving on a Jet plane

2008-07-17T05:19:00.000-07:00

All morning I have been singing, "Leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I will be back again." Well, let me be honest, singing and even dancing a little. You can't help but tap your feet and move your head back and forth again. I was always a bit disappointed that I never made it to the big time with my moves. During my early teen years, I practiced a lot in front of my mirror. But, I digress. The point is that I am leaving today to go back to Tanzania. Talk about emotional overload. I feel like a giant dumptruck has backed up and dumped a load on top of me and I am buried somewhere underneath and cannot get out.

At times during my short time back in the States, I have felt a little like Lucy from "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe." She discovered the amazing world filled with adventure, excitement, and so many new and wonderful people and things to experience. When she got back, it was like she had never left. For the people back home, it had only been a few seconds. Even though things have changed here, it still feels like I never left. It was almost like I never went to Tanzania and it had only been a few seconds. I found it so easy to pick back up where I left off with my old life. It makes the other world not seem real. However, it was real. I am excited to go back but really sad to leave. My time at home has been amazing, refreshing, encouraging, fun, and just plain good. But, way too short. I have not seen all the people that I wanted to and the ones that I did, I did not see enough. I did lots of fun things but never made it to Stone Mountain or even went for a bike ride. I feel not ready to leave. I want to stay.

Someone recently asked me what I miss about America and what do I not miss. The list was quite long for the things that I miss from mint chocolate chip ice cream to turkey sandwiches and smooth roads and good conversations with friends. However, I could not think of anything that I don't miss. I actually really love America. I love having seasons, especially the fall and not just because of football. I love the relationships I have with people here and the familiarity of life long friends and family. Goodness, I am going to miss my three little nieces. Honestly, I would prefer to stay. I am not living in Tanzania because I do not like America or because it is better. I am not leaving everyone that I love to have a great vacation. Living there is not a 24/7 emotional or spiritual high. It is life, just like here with good days and bad days. The only reason I am going to Tanzania is because I know that is where God wants me to be and I know that He is good and trustworthy. So, as I go back and feel so much uncertainty about so many things, I am simply clinging to Him.

Just Like Home

2008-06-26T06:27:00.000-07:00

As I am sure you can imagine, things stateside are just a little bit different than things back in Tanzania. Life is so different and sometimes I feel like I am on a different planet but yesterday something happened that made me feel like I was back home in my beloved Tanzania. My dad has graciously allowed me to work out at his gym. Yesterday morning, I was striding away on the elliptical machine, you will never guess what happen... That's right, the power went out! It made me feel like life was normal again. Everything being reliable and working all the time was starting to mess with my head. I couldn't help but laugh at everyone else's response to the "emergency" situation. Needless to say, I felt right at home.

Fitting in...

2008-06-20T14:28:00.000-07:00

I am not sure if any of you were ever a cool kid. Even though this might be shock to many of you, I was not. But, boy, did I try hard to be one, to fit in. More than anything in the world I wanted to fit in, to belong, to feel like I was part of the group. As I look back, I am ashamed of a lot of the things that I did in my elusive attempt at fitting in. I compromised so much of who I was and became who I thought others wanted me to be. I lied, exaggerated, told ridiculous stories all so that the cool kids would think that I was interesting. Now, by the grace of God, I am much more comfortable with who I am and have finally come to the realization that I am not a cool kid and never will be. However, I have also learend that community is very important to me. I do desire to belong, to have a place and feel like I fit in. God designed us for community, so it does not make me a freak for desiring it; some of my other quirky habits take care of that. =) So, now there is a problem. I don't really feel like I fit in anywhere. Throughout this past year in Tanzania, I have often thought I am never going to fit in. I will always be an outsider. No matter how well I speak the language, how long I live there, how much I have adapted to the culture, I will always be a visitor. The color of my skin is the first thing that is noticed regardless of anything else. While I was thinking about things that I was looking forward upon my return, honestly, one of the them was just being able to blend in, not always being stared at. I wanted to be normal, to be ordinary, to be just another person on the bus. Here, the color of my skin doesn't mean anything which I love, but I still can't help feeling like I don't fit in, like I don't belong. I feel different now. So, the thing I am struggling with the most right now is that I don't feel like I fit in anywhere....

Books, wireless, and Frappacinos

2008-06-18T15:07:00.000-07:00

Right now I am snuggled in a little cove at a Barnes and Noble after just finishing my very first Frappacino in a over a year. I have dreamed of this moment, a blended drink, that is cold that has ice in it that does not make my whole body tremble in fear. I know the water is safe what a liberating feeling! As I sit here catching up on emails, there is a group of kids outside the window. Of course I can see all of their underwear since their pants are hanging so low and the beloved spiked mohawk is apparently still in style. I thought it died in the 80s. Oh well some things just never go away. However, I can't help but feel that life is oddly normal. I am a bit suprised by how effortlessly I drifted back into this way of life. Back in Tanzania, I expected to be angry at all the people that just live their lives as if the most important thing in the world is their next cup of coffee. But I don't. I am not really sure why. I haven't really expected anything different from them. I think as I struggle through the differences in two very different worlds I have realized that God loves me just as much when I am doing nothing of value as He does when I am "serving Him". His love has nothing to do with what I do but with who I am. Being back home has been strange because no expects me to do anything, they just want to see me and visit with me and talk to me. They love me because of who I am not because of what I do. I had not realized how much pressure I had put on myself back in Tanzania. And, it really was me not anyone else putting that pressure. I lived in Tanzania surrounded by poverty and social injustice. The work never ended and I never let it end. How exhausting! So, now I am just working through resting in God and realizing that I can be a complete failure, a total nobody, and God will not love me any less.

Culture Shock

2008-06-12T16:46:00.001-07:00

I cannot believe that it has been one week since I left. As I prepared for my return, I was not sure what would be the hardest part about returning. Would it be the accessibility of everything, the smooth roads, the cost of things, Target? It is hard to know what would be hard. For me, it has been the strangest things, the little things. When I first arrived in Atlanta and went through the security check, I was dumbfounded by all the ziploc bags just sitting out for people to use. Granted these were because of the new security issues but I live in a place where they are incredibly hard to find and sooo expensive. They are like gold. I looked at all of those ziploc bags and couldn't believe they could be lying out so carelessly. Next up, in my strange world: Target. What girl doesn't love Target. However, as I made my first trip back I was not sure what to expect. How would I handle seeing all the clothes, shoes, DVDs, etc? How would I handle all that stuff after being where I have been? Suprisingly, no real issues... not until I got home and I unpacked my bag. Bags are so hard to come by and we need them often, so I wasn't sure what to do. Should I pack it up in my suitcase to take home with me? Surely, I couldn't just discard it. At dinner one night, we finished a jar of salsa. As happy as I was to finally eat salsa, for me all I could think about was how valuable and useful that jar was. Earlier today I was driving through Atlanta and passed my beloved school, Georgia Tech. On the billboard they were advertising football tickets and I just started crying. I felt sad about missing another football season. Then, I just felt strange that I was crying about football of all things. Needless to say, I am taking things one day at a time and just trying to cling to God through all of it!

Upside down, Inside out, and Walking Backwards

2008-06-05T22:33:00.001-07:00

That is a little like what I feel like right now as I sit in the Amsterdam airport on a computer that has internet that works at a speed that I forgot that the Western world lived in. I did not have to log in go get a book, take a nap, and come back! Which is a good thing since I am only paying for fifteen minutes. Can you imagine what it would be like if someone told us that we had been lied to or maybe just misinformed and now scientists have discovered that the sky is not blue it is in fact, red. This one simple thing changes everything. If the sky is blue, then what color is the sun, the stars, the grass, the ocean, everything? All of sudden our understanding and perception of everything would be altered, forever different. It would take a while for us to adjust to it and I think that some of us would fight it for a while before we would accept it but eventually we would adjust. However, in the beginning it would feel weird and we would no longer be sure of anything. If the sky is red, is the ocean red too if it was originally blue? We would know that the grass is not green but what color is it. We know that everything is different but we are not sure exactly what the new reality is. As bizarre and mystic as this all sounds, that is how I feel right now. I feel different, strange, not quite myself, and not quite sure of how to look at things, to feel, just about anything. So, if you happen to see a strange white woman wondering around looking a bit lost, it might be me.....

Dog people vs. Cat People

2008-05-20T23:24:00.000-07:00

Yes, the century long battle continues between the sweet, loving, and loyal group of dog lovers vs. the snobby, too good for you, leave me alone group of cat people. I am sure it is impossible at this point to tell which group I belong to. I will let the suspense continue for a little while longer. =) Either way, we are all pet lovers. Do you know what it is about having a pet that makes us happy? Why do kids beg and plead to get one? For me, having a dog was so much fun. It was great to have my little guy to go for walks with and play with and snuggle with. But then, one morning I awoke to weird sounds only to discover that my dog was having a grand mal seizure that lasted about 5 minutes. I thought he was dying. I just cried and held him. Throughout the next year, my little Matty had many more seizures. Because he had grand mal cluster seizures, I had to take him to the vet emergency clinic often. The amount of money that I spent on my dog was definitely significant. Eventually, they became so frequent and severe that too much damage had been done and he needed to be put down. I loved my dog.

This morning when I got online, one of the news headlines was about wheelchairs for pets. As I looked at the cute little dog in his wheelchair, I just started to cry. It came out of nowhere. I wasn't expecting it. However, I wasn't crying because of the dog, I was crying because of the people that I see here. I was crying because of all the people I see crippled, many of whom do not even have wheelchairs and if they do they are nothing like what we have in the States. I am not sure what to do with the things that I see everyday. How do I help? How do I not help? How do I not hurt for these people that I see limping along who have to walk miles just to get water? How does my heart not break for people that have little to no value in their society and are cast offs? But, how do I live in a perpetual state of brokenness? In it is not every once in a while that I see these things, it is every day.

As Julia and I were driving yesterday, she told me the story of a woman that was just heartbreaking that she saw earlier. I think the man in the wheelchair along the side of the road whose legs were size of a tiny tree branch might have been what reminded her of that woman but I am not sure. I couldn't help but think that we have barely begun to scratch the surface of the despair and poverty in this country and really all over.

Honestly, sometimes it is too much for me. I just want to run away and hide and forget about all the things that I have seen. I just want to go home and go back to my old life and let these people just be people that I see occassionally on the news or that I hear stories about rather than real people that I know. But I know I can't...

Systems, processes, and other practical things

2008-05-19T21:33:00.000-07:00

When people come to Africa to serve, I think the dream is often to help by feeding a starving child or giving medicine to someone suffering from AIDS or building a house for a widow. I know that is what I thought about. Some of my favorite times this past year have been when I was sitting on a rock in someone's mud hut that is too small for me to even stand and listening to their story and praying for them. However, as I have gone deeper into the ministry as a whole, I have realized that a lot more is needed. If people want to feed a starving child, food needs to be bought, a cook needs to be found, people to distribute food need to be hired. To give someone medicine means making sure the right health people are involved and that there is proper care. To build a house means getting a quote and bill of quantity for all the supplies and finding the right people to help. On an ever grander scale, building a school! WOW! The work that takes from the classrooms to the desks and chairs, from the septic tank to the retaining walls. We have learned that in the process of all of this we need better communication and involvement of the community and pastors. Throughout my time here, I felt frustrated, disappointed, discouraged, disheartened and whole other range of emotions because of mundane, practical things. So, last week when I finished my week I felt this enormous since of progress! I felt like we were making head way on developing systems and processes and had created a few simple forms. YEAH!

Sometimes it's the little things....

Perspective

2008-05-06T12:03:00.000-07:00

Do you ever lose perspective? Do you ever get so focused on the things that are right in front of you that you forget to take a step back and look at the big picture? Do you ever get so caught up in all the things that you have to do that you forget all the things that have already been done? That sometimes you are not working with your head up, but with your head down.
I am hoping that I am not alone in this! I am so thankful that God so often steps into my life and helps me see what He sees. Yesterday, I felt like God took my head in His hands and lifted up to take a look around.

We went to the village of Karanse with a long agenda of things to discuss. These things varied from teams that are coming to communication, from painting of the school to a sewing class for widows. So many things to do and so little time. There is so much to do. After we finished meeting with the pastor and social worker, we needed to go and greet the teachers. At that time, school was just finishing and all the students were lined up for the end of the day assembly. As they worshipped God, singing with all of their heart as loud as they can, I just cried. It is so easy to lose perspective and get caught up in the little things. I so often forget what God has already done and what He is doing. These children are loved and cared for. They are receiving one of the best educations in all of Tanzania. They are poor village kids that live in mud huts yet they get to learn and have awe and wonder in the discovery of so many amazing things. On a daily basis, they are taught that God loves them and are shown that love through their teachers and other workers. They have hope. Their lives are forever changed. WOW! What a good God we serve!

More from You might be living in Africa if.....

2008-04-30T01:24:00.000-07:00

You might be living in Africa if you are at a bridal shower and a monkey jumps out of the tree and steals your cake!

You might be living in Africa if driving sideways and slipping back and forth across the road doesn't scare you because it is perfectly normal.

You might be living in Africa if falling into ditch becomes a normal occurrence with bad roads.

You might be living in Africa if you are constantly waving to people as you are driving along in the car. I have achieved celebrity status simply because I am white.

You might be living in Africa if someone starts to crumple wrapping paper and everyone gasps. Wrapping paper can be ironed and reused!

You might be living in Africa if you open the window to your office and there is a snake. (This happened to someone who is in my old office and not to me. Thank GOD!)

You might be living in Africa if you go back to your room and there is a baby spitting cobra waiting for you. (Not at my house, while I was in one of the villages)

You might be living in Africa if those crazy stories that people seem to make up about everything going wrong are actually true. (No joke, I had to get a hold of someone. They sent me a text. I could not reply because my texting was not working. Then the network was down. Then, they had their phone turned off. And, finally,I ran out of credit).

You might be living in Africa if that weird itch on your skin really is a big crawling on you.

You might be living in Africa if knowing two languages is considered normal or even basic. Tribal languages make life more interesting. Each village requires a different greeting!

You might be living in Africa if no party you have ever been to compares to the praise and worship here!

That's all for now, but stay tuned for more. Life here is never boring!

Word for the day

2008-04-26T11:26:00.000-07:00

In my quest for mastery of the swahili language, I often forget words that I learn. Some days I just can't make them stick in my head. In order for them to find a permanent place in my memory, I need to use them or there needs to be a context. Usually, there is a word of the day for me. This past Friday, I learned two new words! Kwama and matope which means stuck and mud. Any guesses as to how I learned those words? That's right, you guessed it. What an adventure! The rainy season definitely makes life interesting here.

We were heading up to the village of Likamba Friday morning. As we turned off the tarmac road, I quickly realized that it was going to be a slippery day. However, I am not sure why but the roads to Likamba have had a lot of erosion. Looking over the valley you see endless paths of ditches that are between 5 - 15 feet deep. The terrain is hilly and a bit trecherous. Since the previous week we had gotten stuck towards the end of the trip and had to walk, I was hoping that things would go a bit differently. As we were driving past a particularly deep ditch, I had a vision of our truck laying on the side stuck in the ditch. So, I turned around and asked Isack if he had already prayed for our journey. At that moment, the slipping into the ditch began.... Thankfully, our driver was able to put the car into park before we fell in. I, on the other hand, was not so lucky. After getting out of the car, I quickly checked out the consistency of the mud. I felt it was important to fully understand how wet the mud was. Before completely falling, I caught myself with my hands. It took a lot of leaves to get the mud off!

While we assessing the situation, several men walked by. From what I understand, they planned to just pass us by and assumed that no one spoke Masaai. However, both the driver and Miriam(our admin) are Masaai and quickly greeted them. The men reluctantly decided to help. The ground needed to be dug up to try to give the tires some traction. So, Miriam went to one of the huts nearby to get a pick and a hoe. After a lot of digging and a lot of mud later, the car was able to be lifted over onto the better patch. Once the tires were able to get some traction, the driver took off. Because we were not sure if it was safe, the driver took the car and we walked. In case any of you are thinking about walking in the mud, please wear shoes other than flip flops. They are not the easiest to walk in. I almost slipped SO many more times. Everyone had to help me and I felt like an idiot! There was nothing left to do but laugh and enjoy my time skating on the mud.

Eventually we felt like it was safe to get in the car again. However, not to long after we ended up in a ditch. The car was half in and half out on its side. Getting out of the car was a bit of an adventure. I am not sure how, but the truck was able to drive and eventually right itself. Once again, however we walked. I couldn't help but laugh that we would walk and the car would drive. I felt like what was the point in bringint the truck if we were just going to walk. This time, we just walked all the way to our final destination. Needless to say, we were a bit late. Since it is Africa, we actually arrived before anyone else. Sweet Miriam washed my feet, what a servant. I tried to protest but she insisted. It definitely gave me more of an idea of what it meant to wash someone's feet during the time of Christ. After all that traveling, people would want to have their feet clean because they would be DIRTY. To have someone that you respect washing your feet was very humbling.

Going back was not quite as adventurous, THANK GOD! We have learned that we need to travel with our own pick and hoe!

Building Relationships

2008-04-23T05:11:00.000-07:00

During my months here, I have quickly learned the value of building good relationships with others. Of course, the people that I work with are of the utmost importance. However, the man that I buy my fruit from, the one I buy vegetables from, the butcher, the woman at the store that has western goods have all become people that I have gotten to know well over the past year. Now knowing them by name and being able to greet them has made life easier and nicer. I know what to expect and it is familiar. One area that has been a little unexpected and maybe even a little unwanted is the Medical Clinic. They all know me now. The place has become familiar. I am incredibly thankful that the people there are very kind and helpful but I wouldn't mind seeing less of them. =) I have been sick for a week and not able to get better so I finally got over my stubbornness and went AGAIN to the doctor. Bacteria.... ICK!

Balance

2008-04-21T03:34:00.001-07:00

Do you ever achieve balance? Are there people out there that know how to handle things and respond to things with a clear head and keep things in perspective? I am sure there are, I am just not one of them. I tend to be a person of extremes in just about everything. Since living here, I feel as though this has been magnified. How do you not make your life your work? Especially as a single person? I know God does not need me, but I don't think I really believe it. When what I am doing affects the lives of so many, it is hard to not feel like things have to be done all the time. How do I take time to just sit at home relaxing when that means that the children at one of the villages might not get their porridge when they need it. How do I go over to a friend's home to have fun when there are children suffering? How do live in a world surrounded by poverty and need and spend $9 on Frosted Flakes? I did it. Today, I just really wanted some Frosted Flakes. As soon as I get to my car, there is a street child begging for money. I know that money is not the answer but it is hard to know what to do. The other night we watched "Runaway Bride." Who doesn't like the love story, but for me it was seeing the countryside, the leaves changing colors, the sight of something familiar. I miss America. But then there are times that I think, how can I go back to normal when I know what I know now and have seen what I have seen. I know that the only reason I am here is because God has called me here, but sometimes I just feel all turned around and upside down.

The value of life

2008-04-14T11:26:00.000-07:00

During my short stint here so far, I have learned things that just make me cry. Sometimes I just don't know how to respond. I do not know what to do in the face of so much despair and poverty. Like today when I pull into my very nice gated house and see this little old women sitting looking lost, alone, and hungry; the street children that greet me every time I get out of my car in town, the man sitting crippled on the side of the street. When I pass it on the street, I feel at a loss for what to do.

However, I know that the ministry that I am blessed to be a part of is doing something about it. One of the tragedies of one of the tribes here is that if a child is born with any deformities or disabilities, then he/she is killed. Can you imagine what it must be like to kill your own child? To kill it because you know that you will be ostracized and cast out if you do not? To be lied to and told that it does not have any value? But you have to know that when you kill that precious baby, that you have taken life? What happens to a heart after it has killed another? A child in the village of Mairowa lost both of his legs when he was a young child. The mother stood in defiance of her culture and did not kill him. Our ministry helped the child find help: money for an operation, prosthetics, and a special school. What is even more amazing is now that 15 year old boy has returned home walking. The tears of his family were running with reckless abandon. There was a special time of thanksgiving and prayer. People came from all over, even Kenya, and several towns close by. The District Commissioner came which is a huge honor. One man who is also disabled came and spoke. He brought his two beautiful children and wife with him. He is even a doctor! The people could not believe it. Can you imagine what it must be like for people who have thrown children like them away to see that there is value in life? Even though they are supposed to kill, some just hide their children away. They were challenged to bring them forward. Three did and now will be able to get help. Unbelievable! God is definitely in the business of transformation!

God's sense of humor

2008-04-10T06:01:00.000-07:00

When my family and I first moved to Georgia when I was sixteen, it took us a little while to find the shortcuts. However, with my dad and I on the case it was not too long. Both of us are quite determined to find the quickest, best, most efficient way to do just about anything. So, you can imagine my excitement when I discovered a new shortcut to one of the main roads. I distinctly remember coming and telling my dad, but he said he had found the fastest way. In the end, we had ourselves a challenge. We needed to clock the mileage for each way. My dad's was 4.1 and mine..... 1.6!! I was the winner! (Not competitive at all) I put that on the refrigerator. I wish this was a lone story in the history of my childhood, but it is not. Throughout my life, I have been on the search for the most efficient, best way to do things even things like loading the dishwasher. I cannot stand inefficiency. To make matter worst, I went to an engineering school and even studied more ways to make things better and more efficient. This is me, for better or for worse, it is me.

Then, what does God do. God calls me to a place where relationships are valued over efficiency. Interesting, don't you think. Find the most efficient method, is just about impossible because things change so much. I needed to go and get an Xray for my foot. We were told that the technician at one hospital would be there at 9am. So we showed up, at 9am. No technician. By now, I should not be suprised. No one was really sure where he was. He never showed the night before. He is out traveling. He could be back anytime. They just told me to wait, but by now I know better, ask more questions! What does anytime mean I ask? Later today? Maybe, or maybe tomorrow or maybe next week. I figured that waiting could take a while.

So, we went to another hospital. Finding how to see the doctor was a bit challenging. People just kept going in to the room with the doctor even people that had come after me. Since I could not walk very well, it made it a bit difficult to beat anyone to the door. Thank God for Julia. She got me in. Of course, once I was in, I still had to wait for 15 minutes for the doctor and nurse to talk. Once they finished, he said, "Hello, mzungu" Clearly, he did not realize that I had understood everything that he and the nurse had been talking about. He asked what happened, never once looking at my foot or examining me. Sent me off to get an Xray. That technician was of course no where to be found and no one really knew where he was or when he would be back.

At this point, I wish I could say that I responded with grace and humility and was an example for Christ. But, alas that was not to be. The result was me telling the nurse who was trying to find the xray technician, that I was sorry that her hospital was so poorly run. My emotions got the better of me. My foot was in a lot of pain and I was aghast at the complete inefficiency of the methods. Oh well..... Maybe God is trying to teach me something....

The Klutz strikes again

2008-04-07T05:02:00.000-07:00

When you read stories of missionaries, you often find that they have suffered from various illnesses such as malaria, typhoid, etc. I know that having malaria is horrible and serious, but getting it while you are missionary seems almost romantic, suffering Jesus, laying your life down. Please do not get me wrong, I DO NOT WANT MALARIA! However, those illnesses come from going to another country to serve God. To me, it seems like there is almost a nobility to them.

A story that I read as a child was called, "Megan the Klutz." The sequel which was almost as good was called, "The Klutz strikes again." To my knowledge, I do not think that those were based on my life but they could have been.

Throughout my life, I have been brutally aware of my inability to walk and talk at the same time, that coordination was just one of those things I do not have. I trip on flat ground. I walk into walls. I don't see the cord in the front of my classroom and fall over in front of all of my students. I sit down on a chair that isn't quite in the right spot and miss it once again in front of my class. Yes, this is the life of a klutz, my life.

I hoped that my tendency to fall would have been left back in the states. Surely that now that I am a missionary, I would finally be graceful. That was not what happened. Last Wednesday, I was coming out of a night of amazing worship with all of our teachers and just simply walking down a few steps. By now, I should know better. PAY ATTENTION! Do not walk and talk at the same time. But, I did not, and I fell just like I usually do. This time I drew a huge crowd. The pain was bad enough for me to almost pass out. My ankle quickly grew tennis ball size and now it has all sorts of pretty shades of blue and purple. The Klutz strikes again!

The Hills are Alive....

2008-03-24T01:37:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite all time movies is the Sound of Music. My parents are fully aware of this because I used to play the soundtrack over and over again and dance around my room. A little embarassing to admit now, but true. =) For those of you who haven't seen it, the opening seen is Maria played by Julie Andrews singing and twirling around in the mountains of Austria. She is singing the hills are alive with the sound of music. Throughout the beautiful melody, you see how much she loves her country and her life and relishes the wonder in the place that she calls home.

Tanzania is a amazing country. I live near Mt. Meru and often have an unbelievable view of Mt. Kilimanjaro especially when I travel to a few of our villages. Often, in my short stint here so far, I felt like Maria. I have been in awe of the beauty that surrounds me and want to sing in praise to my God for bringing me here. The people, the countryside, and so much more are wonderful.

Then.... there are other days..... Recently, I have been having a few more of the other days mostly brought on because of my desperate pursuit for working internet. Because of the amount of traveling that I do plus several other issues, having internet at my home seemed like it would be incredibly beneficial. However, as my roommate so eloquently put it, we live in the Bermuda triangle of internet world. I will spare you the details of my sordid saga but sordid it is! There is one last ray of hope, please pray!

Hello!

2008-03-06T22:29:00.000-08:00

Hello all of my faithful readers! I am so sorry for my lack of input lately! Please pray for internet. There is a whole sordid saga of a story there. My roommate thinks we live in the Bermuda triangle of internet and the office is not always reliable, plus I travel. Yowsers! God is good. Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement. I should be writing a real blog soon because there has definitely not been a shortage of interesting adventures.

What a Day!

2008-02-28T06:55:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have those days where you feel like you have accomplished a lot? You know one of those days where you feel like everything has fallen into place and your hard work is starting to show? You know those days when you come home from work feeling energized, on top of the world, and just plain good? Today was one of those days for me. Throughout my time here, I have known that it would take time to build relationships to be able to go deeper, and get to the nitty gritty of things. However, patience has never been one of my strengths! Not only relationships, but also just understanding how things work here, what the processes are, who to talk to, etc. etc. With any new job, it takes a while to figure your way around and here I am adding a new country, new culture, new language, and stuff so it has taken a while. I still have more to learn but today was just good. We were able to get so much accomplished and really talk through a lot of the issues that we have been facing at one of the projects. In addition, we were able to be creative and figure out how to tackle them and even do that without getting outside funding. I felt like we were really communicating which so often I do not feel like because the culture here is indirect communication and protecting the relationship at all costs and sometimes that means telling me what they think I want to hear instead of reality. I feel like today significant progress was made in that area. WOW! Praise God! What a day!

This is WAR!

2008-02-21T23:01:00.000-08:00

Okay, now these mice or rats are becoming arrogant. Last night, Julia and were sitting on our couch talking and we both saw out of the corner of our eyes a little fur ball scurrying across the floor. We look but to no avail. Just a short while later, the fiesty little guy runs across the floor in our living room. I am not sure but I think he stopped, stared at us, and stuck his tongue out at us. We moved the couches, lifted them up, banged around with a broom, and nothing. I think those annoying rodents were in the wall having a good laugh at our expense.

We even set up a new trap but it hasn't worked yet. We put a bottle that has peanut butter on it on the end of a broom over a bucket of water. So, if they climb up and try to get the peanut butter, they will slip in and DROWN! We will not lose this battle!

We have talked about watching some movies for research purposes such as Cinderall and Ratatouille. If anyone has any suggestions, we are desperate!

Really?

2008-02-21T01:51:00.000-08:00

I want you to know that I have always been prone to exaggeration especially as a means to appear funny. So, when I was writing about the internet only working on Wednesdays, a full moon, and solar eclipses, I was trying to be funny. I was trying to make light of an enormously infuriating situation. Because the internet has been worse than normal this week, I have found myself going to use internet cafes. Yesterday was the first day that it worked this week and it worked quite well. AND, wouldn't you know it was a Wednesday and there was a full moon! Hilarious!

And, right now my biggest nemesis is a mouse! This pesky little mouse is absolutley brilliant. I think and fear that there actually might be a whole team of them. We have food that is sitting on top of a three foot table that only has thin metal rods for legs. But, still they can get it. Do they climb on each other's shoulders? Is there one mouse on a rope that is being lowered by the others through the roof? Can mice climb walls like spiderman? Are our mice relatives of mighty mouse and have the ability to fly? No matter what we do or what we try they are one step ahead of us! But, fear not! I am not giving up. If these mice want to fight, then it is fight they will get. I will not be beat by a rodent!

The day the President came

2008-02-17T22:06:00.000-08:00

Today was the day that the President came to our humble little home of Arusha, Tanzania. President George W. Bush is here! As I am sure many of you know, he is making a tour of several East African countries with his longest stay being in Tanzania. We heard rumors that he might be coming to Arusha as well as Dar es Salaam but we were not sure when. A guy that came out to inspect the possibility of internet sent us a text saying today! I think that my invitation might have gotten lost in the mail to lunch. Oh well.

We heard that the main road into town was going to be closed for most of the day to the President, so we left early for work. Our office is right off the main road so we were excited about the chance to see the President. Every time a car went by, we would get excited. Keep in mind that this road is completely closed except for official business, for cars that is. People had to walk miles because there was no local transport. There were children with American and Tanzanian flags, people with shirts with the American Flag or a picture of Bush on it. They even had kitanges (material that women where as skirts) made special for the occasion with both flags and a picture of President Bush. I am doing everything in my power to get one of those! =) After several hours, we began to lose hope and decided to walk a little to see if he might be in another location. There were hundreds, maybe thousands of people all standing around waiting for the chance to see the president. AWESOME!

Eventually, he did come with quite a big entourage. There were two big, black SUV's with tinted windows that were in the middle. I am assuming that he was in one of those. I may not have seen him but I am pretty sure I stood out in the sea of black faces. So, now he knows me! =)

The Georgia Tech bond

2008-02-14T23:11:00.000-08:00

One thing that I have always found interesting is that anytime you meet someone that went to Georgia Tech, there is an instant connection. They know your pain, the torture you went through! There is a bond. So, when I found out that Jeff Foxworthy went to Tech, I felt that bond. So in light of that I am going to try and tap into his comedic genius.... I am going to adjust it a little to fit life here though. So here goes, my first attempt at humor..... (Please know that my ego even likes fake chuckles, you know the polite ones so the person does not feel stupid) =)

You know you might be living in Africa if ....
.... you see a 50lb girl carrying a 70lb bunch of bananas on her head while holding a machete while you are breathing hard carrying your 5lb backpack.
.... having running water and power in the same day is a special sign of love from the government.
.... taking a plane to the States to carry the message is quicker than waiting for your computer to load the email, turn off, try again, and then continue the process.
.... having internet that works and that does not take 20 minute for each email only happens on the first Wednesday of every month, on a full moon, or during a solar eclipse.
... you have to choose between a squatty potty that smells so bad that you might lose consciousness and one with 50 flying cockroaches.
... cars driving straight towards one another is not cause for concern
.... there is no such thing as a full car.
.... a raging river going over the road you are about to pass does not mean you should turn around just simply hold on and pray.
...taking your time has a whole new meaning.

So, I am not sure if you are laughing or not, but remember fake chuckles are just fine! Living in Africa is never dull!

Examples of God's goodness

2008-02-09T07:58:00.000-08:00

There are times here that I feel like I am living life upside down and backwards. Nothing feels the same. Even the simplest things feel different. And, I definitely struggle with trust issues! I am not sure why. God reminds me of his faithfulness again and again but still I struggle with trusting Him. Even though He is taking care of me and looking out for me, I feel like I have to do it. As I was praying yesterday about this, God brought to mind a memory from my freshman year of college.

It was my first quarter as a freshman at Georgia Tech. Finally, Independence! I am a big girl now! I can handle anything. Yeah Right! November of that year, I got some pretty bad food poisoning or so I thought. Several days later, I was still pretty bad. I tried going to classes but was having a hard time and something just did not feel right. I am not sure why, but something said go to the hospital. Since I did not have a car, I called dad who lived about 45 minutes away. Even though it was late and it was a work night, there was no hesitation. The next thing I knew my dad was there. It felt like only a few moments had passed. While we were driving, I felt like I was being silly and dramatic. I was sure it was nothing and it would pass soon. However, my dad still thought it would be good to go to the hospital. For the first time ever, we got in right away at the emergency room. I barely remember anything except for all of a sudden I was on a bed with lots of wires stuck in me. I was not sure what was going on, but my dad was by my side the whole time handling everything. Throughout the night, I would doze in and out as several doctors would come in. Most of that time is hazy, but the one thing I do remember is that my dad never left me. Every time I woke up, there he was at my bedside holding my hand. I felt like I was in a fog. Doctors were talking to my dad and arranging the procedure and going through the process of admitting me. Not once did I feel fear or anxiety. I felt taken care of the whole time. My dad was there. I trusted him completely and felt safe and loved. I knew everything was going to be okay.

So, after praying I realized that was a glimpse of how God loves me and takes care of me. He is always there working on my behalf even when I do not completely understand what is going on. Life can seem hazy and upside down but God never lets go. I can relax and trust Him.

The Great Tickle Fest of 2008

2008-02-08T05:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in the midst of all that is going on here, I get caught up in the tasks. I focus on the books to be purchased, the schools that are being built, finding money for porridge for the children, class schedules, curriculum, developing the child sponsorship, creating systems for things to be more efficient, etc. etc. etc.!

So, yesterday, we traveled to Karanse and in my attempt to be more effective and efficient, I created a list of all the things that needed to be done. As we were driving, I was thinking through everything and how to make sure we got everything done. However, at one point, I had nothing to do. We were waiting for the school children to have a break and Julia was taking pictures of the smaller children for sponsorhsip updates. I had talked with the social workers and the teachers and given them all roles and tasks to make sure things got done. But, then I was left with nothing to do. I just had to wait for the children to each of their picture taken. So, I stopped and looked around. And, there were tons of the cutest little kids just sitting on the grass. What person in their right mind would not go sit and join them? How fun! The crowd around me continued to grow and the kids just wanted to touch me and we played a little and sang some songs. From out of nowhere, I had this urge to just start tickling! The laughs, the squeals, the giggles were contagious. They could not get enough. Soon, kids were just walking up to me holding out their bellies to be tickled. Hilarious! And, then the tides turned! I had all these little fingers tickling me. I could not breathe I was laughing so hard. I was tickling them, then tickling me. It became this huge tickle fest! In the midst of the laughter and the smiles, I remembered while I do all of those tasks.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

2008-02-05T04:47:00.000-08:00

I love flying! I think it is so much fun. I always have. Part of it, I am sure, is due to the fact that my Dad is a pilot and I pretty much think he is the coolest ever! These past several weeks I have been a traveling maniac! I have been on the road so much. When I came back to the office today, everyone was hugging me and greeting me and so excited because it has been so long since I was last here. Last week, I spent most of the week in a village called Kondoa which is about a 5 - 7 hour drive from Arusha where I live on roads that are "slightly" bumpy. When you get out of the car, it takes hours for your body to stop vibrating. =) However, yesterday, I went there by using an airplane! I like that way MUCH better.

Just flying was fun but going into a village where everyone comes out to greet you makes it even more enjoyable. The runway looks like nothing more than a dirt path but it gets the job done. Yesterday, after going to see the school, we went to several homes of the children at the school. We had so much fun visiting the children and their families at their homes. While we were at the homes, the teacher explained to the family that we were the people that came on the plane yesterday. Hilarious! As we left today, we once again had a big crowd and after we took off, I saw that a whole school had come out to look at us up in the sky. What a blast! They were so thrilled to see us and just giggled and squealed with delight!

I want to hold your hand

2008-02-03T05:08:00.000-08:00

I have three of the cutest nieces in the whole wide world. I love them so much and miss them terribly. Life with them is never boring. One story in particular sticks out in my memory. While taking the two five year olds to the dog park one day, there was a some hurt feelings. I would hold the dog leash with one hand their hands with the other. Each was holding one of my fingers. That did not last long, so eventually they took turns holding my hand. One soon became angry at the other because I held her hand longer. I could not help but laugh even though to them it was so important, it was a sign of my love.

Throughout my time here, there have been multiple times where I have had similiar situations in the villages with the children here. You literally have one child per finger and they are all fighting for the chance to be held. In one of the villages, Kondoa, one girl in particular is the fiercest fighter for my attention. Every time I come, she makes a run for me. This precious little five year old girl. She has the huge smile and seems so desperate for attention and love, sometimes even to the point of being rude to other children (which I address). This past visit, I had the opportunity to go to her home. Since she knew we were coming, she was able to leave early from school to go home. When we arrived, we noticed that she had changed and put on her best outfit. She would not let go the whole time I was there in her home. As I talked with her great aunt, in their tiny little mud house, I began to understand some of her behaviour. Her father left, I am not sure about her mother. Her grandmother died and now this little five year old girl is being taken care of by her 80 year old great aunt. Fatina, the little girl, is definitely loved by her great aunt but you can sense the loneliness and fear in her. Nothing in me wanted to leave. I just wanted to stay and live there and help take care of this precious little girl. However, I am so thankful for the amazing teachers at our school who love her, guide her, shepherd her, and so much more. Her future will be different.

One woman's story

2008-01-24T04:52:00.000-08:00

I thought I would share the story of woman that I have become friends with here in Tanzania. I first met her when she brought her child to the village of Mairowa because she heard there were doctors and desperately wanted help for her precious little boy. Within only a moment, you know why she is desperate. Her child's head is at least three sizes larger than a normal head; he has hydrosypholus, fluid on the brain. Her love for her child is so evident and so amazing in a culture when children like this are often dismissed, just thrown away. She has wonderful smile that just seems to light a room and affect all that are around her. Honestly, the first time I saw her child, I was taken aback. I could not take my eyes off the child. Then, I realized that except for his head, he was just like any other child. He liked to play and crawl around and laugh at the simple things. Raising a child like that in any culture is different but especially Masaai. She loved her child enough to go with him to the hospital, even though the car ride made her sick and she had to go to a hospital that has dead people that she is afraid to be around. When you visit her home, you realize she is a bit of an outcast. The people in her tribe live in a circle of huts together. One of them is for the husband, the rest for all of his wives. She is outside of the circle. Entering her home is difficult, esepcially for someone as tall as me. Despite her meager resources, she has created a home that is warm and full of love. I asked her about her life and if she was able to get any help. Her husband is too old to help, at least forty years her senior. She was sold by her father to be a wife for cows and is too far away from her family to get help from them. Then, her two eldest daughters were taken from her and sold by her husband and now live far away. I realized that her whole life is her children. When I asked how I could pray for her, she only thought of her child. I asked how she was doing and how she was feeling but she said she thought only of her son. While listening to her, I realized that she has never been allowed to have feelings of her own. She has never counted as a person, never had worth of her own, only the amount of cows she would bring to her father and then by producing daughters, cows she would bring to her husband. No one has ever cared for her, loved her, or showed interest in her feelings. What will happen when all of her children leave? What will she do? How will she feel? I have no idea....

Completely Gone!

2008-01-18T02:00:00.000-08:00

Do you remember your first job interview, or really any job interview? Do you remember your hands getting all sweaty, your voice getting a little high pitched, and your mouth feeling like you just ate a bottle of glue? Do you remember everything that you ever learned was completely gone from your mind? Or maybe it's there but any ability to access it was gone all together?

We just finished a training seminar for the pastors and committee members from all of our projects. I knew all of these men. I have worked with them often. Even though they are all very kind, gracious, and humble, I was scared out of my wits to teach them! I am a whole lot younger, a woman, white, and not a pastor. Who am I to teach them anything! The project coordinators wanted me to try and teach as much as I could in Swahili. I could not even remember hello. All swahili went poof and I was left with nothing but a very dry, cotton mouth and a group of pastors staring at me expectantly. I thought is it too late to run, do I suddenly feel sick, should I say just read this material and let me know if you have any questions. Somewhere inside of me was a little bit of reason left, so I stayed and taught and eventually the Swahili came to me. I still needed a lot translated but things went better as time went on.

Actually, things finished really well. I was so amazed. We had great discussions and interaction. I even think that we will do this again! Go God!

Crisis in Kenya

2008-01-15T23:34:00.000-08:00

As I am sure many of you have heard, there is a lot of unrest right now in Kenya. What is interesting to me is that when I lived in the States, all the situations that are going all over the world seemed so far away. They seemed like they did not really affect me. You hear on the news about all of the killing in the Sudan, Zimbabwe, Democratic Republic of Congo, and lots of other places. To hear about the massive amounts of killing would make me feel sad, but then I would just return to live as usual. But now, I live in Africa. All of these things are not so far away now distance wise but still in my mind they seem far away.

One of the men that I work with took his young brother up to Kenya for school and was trapped there without a way home. He said he saw people killing each other in the streets, cars being set a blaze, screaming, crying, and so much more. We have a friend from Canada that works in Kenya staying with us because her village is right in the heart of the violence. One of her co-workers walked out of her home and saw a body chopped into pieces. Can you imagine the horror of seeing that? Can you imagine seeing friends killing friends, attacking women and children? One group sought sanctuary in a church and it was a trap. Women and children were chopped to death with machetes and then burned.

Even though I now hear about this first or secondhand, it still seems so far away. I had planned to go to Nairobi next week and will not go now because of all of the violence. Other than that, my life has not really been affected. The world that most people know is that world that I grew up in. Security, stability, peace, and freedom is what I knew but not most of the world. I think that I thought that I could make more of a difference being over here, but I still feel just as far away.

Today and for the next two days, there will be rallies or protests in Kenya that the current government says are illegal so more violence is expected. Please pray for wisdom and humility for the leaders. Please pray that the violence would not escalate.

To be clear, I am far from all of the violence and completely safe. Thank you for all your prayers and concern.

Myriad of Emotions

2008-01-12T05:53:00.000-08:00

The past two weeks I have been traveling quite a bit to our five villages as we prepare to open the schools. Seeing God answer our prayers has been so amazing. I am so thankful for all that He has done and all that He continues to do. During this time, there have been so many emotions as I experience life here.

First off was a moment that just made me laugh. I was with several of the teachers at the bookstore getting school supplies. After all the boxes were packed, we needed to take them to the car. One of the boxes was rather large and heavy and difficult to carry. Two men were struggling to carry it. One of our female teachers watched the struggle and even though she is smaller than both of the men, she walked up to them took the box, put it on top of her head and walked out of the store as if it was nothing. Love African women!

Next in line was one of those moments that just hurts. After a parent meeting that was under a tree, we fed all the parents a meal. Many of the women were in shock to be served by a Mzungu, "a white person". Once the meal finished, I was outside talking to some people. The rice was cooked in giant pots and the bottom layer had gotten quite burnt. I watched as a group of children waited by the side of the kitchen and got the pot of burnt rice. They quickly seized the pot and all began to scrape the bottom of the pot, desperate for food. My heart just sank. What do you do with that?

A few days later, I went to another one of the villages to help in the preparation process for the school. I have been to all the villages so many times now and am thankful that my relationships with the people are deepening. This village in particular has one of the highest AIDS rates in the country. And, so many of the children going to our school there are AIDS orpans. As I was standing by our car playing with the children, I just began to cry. The smiling faces of these beautiful children have been a bright spot for me countless times before. Why am I crying now? We are starting a school, this is a good thing, so why does my heart hurt now? You look at these children and just wonder what will their future be. The need so often feels overwhelming.

These are just a few of the stories that have filled my life these past two weeks. God seems to be showing so much...

Complete Powerlessness

2008-01-07T00:55:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt completely powerless? Have you felt trapped like you are not able to do anything to change or improve your situation? Have you ever felt like you could not do anything? I know that so many people live life that way. This past Saturday night, I had that feeling. As we were driving home from the airport late, we happened to see a group of people on the side of the road. There was probably only 6 or 7 people and I think two of them were women. As we got closer, we realized that one of the men was beating one of the women. He knocked her down to the ground and then picked her up and knocked her back down again. He was dragging and hitting her over and over. What do you do? Should I get involved? Is it wise? It isn't good to just let a woman get beat. Surely there is something that we can do? But if we go over there without knowing the situation are we going to get beat up as well? But shouldn't I be willing to help? But it is a risk... But shouldn't I be willing to risk? If you are not willing to help others at risk to yourself, then are you living the life that God has called you to live? Aren't we supposed to lay our life down for others? But, would I really be any help? My swahili is not strong enough to argue? I felt trapped. We pulled over onto the side of the road near the people as did a few other cars. I hoped that just by stopping that maybe they would stop. As we were discussing what we should do, a man from another car got out. He looked like he was willing to help and he looked more able. However, as he walked by our car, we realized that he was carrying a gun. OH MY GOODNESS! What is he going to do? Is he going to use it or just show it to scare them? People here get beat up if you are just supsected of being a thief. There is no 911 to call. I have even been stopped to give police a ride somewhere. There is nothing that they can or will do. Do we just leave? Getting involved at this point definitely did not seem wise but can we just leave that woman? I felt so powerless. We did leave. As we left, I could nothing but pray. I pray that that woman is okay and will one day find freedom from oppression. I pray that the overwhelming sense of helplessness would no longer be the dominant feeling here. I pray that God would do a mighty work in transforming this country. I pray that I would know what to do

An inside look

2008-01-03T23:36:00.000-08:00

Let me give you a bit of an inside look into the type of conversations that I have with God.

Me: "Lord Jesus, I pray that you will help us find teachers for our project schools."
God: "Will do, no problem"
Me: "No, I don't think you understand God. It is too difficult. "
God: "No, I do understand, I am working things out, you will see. "
Me: "God, do you really understand how difficult it is. Let me explain. There are very few teachers in general here in Tanzania."
God: "Yes, I know"
Me: "Okay, well did you also know that very few of them are Christians"
God: "Yes, I am working on that as well. "
Me: "Well, many claim to be Christians but actually are not, it is more a cultural thing. You are either a Muslim or Christian. We need people that love God and are willing to serve them. That is difficult to find."
God: "Meagan, remember I created the whole universe in six days, this is small potatoes."
Me: "God, are you reallly listening? There is no way you can do this. Most of the qualified teachers do not want to go in live in a village and live in difficult circumstances."
God: "I can handle difficult situations. I have some experience."
Me: "God, it is not just one project but five. How can you ever work that out? These teachers need to love Jesus, love children, have a heart to serve, work well with the other teachers. At the new schools we need strong leadership and a sense of unity."
God: "Trust me"
Me: "I do trust you, but I just don't think you understand how difficult it will be."
God: "Trust Me"
Me: "Ok, I guess I will trust you and see what happens."
God: "Look at the nations and watch and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe even if you were told." (Habbakuk 1:5) "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be good in my house. Test me in this, says the Lord Almighty, and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." (Malachi 3:10).

And wouldn't you know it, God did exactly what He said he would do, even though I pretty much tried to convince him otherwise. I truly am utterly amazed. God has brought amazing teachers to work with us. Things have come together in a way that only God can get the credit for! I am so thankful that God does not need me to be a strong, faithful Christian to use me. He uses a broken, faithless, questioning vessel.

The Land of the Living

2007-12-31T00:03:00.000-08:00

I have finally returned to the land of the living and it feels a bit surreal. I feel like I was caught in some alternate universe and have returned to find out that the rest of the world is four days ahead of me. What am I talking about? I was a bit sick these past few days. Actually, sicker than I can ever remember. It came on pretty strong Thursday, in the middle of the night. I wanted it all so desperately to end and be better but it continued. As I was praying, I realized that I needed to pray not for a way out but for God's strength to endure and awareness of His presence and comfort while I was going through it all. His mercy was not in an instant fix but in His everlasting presence. My roommate, Julia, went over and above what any roommate should ever have to do for another and I felt so loved and blessed. Several others rallied in prayer and encouragement here. I am so thankful that God has pulled me through all that. Definitely glad that all the yuckiness is over! I am still a bit weak and get tired easily so please pray for strength as things are about to hit the ground running with all the schools starting a week from today.

Exceedingly more

2007-12-24T00:17:00.000-08:00

At my church, we often hear the verse Ephesians 3:20, which says, "Now unto Him who is able to exceedingly more than all we ask or imagine, according to the power within us." I know God is able and I know He is good but I so rarely live life actually believing that God will do exceedingly more. As I have said countless times before, I struggle with faith in believing God and His promises. I usually think I need to pick myself up by my bootstraps and do it myself. God helps those who help themselves. I don't actually think that is in the Bible and it might be the completely opposite of what God tells us. I know for a fact that it is the opposite of what God has done for me.

As many of you know, I have been hard at work studying Swahili. I am so thankful for God's grace and provision as I struggle to learn this language. I have often prayed for God's help in learning the language. But nothing really more than that. I never really prayed for who would be my swahili teacher or anything else along those lines. So, you want to see exceedingly more I will show you exceedingly more. My swahili teacher is not only an amazing teacher that has helped me learn this language so quickly but she is an amazing woman who loves the Lord. She has become a mentor to me spiritually as well as linguistically and culturally. She regularly prays for me and has such a strong faith in God. She believes what she says. She challenges me, encourages me, loves me, and supports me. Never once did I pray for this. But God, in his goodness provided.

Next in line is the teacher situation. We have been in desperate need for teachers in many of our villages. Finding qualified teachers is difficult. Finding teachers who are willing to live in the villages instead of the city is even more difficult. Finding teachers who are strong Christians and want to teach as a ministry in a way that is different from the government is just about impossible. Enter my lack of faith once again.... Mwika is the village that has a large amount of AIDS orphans. If you go there once an visit those children, you will never be the same again. I thought we could find teachers, but I figured that they would not be all that good and I would be spend a lot of time training and helping them. No faith! Exceedingly more strikes again! We had a teacher who had graduated from JTTC (The Christian Teachers College) approach us about a job. Never in a million years did I think we would find someone from there. They all already have jobs. The other two women are strong and experienced as well. Last Friday, we took them to Mwika to see the village to see the pastor and the school. While I sat and watched them interact, I was blown away. They so quickly bonded together and lots of ideas and plans. When they saw the school and the children, each of the woman expressed her excitement about coming. God did so much more than I could ever have asked or imagined.

I could go on and on, but I won't.... God is so good. As I look back over this year and my life in general, I am so grateful and humbled. Thank you all so much for being a part of this with me!

Merry Christmas!

Not so different....

2007-12-20T00:59:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, I traveled to Karansi. What a wonderful day! Every time I go out to the villages, I feel so encouraged. Being with the teachers and the children brings me so much joy. As we were driving out there yesterday, we got caught behind a very slow car that did not seem to have a lot of confidence. When we finally passed her, the driver said, "Oh.. yeye ni msichana," which means she is a female. Even in another country on the other side of the world, women get a bad name as drivers.

Once we arrived at the school and unloaded all the school supplies, I decided to play with the children. Since school is already out, the children are just hanging around, playing soccer and other games. I went into one of the classrooms where several girls from 5th and 6th grade were playing. I couldn't help but laugh when I realized they were playing make believe. One group of girls was a bad family, the other was a good family. They pretended to be cooking, cleaning, and getting ready. They even pretended to be to have conversations as husband and wife, in the bad family the husband was very mean and drank too much. That part was a little sad....

So, yesterday, I felt overwhelmed by differences, but today by God's grace I was able to see the similiarities. Men still think women can't drive. Women still get defensive about it. Children still play make believe. We are all created by the same God.

By the way, I was able to have long conversations about work and life, joke with the teachers, and in general just communicate ALL IN SWAHILI!!! Praise the Lord!

Efficiency vs. Relationship

2007-12-19T01:02:00.000-08:00

As I am sure many of you know, different cultures also mean different ways of communicating. Miscommunication happens often enough in America. Now, imagine living in a different culture, with completely different backgrounds, different education, different language, different everything. Unfortunately, I usually assume that all is well and that because I said it, they understood it. And, I have learned that is not actually the case. Things are interpereted very different here. Not only that, but also indirect communication is the method of choice. In case you are not sure, I am very type A, direct, and task oriented. As an engineer, I value efficiency above all else. Anybody else see some potential for disasters!

Recently, I finished a book called "Cross Cultural Conflict." It is excellent and I highly recommend it and I plan to read it again. The author offers valuable insight on cultures that value indirect communication and he points out again and again how common it is in the Bible. Jesus often used indirect communication especially through parables. So, I have to eat some humble pie and realize that is me that needs to change. Since I definitely struggle with speaking first and talking later, learning to change how I communicate is difficult. I prefer for life to be one big calculus problem that I can solve, but life is much more like art. I was never all that good at art, can't even draw good stick figures.

God's call for me to be in Tanzania is very likely about growing and refining me. I have a lot to learn...

Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas

2007-12-17T04:58:00.001-08:00

Ok, actually not at all, especially for a northern hemisphere girl. Many of you out there have yet to have the privelege of meeting my mom. She does nothing in moderation. I know that some of you are thinking that the apple does not fall far from the tree, but let me tell you, she makes me look tame. All that to say, Christmas decorations. YOWSERS! My mom decorates everything! I think there are at least two trees and every ornament that I ever made over 20 years ago is on that tree. Every ornament is a memory to my mom. Even our bathrooms get decorated. Now, let's move from the inside to the outside. Clark W. Griswald got all of his tips from my dad! I love our house and the beautiful lights. We even usually drive around all the neighborhoods to see the lights. Being cold, drinking hot cocoa,sitting by the fire listening to Christmas carols is definitely one of my all time favorite past times. As we all know, you could not go anywhere and not find Christmas decorations or Christmas music if you wanted.

By this time every year, my mom is about to lose her mind from baking way too many batches of cookies, I have gained at least five pounds from all of the Christmas parties, my dad is going into withdrawal because football season is coming to an end, phone bills are especially high because of calling family, and I just feel crazy and tired from the flurry of Christmas activity.

So, here's the question... Without all of that, how do I make it feel like Christmas? It is strange, I don't really know what to do. It is not so much about being homesick as it is just feeling like things are a bit surreal.

Last night, I heard a man share about how Christmas really is about being a stranger. Mary and Joseph traveled from their home, so did the wise men, and the others. And, of course, Christ, left his home to come to earth to redeem us. So, as I struggle through trying to make sense out of my feelings, I feel blessed to know I am in good company.

Let's Get this Party Started!

2007-12-13T23:24:00.000-08:00

I must admit that there have been times when the idea of worshipping God for the rest of my life in heaven sounded a little boring. The idea of sitting on a cloud holding a harp did not make my heart go pitter patter... As I have learned more about the nature of God and about heaven, I have definitely learned that there is no need to worry, life in heaven will not be boring! Worshipping God is not just about singing, it is so much more than that. God gave us adrenaline for a reason. I have often wondered if He gave man the idea for roller coasters for a reason. Will there be some really fast, high, loopy ones up in heaven or will that feeling of adventure and excitement come in other ways? I am not sure. But, back to the point....

I have to say though my idea of singing and worshipping God has definitely changed. I enjoy singing, especially when in a crowd and no one can hear my voice but God. Trust me! That is how it should be. =) However, worshipping has just been singing for me, occasionally I have gotten a little wild and swayed side to side a bit, but nothing more. Our churches are not designed for dancing and why would we. OH! Are we missing out! I just returned from a three day retreat with the Imara staff and every session began with praise and worship. You could not contain them if you wanted to. They know that God finds joy in them. The freedom to worship God in any way is so refreshing. I must confess that I have started to call it worship aerobics! Hilarious. They have so much fun singing and dancing and they even let rythmless white people like me dance along! They worship God with everything they have, with all their heart and there is no holding them back. They dance and jump and sing and have just have a whole lot of fun! Maybe in my time here, I will finally get some rhythm! But, I love the total and completel freedom and reckless abandon in worshipping our great and mighty God!

Toto I don't think we are in Kansas anymore

2007-12-10T06:54:00.000-08:00

I just love the Wizard of Oz. I think I probably watched it one too many times as a kid. As you can imagine there have been multiple times here that I have been aware that things are just a bit different. I have often chuckled to myself and thought I am definitely not in Kansas anymore. This past weekend was definitely one of those moments. We were meeting with the children and deciding who would be in our school. As we met with the children, the parents or really just mothers sat off to the side waiting to take their children home. In the "carpool line". The women were all sitting together under a tree talking. Of course these women are all Masaai, so they are one of many wives in their respective bomas (or group of homes). They are decorated with lots of beaded jewelry, no shoes or tire shoes, wearing an outfit that is mostly a blanket. As I looked at them and how different they are, I couldn't help but think that they are just like parents in the States. They love their children and want a good education so that life can improve. So many differences, but so many similiarities.

By the way, I haven't clicked my heels three times yet and said "There is no place like home." But I have a feeling if I did, I would open my eyes and still be here because for now this is my home. What a blessing.

PS The internet has not been at its best lately! Sorry for the delay in posting.

Here comes Santa Claus

2007-12-04T02:39:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have one of those moments, where you feel like now I have heard everything? Throughout my short stint here in Africa, there have been multiple times where I feel blown away by the ridiculous. Things are so different: wonderful, strange, and very interesting at times. This past weekend, the international school had a Christmas craft fair. We decided to go and check it out. As we were walking around looking at things, we continued to hear announcements about Santa Claus and for the kids not to leave before they got to see him. You could see the excitement of the kids. The time came and went that Santa was supposed to arrive. A woman would come on the loud speaker and apologize and say that Santa is on his way, but he is just a very busy man. Finally, she got on and said he should be here any moment. Apparently the dala dala, a very tiny little bus with a capacity for 12 people that usually has at least 30, hit a cow on the way. The police had to come. Santa had run out of money. (It is typical here for people to only have just what they need, nothing extra). So, the police had to give Santa money to catch another dala dala the rest of the way! I am pretty sure I have never heard that one before!

Lost in another world

2007-11-29T01:42:00.000-08:00

Arusha has recently hit the big time! That's right, we have a movie theatre! I think the presence of the United Nations and their hunger for entertainment has benefitted the rest of us. Each week it plays one western movie and one Bollywood movie. Very exciting. Of course, the movies are not always quality but beggars cannot be choosers! Last week, we went to see a good movie. It was nice feel good, romantic comedy. After the movie ended and we walked out of the theatre, I realized that I was in Africa. I had gotten so absorbed that I completely forgot. The fact that I live in a developing country had completely left my mind. Then, I felt a little sad. I miss America. I loved my life there. So many times over the past few years, I would stop and be overwhelmed with all the ways that God had blessed me. An amazing job that I loved and felt passionate about that had the best people to work for and work with; a wonderful church where I felt invested in and strong community; quality friends that knew me and loved me, my fantastic family that is way too much fun; and so much more.

I was not running away from life in America. Anything but... The only reason I came is because I know that God called me here. I am exactly where He wants me to be. When the days are long or I feel completely useless or I feel like I have taken ten steps backward, I cling to that truth. God knows what he is doing. He is sovereign. And, what is even more amazing is that He has given me such a love for the people here and I feel so overwhelmed at times with all the ways He has blessed me here. I guess God's blessings are dependent on location, He follows you everywhere!

Happy Turkey day!

2007-11-23T05:15:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe that Thanksgiving has already come and gone. The day kind of came out of nowhere. Without the changing the leaves and cold weather, I think I would often forget that it is fall season which is definitely my favorite time of year. Since most of the people I work with are Tanzanians and the rest are from other western countries, no one else took the day off of work. However, Julia and I decided that we were definitely not going to work on the yummiest of all holidays.

This Thanksgiving looked nothing like any other Thanksgiving I have ever had. We did not have turkey, stuffing, Dad's famous cranberry sauce, my brother's favorite green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, or my favorite pecan pie. We were not with family or even with a big group of people: it was simply Julia and I. Without the usual comforts and delights of this wonderful day, we decided to do something completely different: go hike up to a waterfall. Enjoying God's creation seemed like the best plan possible. The night before when we returned home late from one of the villages, we discovered our car was in pieces... again. The mechanic had to do a lot of work on it and it would not be ready for several days. So, no transportation.

So, what to do... Julia and I slept in a bit and then went to one of the nice hotels in town and had a buffet breakfast. Mmmmm.... so yummy. Afterwards we walked around town a bit and eventually ended up underneat a huge tree sitting on the grass. As we sat there, we shared various stories of God's faithfulness through the years. We told amazing tales of God's goodness, provision, and love. What a sweet time!

Then, we returned home, watched a movie on our computer and made some homemade spaghetti. To give us a taste of the holiday, we made butternut squash with some cinnamon and pumpkin spice. Very good!

While processing through day, I could not help but be overwhelmed with thankfulness for all that God has done for me. How funny that this Thanksgiving looked so different and it was the first time that I think that I really got it....

I hope you all had a wonderful day!

Blessings!

2007-11-19T04:36:00.001-08:00

One of my favorite scriptures is Malachi 3:10 which says, "'Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,' says the LORD Almighty, 'and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.'" As I sat at church on Sunday that is nothing more than some pieces of wood on some tree posts with tarps for a roof overlooking a stunning view of a beautiful hillside, I realized all that God had done for me this past week and felt overwhelmed. He is always looking out for me. He is always caring for me and working on my behalf. I can trust Him.

While admiring God's beautiful creation, I couldn't help but realize all the ways that He has blessed me this week and those are just things that I see and do not include the million things that I did not see. Probably not a suprise to most, but I am a bit of a people person and relationships are of utmost importance to me. Developing relationships takes time especially when you are the new kid on the block. Monday was when I felt like my world was crashing down on me. Tuesday night, a friend that has been hear for several years came by for dinner. We have tried for several months but our traveling schedules never matched. What a blessing to hear from someone that I am normal and this is part of the process. Wednesday night, Julia, my lovely roommate and I went out with a friend from work for dinner and a movie on the lawn. It was fun to do something social. Thursday night, we went to the home of one of the project managers and visited with him and his family. Saturday night, a good friend came over. She is returning back to the UK soon and it was sooooo good to have quality time with her. Finally, Sunday, what a blessing to worship with Tanzanians and to see so many of the people that I work with in a social setting.

Throughout this past week, there have been uncountable ways that God has shown me that He will not leave me or abandon me. He loves me and will always be there. I cannot tell you how much the prayers and words of encouragement have meant to me at a time when I did not think that I would make it another day. I am so overwhelmed by your love and support. Ninakushukuru sana!

Light Bulb moment

2007-11-17T01:27:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have one of those moments where the light bulb turns on and things start to make more sense? You see how things fit together or you see why you have been feeling a certain way. I have definitely been struggling lately for various reasons, one of those reasons has been the language. My relationships can not go deep unless I speak their language. I miss parts of conversations, things take longer, and people are much less likely to listen to me and respect me when I speak in English and use a translator. As I think many of you know, I have been praying that I will be able to converse with ease by Christmas time. I want that click to happen where I do not have to translate everything in my head and I can have deep and meaningful conversations with others. I know that I will acheive fluency by that time but I hope to be well on my way. I began praying that some time this summer and felt like it was from the Lord.

Throughout these past months, I felt like I have made significant progress. I am definitely able to speak a lot more but lately I feel like I am on a plateau and the progression has not been as great. I have begun to doubt God and His faithfulness, even though time and time and time again He has showed me that He is faithful and good.

While I was driving my tutor home yesterday, I had a light bulb moment. Because right now, I can't speak like I hope to in six weeks, I assume that means God isn't faithful. He has not already done what I have prayed will happen in the future. I don't see how it can happen. I feel so far. Then it clicked, Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Having faith in God, means trusting Him even when it doesn't make sense even when it seems impossible. So right now, I am trusting by faith that God will finish the work He has begun. It is not about me, but about Him. I have worried, stressed, freaked out, and so much more over the language. God is able. I can trust Him. He is there.

Would you please pray that I would keep my eyes focused on Him, that He would grow my faith, and that He would continue to deepen my trust?

Survival of the fittest

2007-11-15T04:55:00.000-08:00

If Darwinism really existed, I am not sure that my kind would have survived. We would have been extinct long, long ago. We typically like to pretend that we can handle everything and not pay attention to the warning signs. We could be in a room with a Cobra that is about to attack and not realize because we are lost in our thoughts. We tend to be very black and white unlike most of the world. We tend to not be that patient even though most of the world needs to time to think and process. We tend to not be very gentle even though the people respond better to a gentle touch. We tend to value efficiency over relationships. My species might have survived in the west, but definitely not in Africa. They all would have died off with the dinosaurs. But, still,... I am here.

I am learning that I need to be the one to change and adjust but that I also need to realize what I can and cannot handle and make adjustments accordingly. I went for run yesterday morning. Man, did that feel good. Of course my legs today are a little sore. I haven't gone running since I got here because I get stared enough and I did not want to be this strange white woman going for a run in a country where most people have to walk miles everyday. But, I decided I have to do it. I need to exercise. I need to be able to clear my head even though it is strange culturally. I want to do the best I can to adapt and fit in culturally but I need to recognize that I am still American and that will never change and I need to do some things even if it is considered strange. I am praying and processing through a lot of things to try and figure out what I need to do to help myself.

On Monday, I felt like a sinking ship. I felt like I was going down quickly and I was gasping for air. Today, I feel like my boat is afloat and but still has holes. I am trying to find those holes and repair them so that I can continue sailing through here. Thank you all so much for your prayers they are keeping me afloat!

Not as strong as I thought...

2007-11-12T00:32:00.000-08:00

Do you ever keep on going and just hope that you will be strong enough to handle things? I want to be able to handle things. I do not want to be weak. I do want to be a burden to others. I want to just suck it up, have a good attitude, and perservere. Do you have times where you think it will be fine tomorrow, just keep going? I am not sure that that is actaully dealing with things. Oh well. I usually prefer to pretend rather than be honest. Did you know that it is hard to be far from home, to be far from everything that is familiar, far from family and friends and even my puppy dog, far from help? It is a bit harder than I expected. I grew up overseas. I have traveled a lot. I have been on lots of mission trips. I did foreign exchange programs. I have even been a missionary for a year before. Surely, I should be able to handle all of this. I knew that things will be difficult, but I am tough I can handle it. But apparently, I am not so tough... I am not sure what to say or how to ask you to pray but please pray. Right now more than anything I want to go home see my parents, curl up on the couch with my dog, go on a bike ride with my dad, hang out with my brothers and their families, and laugh with old friends who have known me for years and love me for who I am knowing all my faults. I think this is more than homesickness though. I am not sure.

Marriage is what brings us together today

2007-11-06T21:49:00.001-08:00

Okay, mom, breathe. Breathe in, breathe out. I am not talking about me... Well, sort of, but not really. For those of you that do not recognize that quote, it is from one of the all time best movies and books, "Princess Bride". I highly recommend it. It is the scene where Princess Buttercup is being forced to marry Prince Humperdink. Really, would you want to be Mrs. Humperdink. I think not!

Back to my point, marriage. I haven't actually been married. I hope that I can really say that I haven't been married yet! We'll see. So, if you happen to know a VERY tall, ruggledly handsome, Jesus loving, funny man that has the patience of a saint... But I am getting off topic again. Can you tell that I was ADD as a child?

What I am getting at is that I think being a missionary is a little like being married. Of course, this is all speculation but I have had about 14 roommates get married so this is based on some of what I have heard.

My first couple of trips were like dating. You meet the person and you instantly feel a connection. You can tell that there is something different, something special. You definitely want to pursue this relationship. You get to know them better and really enjoy them. They have quirky cute little habits. As you pray about them, you feel like God is brining you together. Eventually, you feel complete peace and know that God is calling you two together. So, you take the plunge. In my case, you move across the world.

Next, is the the honeymoon stage. You are so excited about the newness. Everything is wonderful. You see each other every day and you don't really care that they make funny sounds and chew with their mouth open. It's okay that they do things differently than you thought. You know that you are exactly where God wants you to be.

But, then the honeymoon ends and you realize to make this work it is going to take a lot of work. To have a successful, God honoring relationship will take a lot of effort, time, patience, compromise, sacfrifice, humility, persistence, love, and so much more. You go deeper and you see underneath the surface. You see the hurt, pains, ugliness, junk and everything else. Loving someone at this level takes commitment and the love of God. You are definitely aware at this point that they are not perfect and those quirky little habits are not so cute anymore. But you still know you are exactly where God wants you to be.

I can relate a lot to those feelings. As I go deeper in my understanding of the people and the culture and what it takes to work here, I realize that I am exactly where God wants me to be but it will take work.

Finishing the Race

2007-11-06T06:22:00.000-08:00

I have always been excellent at starting things but finishing them has never been my strength. I start with such gusto but quickly fade away. So, I do actually like to finish things but that requires details. ARGH! Definitely not my favorite thing. Isn't that what husbands are for? But I digress, let me bring it back to the point. Swahili! Did you know that it is actually quite difficult to achieve fluency in a language especially if you have tendencies towards impatience? I made some great progress early on in the process but now that I actually want to be fluent, I feel so far away. It feels like I will never get there. I doubt my ability to finish what I have started, my track record is not all that good. We have devotions at the office every morning and I find myself more focused on trying to understand the Swahili than the message. I study myself to sleep every night and usually study while eating breakfast. I feel so anxious to master this language and be able to communicate with ease.

Some fun pictures!

2007-11-03T00:56:00.000-07:00

Special Perks

2007-11-02T23:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but I always thought that missionaries should get special perks from God. You know like the stoplights always being green when you pull up, never having car troubles, ATM's always working, and certainly, under no circumstances should any missionary have GREY hair! Last night, my roommate, Julia and I were hanging out with a friend when they noticed a very long, very grey hair. Can you believe it! This is not supposed to happen. I thought for sure that being a missionary was the gateway to eternal youth. So, just in case any of you weren't sure: life is still very ordinary as a missionary. I have grey hair. My car is outside right now being repaired for the umpteenth time; I usually have to go to three or four ATMs to find one that works or that has not run out of money and we have one traffic light in town and it is never green! Oh Well.... =) God is still good! He shows that in so many ways even though I have grey hair.

Proud accomplishments

2007-11-02T01:37:00.000-07:00

So, years from now I hope that there will be things that I will think of fondly remembering how God worked both through me and in me. However, I have to say that one of my proudest accomplishments will be teaching the children of Africa to give me five and say "Alright" with a little bit of attitude. I had so much fun yesterday playing with the children. We were in Likamba taking pictures of the children as we start up our child sponsorship program there and I just couldn't help myself. As others were working, I sang and danced with them. When they sing, they usually do lots of fun dance moves. One of my favorites is about the elephant who wants to ride the bus. He can't get in and they ask why, why, why? He says, because I'm too big, because I'm too big. While doing this, cute little five year olds wiggle their bottoms back and forth and put their hands to their heads in exasperation while singing. Hilarious! Why work when you can play with kids....

We did get all of our work done, mom, so don't worry. I am not a total slacker! =)

Without vision the people will perish

2007-10-31T05:34:00.000-07:00

Some of you may know that I teach part time at Joshua Teachers training college here in Arusha. It is a Christan college and I think the only one in all of Tanzania. However, the biggest difference is that we encourage the students to teach differently, to love the children, nurture them, challenge them, help them, and so much more. So often here, education can be rote. I think that the government would like to see that change but for now often you have teachers that only teach at the front of the class and the students simply imitating and memorizing. We want these teachers to have their children discover, be curious, and love learning. Most of the teachers at the Imara schools were trained there and fourteen out of the current 26 students will go to Imara schools.

I have loved my time there. It is so exciting to be a part of what God is doing at JTTC. Since the beginning of this term, I have started doing something different with the teachers as we begin class. Each day, we pray for a different country. They have been shocked to learn that all westerners are not Christians and what it is like in other countries. It has been such a powerful time to pray for others and as we pray, we pray for the students that they will one day teach. I am so overwhelmed as I hear them pray that maybe some of their students will be missionaries to the Sudan, Italy, Nepal, and other places. Today, we talked about that white missionaries are not what the Sudan needs but fellow Africans to bring them the gospel, the good news of Jesus Christ. These future teachers will help change their nation, transform it, and bring it out of poverty. The students that they teach will have such a large impact not only in Tanzania but in all Africa and even throughout the world. Investing in the lives of these future teachers has been such a blessing. I am so thankful for all the opportunities that God has given me!

Do you see what I see?

2007-10-28T06:53:00.000-07:00

Throughout my short stint here so far, there have been mulitple times where I have thought I wish I had my camera. I have even thought having my own reality TV show. I could be on the travel channel... =) Not really but sometimes I have no idea how to properly capture what I am seeing through words. I have thought it would be good to put a camera on the steering wheel and ride around one day.

With so much to say about the everyday life it is hard to know where to start. The transportation is always a bit humourous. We have buses everywhere that are more like minivans which are called daladalas. I have ridden in them a few times and I had no real concept of what it meant for a vehicle to be overcrowded until that time. Just when you think that no more people can fit, five more get on. One time, we were walking to get on one of them and another guy recruiting for his daladala came up. He was leaving sooner so we decided to take that one. Innocent decision. No big deal, right? WRONG! A huge all out fist fight and brawl quickly interrupted between the two recruiters. We learned our lesson on that one. When you are driving, these buses weave in and out of traffic and stop often so you have to learn to pass them. So our two lane road really becomes a three lane or sometimes four lane road.

In addition to daladalas, safari vehicles, and regular trucks and cars, you have a ride array of carts and bicycles. These carts are packed full of everything from sodas, concrete blocks, shoes, rice, tires to people, children, water, and so much more. The men that pull these have arms and legs of steel. I never cease to be amazed at how much they are able to carry. Now onto the bicycles. What they can carry on the back in unbelievable! Most recently I saw a man carrying at least fifty bottles of oil on his back, you see shoes, giant jugs of water, and of course people. You can even catch a bike taxi and pay someone to give you a ride. How fun!

It's all about perspective

2007-10-24T04:20:00.000-07:00

I traveled to the village, Likamba last week. I have been there many times and every time I go there all I see is grey. It feels like the sun does not shine there. The school is in the middle of nowhere in the hills in a Massai community. The road to the village seems like it could collapse at any moment because it is surrounded by giant lanes of holes. Following the road can be tricky at times. When you get there, you see two grey buildings that have significant cracks from all of the earthquakes that we have been having. Even though the buildings are relatively new, they have the appearance of age. Inside the classrooms are grey concrete floors and grey concrete walls. They appear hard to keep clean especially since the children have to travel far (some two hours) to get to school in the dirt and mud. Without enough classrooms, one of the classes is forced to meet in an office. You have thirty small children cramped into a small little room. The uniforms that the children have are barely holding themselves together. They are all hand-me-downs. Some of had to roll up the pants because they are too long, others are so short they look like shorts. There are holes and tears in every outfit. The giant holes in the sweaters are held together by a string tied in a knot. Zippers are not uncommon even though there is clearly a need for them. Then, you look at their feet. Over half do not have socks. Almost all have shoes but many of them look their heels have mouths because part of the shoe has fallen off. Some children even have shoes that are way too big for their little feet. When you take a closer look, you realize that many of the children have probably not showered in a long time. They have a layer of dirt with cracking skin and sometimes fungus on their head. Many of their eyes show signs of malnutrition. Their exercise books are meager and the pencils are nothing more than nubs. Paper or other supplies are too much of a luxury that they cannot afford. The teachers themselves have to take several buses and then walk an hour to get to school. Their only meal is cup full of grey porridge.

When you consider all of this, life seems grey. However, you only need to spend about a minute with one of the children to realize that is not what they see. They see hope. They see a teacher that loves them and cares for them and shows them tenderness. They see teachers that love them so much that they are willing to travel that far to teach them. They see that they have a whole outfit of their own and shoes which doubles the size of their wardrobe. They see fun in learning and what it opens up to them. They see a meal that they might not get otherwise. They are amazed at the cracks because God saved the buildings. They see shoes that allow them to run back and forth and play with each other. They see pencils that allow them to put down their ideas, thoughts, and answers. They see classrooms that are places where it is safe and they can laugh and giggle. They see a place of opportunity instead of a place of fear. They do not see their school as the middle of nowhere but rather a place that is the beginning of somewhere. Huge smiles consume their faces and brighten their malnutrious eyes. They don't see a classroom as too small but just right so they can sit closer to their friends.

At the end of every day, I see all of these precious children lined up singing praise and worship for God's goodness, love, and provision. It's all about perspective.....

Cats and Brothers

2007-10-21T12:24:00.000-07:00

My little brother is not so little anymore. He can even carry a person out of a burning building! Go little bro! Anyway, I digress. Last week, my brother and I chatted on yahoo messenger, what a wonderful invention! My younger brother has beat me to the altar so he likes to give me a hard time about my continued state of singleness. He has often teased me about ending up with a lot of cats as I get older. So, as we were talking he asked about the situation. He said, that since I live in Africa if the cats will be lions, cheetahs, and leopards..... Little brothers!

By the way... I am a dog person....

Great is Thy Faithfulness

2007-10-20T11:02:00.000-07:00

I am not sure about you but I am pretty good at doubting God and forgetting His faithfulness and what He has done for me in the past. Our pastor at Perimeter calls it brain leakage. I so often find myself focusing on the problem instead of God. I don't know why. I know better. I have learned but still.....
So here is the latest display of God's faithfulness. In about three weeks, I am homeless. Well, that's a lie. I will actually have a home until the end of November but will not have any furniture. And, when I say no furniture, I mean nothing, zip, zilch, nada, not even a spoon, a cup, a fork, a bed, a refrigerator, a couch, NOTHING! The house that we are staying in is nice but the location is definitely not ideal so we decided to look at other places. I quickly began to panic. All I could think about is the fact that I have no time to look for a place to live. My schedule is too full. I am supposed to travel. There is no way this can work out. Plus, I don't have time to buy all the furniture and household items, plus I did not raise the support for this. I had heard that we could get a furnished apartment but that still did not mean cups, forks, and other household items. I do not have time for this! So many places are so expensive so much more expensive than I had planned for.
So, needless to say I was not relying on God. No trust. I don't know why. The situation seemed impossible to me.
I came home early from one of the villages and ended up having Friday free. Craziness! We looked at some places with the help of a local. We looked at several places, but they weren't great and expensive and some were far but I figured they would be okay and at least we were able to find a place. Then, we went to the last house. It was a house and not an apartment. It was beautiful and a great garden in the back. The inside felt homey and had great furniture plus cups, forks, and a whole bunch more than any other place. The location was great, about five minutes from the office without really bad, bumpy roads. They had guards and dogs which are a great safety help. It was so much nicer than any other place and we really loved it. We were afraid to ask the price.... $200 a month cheaper than the other places! Can you believe it! Unbelievable. Julia and I both knew and the more we learned about the place the more we were in awe of all the ways God provides. INSANE!
Why do I doubt Him! God is faithful, always! He is always working. I am so overwhelmed by his goodness, provision, care, tenderness, and love for me.

The Pied Piper

2007-10-15T07:52:00.000-07:00

Last week, I spent several days in one of the villages called Mairowa. We will be starting school there this January, so I spent time there visiting some of the local nursery schools that are hosted by churches and talking with the social worker and pastors. One of the schools is a mud hut with a dirt floor. The benches that the children sit on are just simply branches from a tree. I will never complain about wobbly desks again! =)

Saturday is feeding day. The children gradually trickle in until they get lunch around 1pm. As we were waiting for more of the children to arrive, I just sat on the ground surrounded by children who just simply wanted to touch my funky looking white skin. I think they wanted to see if it would rub off. They could not get enough of my hair and the way it moves so easily. The girls would play with it, comb their fingers through it, and just fluff it up. At one point, I had a little girl sitting in my lap while the rest of the kids were playing around me. I leaned my head over and had my hair fall on her head so it looked she was wearing a mzungu wig. The children squealed with delight.

Later on in the morning, I needed to send a text message that was important. However, Mairowa iko porini, Mairowa is in the bush. So cellphone service is a bit allusive. I did learn that there are some spots where if you hold your phone just right you can pick up a signal. I was not sure where the main spot was, but I was told that I could not miss it. I needed to walk a ways to find the spot and the children inisited on going with me. As I walked up the hill, more children began to follow the strange colored white woman. After a while, I did indeed find the spot. X marks the spot. Literally! There is a little mound of dirt by a tree where the grass has been completely worn down because that is where everyone goes to use their cell phones!

While I was sending the message, more children were walking by to head down to the project for the feeding. The big eyes and silly giggles are just too fun sometimes. Now, that I have learned a little swahili, I love to start speaking to the children. The open mouth stares of astonishment are hilarious. The mzungu speaks our language! They cannot believe it. So, I start to head back down towards the school area where the feeding is. I have now acquired a pretty hefty crowd. I have kids hanging onto every finger fighting for a chance to hold my hand. I begin to skip and so do they. I begin to sing and they just laugh and laugh and begin to join in. I begin to run and flap my arms like a bird and my little fan club follows suit. I feel like the pied piper. What a blast! The children and I can barely breathe because of laughing and running.

I love Africa!

The AIDS epidemic

2007-10-10T10:21:00.000-07:00

I have to tell you that the AIDS epidemic has always seemed like this far away horrible thing. I found it so easy to live in my little American bubble. The disease, famine, and poverty did not have an impact on my life really. You hear some of the horrible stories and all of the children that die and you feel sad. However, I have to tell you that the death of this one child hurt more than hearing about the thousands of others. It isn't this epidemic that only affects Africa anymore to me. It is the disease that caused this one, precious boy to suffer and lose his life. It isn't something that is out there, far away, that you read about in a newspaper. It is now about a boy that I played with, laughed with, ate with, and who I cried for.

The funeral was on Monday afternoon. I had meetings that morning and things to do and I just did them. I thought in the back of my mind that I am okay because I knew that he had AIDS and that this was inevitable. I had already come to terms with the fact that he was not going to get better. I know that he is a Christian and I know that He is with Jesus now in heaven. I will be fine, of course I am sad but I have just dealt with this already. As I got closer to his home where the funeral was, I thought that my chest was going to cave in from the pressure. It hurt so bad. My heart hurt so bad. Even now, I am just hurt. I quickly learned that I had not dealt with it. I was simply in task mode. As I drove up, I was overwhelmed by the hundreds of people that had gathered for his funeral. I was not expecting that at all. The pastor gave a great message on the value of his life and the reality of his faith in Christ. It was a very powerful time as so many people heard the good news of the gift of grace that Jesus offers us all. We sat and listened to the message for about an hour and once again I thought I was okay. Then, they opened the casket for people to walk by and view. All breath left my body. I couldn't believe it. There was my friend Samweli. HE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE! How can this be! He was supposed to live. He was supposed to live a normal life. He was supposed to get better. This doesn't make any sense. I felt so overwhelmed. I was sitting next to his aunt who has helped care for him. I just held her and cried. Even know, I can picture him lying in the casket in his best suit wearing this hat that he always had on. He looked peaceful. I know that he no longer has to be in pain, in fear, in despair. I know that life is better now for him. But, I loved him and selfishly, I wanted to him to stay here longer. They buried him behind the group of houses. When we walked up to his grave to lay the wreath there, I just cried. The missionary family that has been taking care of him were absolutely wonderful. I am so thankful that they have allowed me to be a part of Samweli's life with them.
The next day I went over to their house to visit and I found myself about to ask if Samweli was around. I thought I could go visit. I had forgotten that he had died. I am not really sure how to process all of this. I think I am learning about the importance of clinging to Jesus. Thank you all for your prayers.

My friend...

2007-10-07T11:08:00.000-07:00

I have shared about my friend, Samuel, before. I had the amazing opportunity of building a friendship with him in the short amount of time that I have been here. He was a fourteen year old boy that had AIDS. He died yesterday afternoon. I am still in shock and I don't feel like I really believe it. I went to his home to visit his aunt and grandmother and I cried as soon as I saw them. But I still find myself struggling to comprehend it and process it. I knew in the back of my mind that he was going to die. He had AIDS. You know it but I thought it would be later. I thought he would still grow up. Are children supposed to die?

The funeral is tomorrow. Please pray that God would use this in the lives of his family and the rest of the community that he lives in. Pray for the American missionary family that has helped to take care of him. Pray that God would be glorified in the midst of this tragedy.

I will write more later but right now I feel numb....

Yo, yo pops, wassup old man?

2007-10-05T21:58:00.000-07:00

So those greetings would not be considered culturally appropriate here. As I learn the culture more, I have come to realize how important greetings are here. You ask how they are, their children, family, health, etc. What is the news? Greetings are so important to them that they even do it while driving. During the day, they flash their headlights at each other as a way of greeting one another.

If they are older, you always greet them specifically and say, shikamoo, which means I give you my respect. They respond back with I take your respect. You can see a young business man saying, shikamoo, to a man who is a street cleaner simply because he is older. They value age so much. To them age is a sign of wisdom and experience and that should be honored.

Recently, we had the head of Imara's Mercy department and his family over for dinner. His daughters arrived first. When he walked in, they both said Shikamoo to their father and greeted him formally. I thought oh no! My dad never needs to see this! =) I tackle my dad with a hug and comment on his gray hair and say what's up old man? I told them that and their eyes got very big. So, umm.... dad, if you are reading this, shikamoo. =)

Say what!

2007-10-03T22:00:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have those moments where you not only confuse others but even yourself? I hope I am not the only one....

Well, one evening recently, I was sitting around the dinner table with some friends: a tanzanian, and a couple from New Zealand. The wife speaks fluent spanish which made me think about that language. I cannot remember what we were talking about, all I remember is that I said. "una pensar nini ma?" Which is swahili spanish swahili and then, are you ready for this, CHINESE! I totally jumbled everything! I was trying to say, what do you think in swahili? I would say I am confused but that is nimechanganyakiwa! Try saying that five times fast! Yowsers!

The Monkey and the fish

2007-10-02T03:04:00.000-07:00

I heard this story recently and thought I would share it.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away there lived a monkey. This monkey actually lived on an island. One day there was torrential rains that never seemed to end and the island began to flood. The rain and the waters kept coming and coming until one day, the monkey was left with only a little bit of land and one tree. As he was sitting up in his tree, he noticed another animal in the water. It was moving back and forth. The monkey was so worried about the little animal and wanted to rescue it. So, the monkey risked its own life to go out to the end of the branch and snatch the animal out of the water to prevent it from drowning. He put the animal on the ground to dry out under the sun and get warm. The animal flopped around and the monkey thought he looked so happy and was jumping around in excitement. Then, the animal was lying perfectly still and the monkey thought it looked so peaceful. Of course, the animal was a fish.....

So, the moral of the story... I think I can often have good intentions and want to help but sometimes I just make things worse because I do not really understand the people that I am trying to help. Would you please pray that I would listen to God and be patient and not come in with my western ways? Would you pray that I would learn the culture here and understand how to minister effectively? I DO NOT WANT TO KILL THE FISH!